Do you remember the time?

This, being my 100th post, is going to be a long one. Go grab a snack, and remember to always keep hydrated!

It's important to look back every now and then. A lot of people say, 'don't dwell on the past,' because your not 'in the moment' or something like that. I think the past is just as important to our lives as what is happening this very moment to what we're planning on for the future. If you don't take time to look at where you've been, how do you know if you're getting anywhere? What about your successes and screw ups? They were important when they happened, are they just vapor after the moment happens? No, naturally we as humans are effected by the present as it happens, and that becomes part of us. As we see seconds tick by something else happens and it turns to our history - our story - that I think we must never forget.

George Washington did a lot of great stuff for our country, so did Ben Franklin and John Adams... but because it's in the past do we just forget them? No, we study them somewhere between 3rd and 6th grade. We study them more in high school. Our past of the USA is just as important as our own personal past, and one day if we're in the history books, people will remember us just as much.

So the past is important... even if you're not going to be in any history book.

Looking back on my own past, I see a big rollercoaster ride. I'm pretty much your average guy, I only stand out because of my personality and the fact that I probably annoy people to some level. My friends are either co-workers, or my dog and my best friend is my girl friend. I no longer have a large social agenda. I have two jobs, one of them is low responsibility, so it's easy for me to take accountability for my actions, and fix issues with myself.

The other job, I have emotions, memories, feelings at stake. I am a direct representative of the dreams and hopes of a newly wedded couple. I am the liaison between the brides wishes and her guests. Every bride has a dream about what their day is going to look like. Some are more clear than others, but all of them have at least a bit of an idea. My responsibility is much much greater, so it is hard for me to bite the bullet if I ever screw up.

I do screw up, occasionally. It's not a great feeling, let me tell you. Whether its something I didn't do or follow up on or just a careless mishap, mistakes happen. Most of which can be avoided, by me. Unfortunately, because of the nature of the job, screwing up even a little can be detrimental. Do I feel bad? Yes. But that doesn't matter. My feelings don't count in the matter - the bride's do. Sometimes that reflects poorly on my name.

But, people tell me I'm supposed to put it behind me, and not to dwell on the past. But that past is what I'm represented by - even if the other 101 events I've MC'd are amazing.

So I'm learning. Its funny... I feel like Deja Vu - just a few posts ago I was saying something similar. As I said, mistakes will happen.

But look at me now. You know - 3 years ago I was just a green-horn with no idea how to run a wedding. Up to that point all I had done was take a few classes, barely learning how to touch records on a turntable.

Look at me now, the Wedding DJ and MC. The dark tuxedo, the microphone voice, the "direct your attention to the dancefloor." Clubs? Not for me.

There I said it.

For the same time I had been DJing weddings, in the back of my mind I had dreams of playing out mixes in clubs. I learned how to beatmatch - and well. I learned how to key match - and well. Well? Where am I? What club gig did I get? I got a few times playing out at a small bar on the other side of the state... once a month, to a collection of 5 people. 10 max. Whoopee. Should I appreciate my first shot at club stardom? Absolutely. I appreciate it by seeing that it's not my way of life anymore.

I don't go out anymore! On occasion I do like to get pretty and go get crazy. But there's a limit. I'm still in bed these days by midnight. I like sleep! So how could I even begin to be a club DJ when: No one likes house/techno/trance except for a select few, there's too much competition, I don't like being out past 1am, and I don't even have my own turntables anymore! It was a nice idea - but the feeling I get when I do a wedding - much better. Much more rewarding. Much more work and challenges and responsibility. The life of the wedding MC is the life for me.

I still may write music. I have the ability to, and I would like to think that I could write a couple good songs, but I'm in no rush. I have to focus on not letting these mistakes like the ones I've made in my past happen again. And if I do make mistakes, I need to work on owning up to it the best I can.

The issue is, I'm scared. I'm scared of the truth sometimes. I'm afraid with this much responsibility that if I screw up it means my job, or a pay cut, or less work. I'm afraid that if I mess up people are going to complain about me. I'm afraid of screwing up and I'm afraid of what may happen if I screwed up. So, I'm too scared to just come out with it. "This is what I did wrong, this is what I'm doing to fix it." Or "What can I do to fix it?"

