Welcome to 2007.
That's what I thought waking up Monday morning as my vacations were over, the holidays behind me. By this point, I haven't even started to recap what has happened to me over the past 925,600 minutes... or so. I rushed out the door, back to work - thrown back into the fire being the only person on my team taking all the tasks. Neat.
Welcome to 2007.
In the past year, as you well have read, I have had ups and downs as always. I've had this blog almost 2 years now, and I am soon to commemorate a milestone of 100 posts. 11 posts to go.
But a lot can happen in 11 posts. In 11 posts I could fall in love or become hated again. I could fall out of love. In 11 posts I could finally get the job I want. I doubt it though. Something tells me this year will be like the others. Empty with a side order of heartache. I have big hopes every year - setting my goals high and consistently not obtaining them. I've spelled them out before:
Get in shape, get out of debt, get a fuckin job. I have a job - a day job... I mean THE job.
And yet - this year I feel there needs to be a different approach. Lately I have been distant even from myself - the new year didn't go like I had hoped. I saw dreams of fireworks in the sky, my smile never larger as I celebrated richly with my closest friends, even if they were strangers. I didn't think I would be tired and beaten... I didn't want that.
So here I am, two weeks back into my old self again, ready to go over board as I look at my empty bank account, stare at my full stomach, and look at my deteriorating face. My bones hurt. My muscles hurt. My brain hurts. My heart hurts.
So I have to move on. This is a me effort - not a we effort. Sure - someone can tell me what I need to do, from the outside looking in, it's easy to say. But it's easier said than done. Educated, debt free, in shape - all easier said than done. What's the reward for such accomplishments? Pain? Suffering? Who wants that? Is it worth it? For someone who for a while was actually starting to become quite happy with himself. Sure I have my ailments, my big belly, my fat ass, my high school diploma, my empty bank account... but for once - for once I was OK with all that. I was OK with who I was because the things I have done in my past, and the things I want to do in my future will define me - not by the way I look or the money I have - the THINGS I DO.
I'm a DJ.
DJ's need TALENT - and PRACTICE. Not Education or a toned body. Healthy? Sure. I need to be a little more conscious of my health. But I am by no means ever going to be a stud - nor do I ever want to be.
I was happy with who I was - until someone told me I wasn't good enough. And you know what? I don't care. If I'm not good enough for them then I'm good enough for someone else. I want my life to be defined by what I have done, not by my status or looks. It will never be about my status or looks.
Ever.
Welcome to 2007.
It's not about changing... I should be happy with who and what I am. What the hell do I need to change for? I should be perfectly happy about the road I am on. I am improving as a DJ and MC, I have... HAD a radio show - and will have one again... I'm better than ever behind the decks and I have a bad ass Trance mix in the works. I will find a place where I am good enough.
I will surround myself with people that think I am good enough.
I don't need negative support - especially from people I care about. That will only do negative things to me. I am happy here.
I'm happy in Arizona.
That's where I moved to, Arizona.
I've lived here for almost 6 years and dammit I love it here. There's miles of opportunity here, and when I tackle all of that opportunity I will move on. Only then will I move on.
My New Years Resolution?
Be me, and be god damned happy about it. If someone else doesn't like it - fuck off.
Grow within myself, and practice to hone what I am already good at. Whoever doesn't think that's good enough - fuck off.
Get paid, and excel in the things I'm getting paid for. Even if it is something I may not like, I need the money, and if people think I'm wasting my time - fuck off.
My name is Justin McCall Fuckin Ray Chapin.
Welcome to 2007.
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So here's the plan. It's gonna start with the basics, shedding a few of the holiday pounds by cutting out things like soda, energy drinks, and fast food. Eating real, home cooked food. It's saving my money by not going out all the time and blowing it on mindless things. My new job is keeping the money I earn, so I can buy the tools that will make me an artist. Then it's going to be about becoming the best in my field... practicing, learning, asking questions, talking to others ahead of me. I have to learn from the ones in the places that I want to be in. I want to take their jobs when they leave... or just take their jobs. Then it's buying a library. Obtaining just about every song ever written and listening and learning about them. Building a thirst that I can never quench. Then its taking yet another step. Theory. Music is about theory and I never made the grade when Dr. Hocking was trying to teach us in high school. So I must learn it. I must learn the technology, I must learn the business... I must create.
I..... LOVE this. I love music. I love the beat... the powerful beat. I understand it. I can feel it shaking me even when it is at a whisper... The beat defines me. I am defined by music. And THAT - THAT is good enough for me. I don't need a degree. I don't need a flat stomach and a perfect body. I need music in my life. I need to be the best at what I want to do. That's all. I don't care about debt. Debt will always be there, I will always be broke - and while I know that's not a desirable trait - I don't give a shit. I am defined my music. I am defined by my ideas and my creativity. I am defined by caring, by loving, by making people laugh and smile. I am defined by bringing people joy. I am defined by my opinions, my knowledge, by my thoughts. I am defined not by my car, or my attractiveness, nor my bank account... those things will never be in my favor.
What will be, is something I have talent in. I have potential in. That will come with practice, learning what I need to know to become the best. Not by a piece of paper.
And I'm staying right here.
Anyone want to come with me? They are welcome to join. Otherwise... have a nice life...
Welcome to 2007.
