Doing Things Right

All my life I have started things. I have started things and never finished them, just started them, loved the idea, worked at it, faught for it, defended it, and then dropped it.

Never have I finished something, accomplished something.

It starts with the small things. Never have I tackled my finances so I'm the one in control, not the bill collectors. I started writing a book, never finished. I started writing a movie - two, in fact - never finished. I started plotting a video game, never finished. I started writing music, never finished.

More recently I started writing an essay... never finished. I started building a library, never finished. I started working on my body, never finished - now like 100 times. Smoked on and off for almost 10 years now. Radio show is not back on the air, still broke, my new mix is still in pre-production.

Never finished. . .

I looked at some old pictures yesterday with Alex. I was going to create photo albums of all of them too, never finished that. Never finished the big ass box of photos my parents have either, they wanted the same thing. Never finished.

That reminds me I need to make them a DVD of all the digital photos they have. Never finished that either.

So many things left open.

Still have a lot to do with my website, this blog, my DJing career, education - never finished any of that either.

So at this point some might think of my life so far as a failure. A half-assed attempt at stardom and success with a side order of "I'll do it tomorrow" attitude.

I think of it as a lot of open doors to still walk through.

I have to do things right. They have to be perfect for them to be acceptable to me. If things aren't going like I had hoped I get discouraged and give up. Say fuck it I'll just live paycheck to paycheck and I'll just be single forever and I'll just work at this office job for the rest of my life. Some have said that I've already done that. Some have said that I'm just staring over the cliff... ready to finally jump.

When I hit bottom... will I die? Or will I hit water? When I jump... will I regret the jump? There's no parachute its just me and the ground 1,000 feet below and I hope... I pray that the ground is soft down there.

Because the only way to make it is to jump.

So I'm jumping. I'm taking the leap and soaking in that split second of zero gravity and then absorbing the rush of blood away from organs and the vertigo of gravitational acceleration, as I reach terminal velocity as the ground grows below me. I see a river...

But right now I'm falling. I'm falling and falling and falling.

I think... was this a wise choice? I was perfectly fine with my 40K a year and my roommate, my ameture radio station, and my wedding DJ job... why did I have to jump?

I have to jump. It's the only way to make it. I have to jump.

But I have to do everything the right way. It has to be perfect, otherwise I get discouraged and say fuck it.

There's the rub.

Stay tuned for more...