Immortality

Hello, my dearest friends. It's been a couple months, and I have a lot to talk about.

In the past few months I have taken my career another step, I took a step back with Internet radio. I took a step in finding out what I really want, and a step back in relationships... breaking someones heart in the process.

For the record, heart breaking is not a 'rubber stamp on the wall' for me. I don't set up relationships just to shut them down. Breaking up is in fact, failure, for me; unfortunately I can see the apparent failure coming long before it ever happens. It's a vicious cycle for me.

But I'm real. Some think of it as a fault but realism to me is how I was raised. As a kid I looked at the world through rose colored glasses, my head always in the clouds as I scurried about my life wasting away... and look what happened. I joined the army, had to leave the army. I never made it to college. I'm fighting for survival, paycheck to paycheck, with only a couple close friends... most that don't even live here... and my future is cloudy.

So I became real - seeing things as they are, as they will be because in life we only get one shot. Realizing that life goes on and I can either stress over it or just run with it.

And this is my story... as real as it gets....

****************
The Big Show

I hadn't bought a vinyl record in almost a year. My house music collection was out of date, out of style. I once was a bedroom DJ, throwing my hands in the air for no one in a room full of records and speakers. I used to be so passionate, when I didn't have room for a table, I put the decks right on the floor. My speaker was my karaoke machine and I would sit there on my hands and knees DJing away. I taught myself how to DJ. I took a class, but the class taught me my history, where the DJ came from and what he means to us now. That just gave me some inspiration. I did a couple mixes, and made a sweet website - all by myself - to promote me to... no one.

I DJed weddings.

Been DJing weddings and corporate parties for 5 seasons now... 2 1/2 years. I've probably done over 100 events by now, and in that time the house music went away.

I was a wedding DJ.

You could safely say, that I was no longer a bedroom DJ. I was playing out, in public, in front of crowds. People loved it, dancing their hearts out to the hits I played old and new. But this wasn't what I wanted... this wasn't my calling. No, I was still a bedroom DJ, to the clubs.

But a couple weeks ago I saw a bulletin... my girl DJ Lysa D. She had been promoting all kinds of things in the past couple years since she parted ways with Energy 92.7, clothing lines, remix services... random stuff. To me, she's a local superstar... I'm sure I'm not the only one that thinks that.

She posted a bulletin on MySpace saying that she was looking for interested house DJ's to do a guest set at a sports bar/club in Surprise, AZ. OH of course I was interested! I responded right away... really I was thinking 'what the hell' cause I didn't think she would respond...

But she did. "Cool, the 14th ok?"

That was just about the time when reality struck. Oh shit... I have a gig. I don't have 2 hours of music, I don't even have relevant music! I haven't practiced in MONTHS! I haven't done a mix or anything and now in less than two weeks I have a two hour set?

I didn't care how small it was, how few people would be there - this set is my first and maybe only opportunity to do anything with myself... so it was going to be the best set of my life thus far.

I practiced... every day mixing an hour, two hours, four hours... I listened to hundreds of songs in 7 different websites. I went to the record store where I haven't been in years... spent hours there searching through crates and having the guys pull me stuff. I needed house and trance. I went home and listened, recorded, listened, downloaded... my roommate and my neighbors angry from the constant beat coming from the DJ studio. Sweat beaded from my forehead on a daily basis... I always sweat way too much. The room felt at least 10 degrees hotter than the rest of the house. Visions of greatness passed through my head as I honed in each track... my beatmatching skills coming back to me little by little, like riding a bike.

Then came the Sunday prior to the gig. I had bummed around the house all day, doing just little somethings. My roommate... God bless him for dealing with me... understanding that I don't clean that often. Luckily when I do it's scrubbing with elbow grease and making the place spotless. Sunday I watched a movie... an independent film called "It's All Gone Pete Tong." It's about a DJ who was on top of the world. The exciting summer party island of Ibiza, Spain, the massive clubs holding some 3-5 thousand patrons... he was the best of them all. Then he goes deaf. His career is, for all intents and purposes... over. But, after about a year he learns how to read lips... and he discovers that by feeling vibrations and looking at raw wave patterns that he can still DJ... and produce. The show ends with him coming back for one last big gig in front of a record crowd... and he nails it.