Is it easy? No... this is what causes us to sugar-coat and tap dance. This is what causes us to omit information and leave out facts. To 'edit the story in our favor.' It's lying. We lie to protect our asses.

Is it worth it? What if it comes back to haunt us? What if it bites us in the ass? Then we're even worse off.

"Here's what I did wrong, what can I do to fix it now, and what can I do to avoid it in the future?"

I need work on letting go of the story-telling security blanket.

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I love love

Another reason I decided that MCing weddings is a good for for me is because of the feeling I get when I see two people totally in love with each other, ready to make that next step in life. As much as one would like to think, your life changes pretty significantly once you put the ring on your finger. It's not so much screwing each others brains out and partying all the time. That's all fun - but a healthy working relationship has to be about two people in a partnership, a work/life relationship. It's about commitment and giving and taking. It's about complimenting each other... not "honey you look nice today..." no more like I cook and she buys, or, I clean and she makes me... =)

The relationship is more than just a feeling. That "feeling of love" we all talk about and hope for definitely comes and goes. It's not constant. It's always growing or maturing, but the real deal is about knowing that if you don't love the one your with today or this week, you know you will later. It's also knowing the opposite. While you two may be in love right now and kissing and holding each other and revelling in the others wonderfulness... next week you're going to hate each other.

What's important is the fact that, sometimes while we have that feeling of "I don't like you right now..." Love - love is work. That 'sickness' and 'natural feeling' I kept talking about all those posts ago? Yeah no that's complete made up crap. That crap is the first couple months. It's the adolescent part of the relationship where its all puppy dogs and ice cream. Its making that jump from the original sickness of puppy love, the naturally in love head in the clouds thing, to the happily doing her laundry and putting the toilet seat down thing. Its the deal where all of a sudden I have no 'social agenda' to the girlfriend becoming the all encompassing social agenda. She's my personal assistant and I'm her personal chef, masseuse, and therapist. After we spend 10 minutes a night fighting over the covers we then cuddle for 20 more and get too hot for covers anyway.

So when I see a couple that instantly upon meeting them, you can see their love coming out of their actions, not just their eyes. They have quirks between each other. They finish the other's sentences. They play fight.

I love that. I can see it, it's magical when they look in each other's eyes the day of, taking the vows, exchanging the rings.

Call me a sappy romantic. I like action films too so that should balance it out a bit.

I love being around it. Its such a great thing being a part of a couple's lives on the happiest day they have had. Next to the day they screw all day on the honeymoon... no I don't want to be a part of that day. I'll have my own one day.

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So the website, the myspace, all changing format to just focus on me as an MC, and my interests.

Which includes, but is not limited to, music, sex, food and sleep.

Looking forward.

So here it is... my 100th post. My 100th... Published post. Since my first post I said to you all I'm not sure about this writing stuff, that I'm not here to show off artistic talent or showing my journalistic abilities. I just wanted it to be a place to make shit up, and put shit down on the paper.... errr... screen. It was a chance to express myself. To vent, to think-through, to talk out. I spoke my mind here. Honestly, and whole heartily. I made people hate me. I made people think twice about me. The past 99 posts I have reflected, over thought, second guessed myself. I've said things that I've later taken back or corrected. Never once have I regretted what I have written. This is as me as me can be and I know I ramble but I'd like to thank those that are sticking with me. I get a lot of thoughts out, and whether you agree with my thoughts or views or not, you may be able to relate to them.

That's all that matters. Just being able to relate. I know there's someone out there with similar problems and thoughts, or feelings that are close to my own. Somewhere out on the web there are people that know how I feel. That's kinda what keeps me writing here. Someone gets it. Someone gets me.

I'm not lonely by any means. But it helps me in other ways.

This is my legend. This is my story. That's what this is. When I move on... years from now. People will say - "I remember him when..."

"I remember that."

One day when I move on, what will I be remembered for? How will I be important? Will I be the sweet, loving, caring guy? Will I be talked about in the past tense?

"He was so crazy with that stupid blog..."

Was.

Ugh, I shudder at the thought. The death dialogue... the way people talk about you when you move on. Makes me want to sit down and think about what I want them to be saying. Ever think about that?

"He always put a smile on my face," as they wipe away tears, eating finger food and somehow the home cooking just makes them feel better. "I remember he had that ridiculous Internet radio show - I listened! When no one else did, I listened! I used to get so mad at him too!"

