24d 13h 02m 27s

Is about how much time I have left until I can have my first drink of alcohol again.

I've learned an awful lot the past couple months, it's strange because... I was never a big drinker. I could get drunk if I wanted to or if I knew I could and I would be safe... but I never really did. Had my two beers, maybe a shot if someone bought for me, that was it. I never got crazy, never got loud and nuts. Just liked being me... in control.

I like being in control... I'm focused. I'm aware, I can see all and understand all. When people drink they tend to lose control and I guess I'm just not comfortable with that happening all the time.

But what I learned is... it's OK to lose some control. That's the point! The point is the release of energy, of stress. It's the feeling that you don't have any worries for just a moment. The key is, learning the balance between being in control and being out of control... that very thin line where you can release a little stress, relax a little bit, but still know whats going on and being coherent.

I learned that you stick out like a sore thumb if you're alone, and not drinking, at any bar or club in the US. Doesn't matter where you are, if you aren't with anyone, and you aren't drinking - you are by definition, a loser. And I think that's the dumbest philosophy on earth.

BUT - what I also found is that the many times I was alone at a given bar drinking coke - that even if I'm with a bunch of people - I'm still alone.

Which is why I don't go out that often these days. I'm not on their level - and they'll treat you that way, too. It's almost like people can't have fun without drinking. So I feel like the party pooper cause I'm "the good boy" trying to support my own cause.

I used to be the party starter...

So... these 90 days have taught me a lot. Being sober has helped me do a lot of thinking, a lot of feeling... a lot of planning. I'm more in control of my life and soon... very soon I'll be able to lose a little bit of that control again. I'll be able to release. I've had an awful lot of build up!

And now I know, now I see what that line is between control and out of control. I know how to approach it and how to handle it. I'm stronger now because of my choice.

I found the true friends... the ones that still want to hang out with me even if I don't drink. The ones that don't mind if I still come to a bar even if I don't drink. The ones that won't drink at all or won't drink that much with me... just to make me feel equal. The ones that appreciate the 90 day designated driver job that I've taken on. I'm not a freak cause I don't drink, I made a choice. A choice that was very tough for me, but the reward will be worth it.

The alcohol money that I haven't been using has been going to two things, paying off my credit card, because the sooner I do that the sooner I can go to the East Coast... and my vinyl record fund. Which will be spent on new records that I have been waiting so very long for. I'm getting a lot of 50 from ebay, all trance. Then I'm going shopping for specifics at the local spots.

I'm excited. My birthday weekend is December 7th through the 12th. Who cares what day my actual birthday is... it's the whole fuckin weekend!!

See you in the ocean,
J*