I watched the movie and became... excited. It's like a football movie - the struggling team comes back and wins it all - overcoming adversity... its like the underdog films that always seem to have a good effect on me. Only this - this was DJing. I saw the clubs... the crowds.. the appreciation for the finest form of entertainer... the DJ.

Here in the USA... DJing, and more importantly Electronic Music, is a lot like Soccer. It's HUGE everywhere in the world... but the USA. The DJ is like a rock star there. There's not many Justin Timberlakes, or Jamie Foxx's, or Paris Hiltons. There's Paul Van Dyk and Oakenfold, Tiesto and Armin Van Buuren. They are DJs. They are the party.

This all ran through my head in a matter of minutes... my adrenalin kicked in and I clapped my hands together several times and yelled out "LET'S FUCKIN ROCK!"

I walked upstairs. Slowly, as if I was back stage climbing stairs to the booth in front of thousands. There was a pulsating roar... sounded a lot like thunder to a beat for a while but as I got closer to the top of the steps it became more clear... "J....J.....J.....J" the crowd was chanting for me. On the way I shook hands with imaginary promoters and an imaginary manager. I hugged my brother who wasn't really there. I grabbed two waters that were cracked open already for me so I don't have to waste time. The crowd was thunderous now... as I approached the decks. It was dark, I could only see the work lights coming from the booth. The crowd knew it was time as the intro music began to blast. Lights flashed over the crowd and I caught my first glimpse at its massiveness. The stage was still dark as the announcer began rolling through my awards and recognitions... That was my cue to start the first track... I pushed play and the beat began to soar over the speakers... the crowd went bonkers. The stage still is dark but the break is coming... "Ladies and Gentlemen, please welcome... J.... PHOENIIIIIIIIIX!" With my hands in the air the lights come on full - so bright you have to squint... then the beat drops... we're on our way. One mix, two mixes... one hour goes by my hands manhandling the vinyl and CDs, each mix tight and clean. I would pump my arm and the crowd would too, I would jump up and down... the crowd would too. The mix went so well it seemed as if the songs were born to be with each other. Two hours... power down, my hands in the air... good night.

I was just imagining the crowd... but the mix was still great. Sunday night I was on a high. I was ready... I was BACK. Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday I simply fuddled around, just focusing on a few details... there was no stopping me now.

Then Thursday came.

I was nervous... just because I want to do well... I want to be successful. I had gotten a few "good lucks" from some important individuals in my life... and I was on my way.

Only there were no crowds. There's no back stage... no managers, no people to hug. I got my own water, my own towel... and my one fan was there for support. But believe me - that didn't make the night any less important. The moment came for me to begin and there was no announcer, no dark stage... no chanting. I just mixed in like I should have. But that was all I needed. From that point on I was in control of my destiny. I was in control of my fate. I mixed my ass off. It was nearly... perfection, in my mind. Sure I made a couple mistakes... but perfection, to me... is occasional imperfection.

I'll have my crowds one day. Until then, I was asked to come back next month - I graciously accepted, because it's a start in the right direction. And hey... it's a really nice club!

*********************
Don't Cry Over Me

About the same time I was locking in my first gig... I was also having personal problems. I tend to handle problems poorly, in that if I can't solve the problem I choose to just end the cause of the problem. Time for all of you to meet my newest ex-girlfriend. Since I'd say October last year I had been on and off dating her, I liked her a lot and she was one of the greatest people here in AZ I had ever met. What made her more attractive was the fact that she actually lived here, as opposed to Egle, who lives on the East Coast. But I still had a thing for Egle... so committing to the boyfriend title was not in question at that point. But come January... Egle and I fell apart. Ultimately, she said some things she didn't mean... I reacted in a bad way... yada yada. I'm over that. But with Egle gone I gave myself the green light to try things with Alex. We became 'officially' dating somewhere towards the end of January.

Alex was amazing. I had been convinced for quite some time that she could have the potential for a long running. I'm a realist, though... so I never think TOO far in advance. In fact - one of my problems is that I always feel like it won't work out.

