From What I Know

Here's what I know...

I'm at the point in my life where I can go in any direction. Any.

I can go farther down, become further broke, become the victim of my debts, become the person I never saw myself as.

I can move. I can get the fuck out of dodge... leave everything. EVERYTHING and take no one, and nothing with me.

I can stay. I can stay in the same job I'm sitting in every day of my life Monday through Friday, never get promoted cause I don't want to be. Barely cover my bills and sit at home with no one.

I can work. I can look at myself in the mirror and hunker down into my foxhole and get to work. I can work hard every day and take the risk of never making it. Never really doing what I want to do. Just jumping around to things that are sort of like it, but pay the bills.

I can play. I can say fuck this and do whatever I want, spend every nickel, fuck over everyone and take off with out any trace.

I can love. I can fall for someone, she'd fall for me. I'd give her everything I had to give. I would cherish her as closely as I could... she could be my music of life. She could be the only thing I want in this world, wanted so much I get sick.

I can hate. I can write them off, cut them out. I could bring on the guilt, bring on the jealousy, bring on the pain. I could shoot dirty looks and loath their presence.

I can win. I can sit on top of a mountain that I create. I could bring the people that love me and that I love up to the top with me and we would over look the world and smile... becuase we still remember being down at the bottom.

I can lose. Someone else is better, someone else is better... someone else is always better than me. So I lose. I miss out. I'm over-looked and I crawl back into my shell and never let anyone else in.

* * * * *

The fucked up thing... I've already been in all those directions before.

Been there, done that.

So where do I go? Doesn't anyone else have these problems? Am I the only person on earth that can't get anything right, that can't get out of the way of himself, that can't get the right job, that can't get the right girls, that can't have the things he wants? Why can't I do the things others find easy? Why do I have absolutely nothing to show for the places I've been, the people I've met... what do I have to show? I have me. I have my few close friends.

As I said in my last post... it's been a rough past couple months. Going from the best of times to the worst of times and back again.

My problems are small. In comparison to other lives out there. I'm just broke, and I can't seem to find the place that I belong. I can't find a companion... a girl - not even a girlfriend or a fiancee or a wife just a fuckin' girl that I can care for... spoil rotten... hug and hold hands with and yeah - once in a while get a little nookie from too. Sure I come close... maybe have a weekend where I can have a taste of what I miss the most... but then there's timing... distance... there's other guys and there's options and there's walls I need to climb over... or it's I don't make enough, I don't say fuck enough, I'm too nice, I'm too low on the totem pole, or sorry - I'm just not attractive enough.

Where the fuck is the place for me then? I... I LOVE me. I LOVE who I've become. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, that has a buddha belly, that has occational facial hair, that has a dirty car, dirty room, a bad smoking habit. I don't want anyone to be attracted to that... I want them to see past that. I want them to see beyond all that and look in to my eyes and see happiness, love, compassion, care... I want them to see that I am strong. I want them to see that I am going to go somewhere... one day. I want them to love me for the man I am now, and who I desperately want to be. And I desperately want to be me... just better. That's all. Not anyone else.

There is a place for me. I will find it. I can go in any direction to start my search.

Will I see you?