Unique Reflections from Bubbles in my Coffee

Snap.

Like the straw that broke the camel's back... just one more thing could make me snap.

Snap.

Like waking up from a nightmare... the rush of blood to my head as I snap upright.

Snap.

Like opening my eyes for the first time... everything looking clear and perfect.

Snap.

Like suddenly understanding everything ahead of me, my past, my present... my future, in an instant - understanding my entire world, the worlds around me... the millions of worlds on this earth, and how they all relate to me. Like standing up for the first time in ages... it took some time to work my way to my feet. But this time...

Snap.

***************

Feeling a little pressure, the year is coming to a close. I stared in my coffee for a few seconds and saw myself in hundreds of different angles in the little bubbles in the mug. I looked up at a computer screen, that was blurry at this point, a fury of emails and tasks and work... some familiar faces, some I'm doing work for... whom I've never met. I'm enraged. I'm confused. I'm lost.

I got up and walked slowly to the restroom. Took a piss and then washed my hands and face... stood back and stared at myself in the mirror. I turned, took another look at myself in the full length mirror on the side. "Look at me," I said, not the outside... no... the outside has always needed work. What I needed to see was what was behind the surface... I needed to see the inside of me. I've never really been able to see that. "Look at me," I said... I was frustrated.

Confusion is a clog in the drain. Water can get through but it is slowed by gunk and mess and crap from the past. Such as life, your brain gets clogged with gunk and crap from your past, causing you confusion. "Who am I?" I asked myself.... I'm Justin fucking Chapin, is who I am. I am a rock. I am rock solid from years of upbringing and months of rough military training. I am a rock from experience with many different people, good and evil. I am a rock from Boy Scouts and ridicule, a rock from ever-so-hated practice... from being in my Brother's shadow or not being good enough for myself. A rock, that stands here and will not budge, will not flex. I am a rock that has broken hearts, broken minds, and I've broken into tears... I've lived through financial heartache, almost being homeless if it wasn't for my gracious parents or a reliable Serena Murno. I am a rock because I am who I am, and I know that. I know that I am this because of my past.

Insert Drano here.

I snapped back into place, gave myself a present arms, an about face... and stepped smartly to the door.

Ambient downtempo house music fills my ears... watching as planes take off from the small airport down the street from my office at lunch. Business men and women in their corporate jets, pilot training, small props take off and give me and fellow watchers a mini air show. I was joined by two other cars... I wasn't the first to ever think of this form of therapy I guess. The two other cars and I sat in silence, munching on hamburgers and fries, just glazed. A corporate jet took off, roaring down the hot runway... blazing a mirage-like blur from the afterburners behind it, the landing gear nestling itself into the hull... the sound shaking my inner core. I closed my eyes... a quick REM cycle... didn't make it that far.

Snap.

Turned the car back on and headed back to the office. Blurred vision. I check my phone three times, 5 seconds apart... no texts. I sit down at my desk and click refresh 15 times... no emails.

I leaned back, blurred vision. Confusion has clogged up my brain drain pipes again. Two things waited for me to do, I did them, on auto-pilot... I know this place so well I can do the everyday tasks in my sleep. I can do everything in my sleep. I've mastered everything I do to my satisfaction and it bores me. I needed a challenge. I require an adventure.

I had one. How about making it through the rest of this year without another episode of self-doubt and denial? How about sitting back and relaxing through the holiday season without bursting into a rage like last year?

What do I have to be thankful for? My family, for starters... the always-helping, always-cheerful bunch of assholes that we are. Friends? Yeah I can thank them, too. When they're around and not running for cover when something goes wrong. I can thank the ones that will always be there... even after years of strife and issues... still there. I can thank the ones that show nothing but appreciation.... and I show nothing but appreciation for that. For friends, that are forgiving, that are fearless to stand up to me. That give me the tough love, or the sweet love, depending on the situation. The friends I consider family, I am thankful for them... even if we haven't talked in months, even if I may not agree with every choice they make... I love them.

So many plans... so many things I have planned for me and my friends, my family.. plans that I will never carry out. One plan... one plan that I will is my appreciation for them. I will show them. I will prove it to them. I must not be doing that enough if they sometimes think negatively of me. Even if sometimes I don't make the best decisions, they can still think positive of me... I want them to. I've lost too many friends because of that. I've been hurt... way too many times.

Snap.

The final minutes in my day click away, as I sat here working... I check my phone 27 more times... no texts. I clicked my email refresh 100 more times... someone won't be in next week because of the Holidays. I bet there's good reason for that. Good family, good friends, things to be thankful for. A reason to take three days from work to share in the beginning of this 2006 holiday season. A time to reflect upon yourself and find what truly sits deep within you. To finally find that inspiration and just go get it. Whether its a super star, a doctor, a lawyer, or a house wife... to just go get it. Stop this mess.

Insert Drano here.

Another night at the blue tonight. No going out, down to 20 days left before the drinking restriction I placed on myself will end. Then it's party time, a Patron and Bud light. The Blue isn't going out, it's going in. Into a zone that I enjoy... working on something I enjoy, talking to people online I enjoy talking to. No fights, skirmishes... disagreements, problems, stressful and confusing situations. It's my brain, buried in headphones pumping out trance and downtempo, sipping on coffee that warms me all the way down.

I have things to be thankful for. A girl... a girl that is so much a part of my life... sometimes its easy to forget when she lives 2,647 miles away. I will see her again soon... the good times we will have... memories only harden our friendship even more. A rock solid friendship... I can be thankful for her.

It's clear now, what I must do.

I hope you all have a safe, prosperous, and special holiday season... seems to start earlier every year, soon we'll be gearing up for it before Halloween. Listen for the announcement of the official launch of my radio station on the Internet, Groove AZ Radio... which is continually being delayed for too many reasons. It will be perfect when it launches. I've had my practice... it's time to execute.

To my friends, family, and friends that are family... cheers. The birthday is coming soon.

Have a day.