Now things are ridiculous, crazy, far fetched. They were perfectly normal when I was alive but then I die - and all of a sudden it becomes bigger than life.

"Oh God he used to annoy the CRAP outta me with his singing!" As they share a little teary smile and a chuckle.

"I loved his singing!"

"You didn't hear it all day everyday like us... still somehow we all loved him for it..."

"Well I think he should have gone on American Idol."

"No way, he would have hated it... he tried out for Arizona Idol once, even made the top 30... didn't win though. I think that's all we could convince him to do."

"Top 30 ain't bad though!"

"Yeah but he LOVED doing musicals... I think his favorite was Forever Plaid."

"Ohhhh I remember that one! He was so funny in those ridiculous glasses!" A smile comes over there face. (There's that 'ridiculous' again.)

But my job is done - Somehow even after I pass, I want to still make people smile. I want them to remember me for the good things - the GREAT things. Inspiration, ambition... I dream big because I want others to dream big with me.

My job is not done yet. I'm not going anywhere yet.

This isn't the past tense - this is the present tense! I still have time! I don't want people to remember me as a fat, lazy fuck up. I've been preaching for 100 damn posts that my calling is to inspire people! To make them smile! To make them happy. What am I doing? Am I doing well?

Who is going to listen to a fat lazy fuck up? The only thing you can do is learn from my mistakes. How fucking embarrassing. Is that what I am? The example on what NOT to do?

All my life I've been the guy that's skated by and done 'just enough.'

Happy wake up call, again. My dreams are too big to sit here and be lazy.

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Finale.

So as you may have seen, my website that took months to build and work on, is now off the Internet. It is gone.

It will be back, all new and different, under a different address. I'm hoping to change the reason why I have a website, to a more broad and all-encompassing approach. Special thanks to DJ AD, aka CoolStylz Productions for creating my J*Phoenix graphic and helping me out with design ideas.

J*Phoenix is dead.

Just...


... just call me J... I'll be J.

Review Time

So now it's time for the ever-so-wonderful update on Justin's life. My next post will be my 100th, which is fitting, considering last week I just finished my 100th Event as an MC. That means total, I've seen somewhere around 120 different weddings, 5-6 Bar/bat mitzvahs and about 10-15 corporate events all as an MC and a DJ.

100 Events. What did I get? A learning experience.

You see, even though I've seen many different wedding styles, I know I haven't seen ALL of them. Not to mention, even just my general knowledge of how things work I still gain more and more each week. It's a tough process. But I continue to learn every week, every day really... and I continue for my sake to improve on what I say and do at events and in the days between and leading up to the day. But I still need to improve a lot more... and I have a review coming up... not sure if its going to be positive or not.

I've made the commitment to doing weddings. 4 years ago, I decided I wanted to be a DJ, and look at me now. I'm an MC/DJ for one of the top entertainment companies in the nation.

I'm done patting myself on the back, because now as I look forward, I have new things to work toward and work for.

First off, the continuing battle for financial security gets tougher every month. I got rid of the Civic, not because I didn't like having a sporty coupe and low gas costs, but because I couldn't afford the car itself anymore. It wasn't enough room to fit all the equipment I carry on a weekly basis.

I bought a Chevy Tracker. It's not that much bigger but it certainly helps and it keeps me from having to rely on my DJs so much. A tracker looks a lot like a Jeep Liberty or a Suzuki Vitaro... in fact its got a Suzuki engine in it. I like it a lot. Got a terrible deal on it but its better than my last deal!

Alex is out of town, she went to Paris, leaving me alone to bond with her dog Maui. I should say "our dog," cause she is by this point, but for purposes of explaination, it's her, her house, her dog. I just live with them. Although I did sneak in my PlayStation so I can play Final Fantasy XII when I have alone time! lol

Speaking of? Beat the game once already, but then I go back and theres like a whole other game worth of other stuff to beat. Why do they make a game that the "Side Quests" are more to the game than the actual story? And Harder! I fought this dude last night, took me an hour and a half monitoring the fight. Just sitting there, switching charactors, moving them around, splitting them up... it was nuts. Come to find out, that's not the hardest guy in the game... that's the next venture - but I have to work on leveling up my charactors before that happens.