But she was different. We laughed a lot, we loved to spend time with each other. We went out and partied or watched movies and did stuff. We were a great pair. She's beautiful, caring, all of that good stuff that I want... sounds perfect right?

Only after a while it wasn't perfect. It's my fault, I'm sure... but we began fighting a lot. It was always something, a little this, a little that. Some battles we picked some we didn't - but everything started to bug me. Things bugged her too... she wanted me around all the time, which is great but... well anyway - I'm not going to bore you with the details of all that....

It came time that I realized that it wasn't going to work out. Perhaps yes... we could have worked the final issue out and made up and been fine - but what if there was another? And another, and another? Each time we had a fight I would get more and more discouraged. To the point that my love for her became frankly... work.

Love.... it's not supposed to be WORK. It comes naturally, it's easy! Sure every relationship has problems or fights but... this wasn't working for me. I'm 24 years old! I'm not thinking about settling down or starting a family... so if I'm with someone who in the back of her mind is... well then I wasn't being fair to her. I had lost that feeling for her. I had lost hope. Sure we all HOPE things work out with significant others... but they don't sometimes and it hurts but we can move on... I'm young! I can go out and do whatever, and I'm just BEGINNING my life... I guess I wasn't ready to be tied down like I thought.

So I broke a heart. Again.

It was handled so terribly too... over email. Not even over dinner or a clawing and screaming fight. Not an endless phone call... it was an email that didn't even have closure. It was left wide open to whatever interpretation she wanted and no matter who it is - it's always taken wrong.

I'm a realist.

When things aren't working... they aren't working. It's not a bad thing - at least we could realize it before we continue to progress down this path of despair! I failed... I failed again.

But it's not failing at life! I'm 24 years old. I'm an adult but I'm still a young adult.

I've been pretty bummed out about it over the past couple weeks, tried befriending some people I haven't spoken to in months or even years. Another reason I wanted out... I had lost all my friends, the close ones and the far ones. My freedom was lost...

It never ends well. Break ups don't ever end well.

The issue is, I just wanted my freedom back. I wanted the fights to end and the freedom to return. So, yeah we should have broken up - but that never meant that I don't like her anymore. I really care about her, genuinely care, about her, her life. But she ignored me for two weeks... got a couple one liners from her in myspace... one I responded to - didn't seem to spark any conversation... am I the problem?

Maybe. But it seems like it's too late, now, to figure that out. So much for "can we still be friends?"

So its over... such is life I guess. The cycle continues.

I've decided that the only way to be fair to women is not to commit to being a boyfriend until I'm really, seriously, ready. In life, in status, in whatever capacity. I'm not ready yet. So to be someones boyfriend and be constantly holding back would just be a waste of time to the girl that generally wants to always progress. I've decided that relationships are not my thing, they aren't for me. Not until I've gotten in the shape I want to be in, have the money I want to have earned, and I'm living in the place I want to be living. It's not fair to women to provide them with this false sense of hope. Sure I hope for the same things - but the cycle always comes back and bites me... the longing for freedom, the need to grow on my own... and the feelings always change. So I become what I never wanted to be - the asshole. I've become what I felt gives us guys a bad name. So I've become that... maybe that's all I deserve - the asshole treatment.

Regardless of that. When I'm ready, I'll know it. I'll long for it. Then... who knows - maybe it'll be too late.

****************
Dead Legends

Johann Sebastian Bach
Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
Albert Einstein
Edger Allen Poe
Babe Ruth
Elvis Presley
John Lennon
George Washington
Jesus Christ

What do these people have in common? They are all dead... for one - but yet their legends and stories and history lessons live on. All things aside... these are immortals. An immortal is someone that never dies... but what if we were to extend that... and say that an immortal is someone that lives within us. The stories... the history books... the legends.

As a closing note today, let's think about immortality. Have you found what will make you immortal?

It's good to be back.

There's a new mix coming soon, as well as more on the gig coming up - I'll be at the Brookside Sports Bar and Grille July 12th.

Love and Be Loved. We'll talk soon.