Wow I'm a nerd. But let's just say I love the Final Fantasy series. It should be considered the industry standard on RPG's. It's so much more than just the fantasy aspect of swords and magic. There's more to it. The series always has a compelling and captivating story, usually a great side love story. They have gotten deeper and more complex, too, as the space constraints have been lifted on so many levels; they can really develop each of the main charactors and how they relate to the story. Each of these games is more and more like a mini soap opera, it's not even the fun of the game... it's beating it just so you can see what happens. It's like Lost but you have to fight a dragon or gain levels to get to the next episode. Final Fantasy, unlike many other knock-offs and hopefull RPGs, concentrates not just on the story, but gameplay and graphics, and most importantly to me: Music.

The original composer for Squaresoft wrote an amazing soundtrack to Final Fantasy II (really FFIV, if you know your FF history...) that added a completely new aspect to the game. The music was interactive with what was going on, it was original, it made it more of a story than just text going across the screen. I think very few RPGs have created such compelling soundtracks. I like FF's music so much I've downloaded the soundtracks before.

FF12 is no different. There's a new composer, the old one retired halfway through the completion of the game, but the music is still as fascinating as the game itself. Some of the same recognizible riffs are heard throughout the entire series, which makes it even more fun, to hear familiararties between the games, even as they've evolved from simple Nintendo 8 bit 2 channel music... to the highly anticipated FF13, which is supposed to have 64 bit 7.1 Dolby Surround, and it'll be even more theatrical. I've almost bought a PS3 simply for that game alone. It's not out yet though so I'm in no rush. =)

Enough about that... I just wanted to give my comments on it. I get a little bit of crap for playing video games, I understand, its juvenile and it's "just like every other guy." I don't care - and at least I pick a game that's not MINDLESS! I pick one that you have to put a lot of thought and time into it to be successful.

If only I put that much time and effort into making more money... hmm...

So as I was saying, Alex is gone, and I miss her a lot. Its nice having the bed to myself and the room to myself... but she really is so good for me. She keeps me in line. Right now there's shoes all over the place, clothes on the floor, the toilet seat is up, the shower curtain left open. There's dishes in the sink and I didn't bother to put last night's meal in tupperware I just through the whole pan in the fridge. In my defense though, now I can just put it back on the stove, heat, and eat.

She's good for me. I'm a lot calmer than I used to be. Since I've known her we've gone from partiers to just enjoying a nice night in, with dinner and a blockbuster movie. I do enjoy going out still, hence last Friday. But see even though I drank a little more than usual, I was still home by 1:45, and in bed by like 2:30. That's late for me! I feel like I've "grown up." Not to say that if you got out more than me that your immature or not as grown up as me... trust me if I could afford to go out more often I'd take my girl and we'd hit the town all the time. But it's not that easy these days. We're sacrificing a decent part of our social life for normal food more often and togetherness.

Plus I love sleep, going to bed at 10 with a warm body next to me is like the greatest thing ever.

Ever.

Gotta keep pushing myself more, by the end of the year I want to do some more self-back-patting! =)

PS: Special thanks to VerveEarth.com, apparently I'm one of the 'favorite' blogs. Not sure how high an honor that is but it is wonderful to be noticed, if its even just a little.

Also a shoutout to a couple peeps back home: A belated HAPPY FREAKIN' BIRTHDAY! to Lauren, I think she finally turned 25... welcome to your quarter-century anniversary, and did I hear you were engaged? Yes I do believe so, congrats!!! Speaking of Engaged, getting WAY excited that I may actally have the available funds to get myself and perhaps the girlfriend to Williamsburg to help celebrate my best friend Emily's wedding, totally stoked!!

Some local news: My home-boy DJ Adrian or DJ Adr!@n or some variation thusforth, started showing up again in the Tempe Music scene at Zuma bar and grill, I heard him Friday night - he's off the CHAIN!!! Again. Me. Nerd. Anyway, my other home-boy has collaborated with not only DJ Adrian but others to start Beyond Capacity Productions. They're one of my friends on MySpace... check 'em out.

Me Next post vill be very big, deep and well thought out. If you know anything about this blog, you know that I like to write even though I don't think I'm great at it... I just like getting stuff down. It will be my 100th post. Happy century post to me!