Fool to Think

Sometimes, I can't say the words I need to say to get my point across. So, we'll let Dave Matthews do the talking...

Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly

I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

I've grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
Treat me recklessly
All you do is toss me pennies out
But the silence in me is screaming
Won't you come and get me?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You make a mess of me here
I dance a thousand steps for you
If you say yes to me
I'll be whatever gets you through
You make a mess of me here (was I a fool?)
I dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool?)
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

- Dave Matthews "Fool to Think"

Disclaimers

Someone said that my disclaimers amuse them. I kinda throw out disclaimers a lot because well, I want people to understand me, be absolutely clear what I mean when I say or do something.

So I have disclaimers. Sometimes I may also consider them my "Philosophies on certain aspects of life."

And I'm gonna list them all right now, by subject, in no particular order.

First impressions.
It's simple - I don't judge. Reason? I've done some seriously fucked up shit in my life. But, I've never killed, raped, or stolen. So I can't justify judging anyone because I've probably done it; with the exceptions of murder, rape, or theft... in which case, we won't be friends.

Money.
Money is never an issue for me. Money will come and go. Sure, some days I'm broke, but other days I'm flush... and it's those days that I feel I should share the wealth. If I got it, I'll give it. There's no sense in just me having fun, if I can have good fun, good food, or good company... I don't give a shit what it costs - cause there will always be more money.

Advice.
If you want advice, I'll give it. I will never say that I'm right, I will never say my advice is the only way to go. I give suggestions only. I am here for you to come to as a source, for free, for whatever kind of advice you want. I've heard tons of stories, I've taken mental notes, I've had lots of experience. So to say I know a lot... maybe, but maybe it's more that I'm a different set of eyes than your own, and that's exactly what you need.

Taking my advice.
So, first you want my advice, that's fine. While I say that I'm not always right and I'm the only way to go - if you ask for my advice, and you do the complete opposite of what I advise... don't ask for my advice again.

Food.
Stop it. Stop worrying for shit's sake! Enjoy it! Savour it! Eat a fuckin' steak, a cheeseburger, a hot dog! Why worry huh? Why only have two carrots and a grape all day and be uncomfortable, only for you to crack one day and go on a binge and kill yourself. EAT!! Enjoy your life through food, you only live once, taste everything you've never tasted before. You can be mindful of your weight, eat in moderation, but don't hide yourself from pleasures of decadence because of calories or carbs. Sit, grab a napkin, tuck it in your shirt, and dig in.

Being the nice guy
I'm gonna be nice. I'm going to care about you, your thoughts, your dreams. I'm going to give you things like my time, my money, my company, my ears, and maybe a gift or two. I do that because I want to, not because I feel I have to. I'm treating you the way I'd like to be treated in return.

Taking advantage.
I'll be a nice guy, sure. That is, until I feel that all the nice things I do for you aren't worth it. I don't ask for much in return.. but if I get nothing - well then it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. I'll even give you warnings that I feel you're not upholding your end of the deal. If it keeps up, then you're cut off... because why should I waste my time?

Time and honesty.
Speaking of... don't waste my time. Don't play games, don't fuck with me, don't mess around. I'm not talking about teasing or joking. I'm talking about honesty. I want you to be honest with me and straight forward with me. Girls, that means I have a thick skull and I don't want to play guessing games... or for guys and female friends, don't lie to me, don't hide from me, don't steal from me. The disclaimer is, if you do... you're not worth my time.

Laughter.
I have a sense of humor. Actually I have a pretty wacky sense of humor. I find humor in just about everything, I like to look at the lighter side of life. I'm gonna bust on you, I expect you to bust on me. It's a give, and get. I don't mind being teased, I'll even tease myself if it means getting a laugh or a smile out of someone... regardless - the point is to not take everything I say seriously. I will ask you to take something serious if I want you to... I will make it quite clear when I'm not making a joke and I want you to listen. Other than that, I'm pretty much light-hearted, and I expect to be treated as such. If only everyone could lighten up and have a good laugh every now and then... maybe we wouldn't have so many damn problems!

Sex.
Enjoy it. Have a lot of it. Have the good stuff that's slow and sensual, or grab hold of some hair and bite and scream. Either way, enjoy it. Try new things... don't be afraid to experiment with your partner - you may discover something so pleasurable you wonder what you were doing wrong up until that point. I'm gonna do everything you want me to, but I'm only going as far as what you feel comfortable with. I'm gonna test to see what you like, what you dislike... the stuff you dislike I'll never do again.

More about sex.
If you're single, it's OK to be promiscuous, but it's not OK to be stupid. Protect yourself. I don't care who you are I'm wearing a condom. If you've agreed to be exclusive, then that's what you will be. Technically, if you are exclusive with someone, that means there is no one else - that means you are no longer single. Just because there isn't anything 'official' or there's no titles or no pressure, doesn't mean you're not taken. So the disclaimer is: If that's the case - We won't be sleeping together - because I won't be "that guy." That being said - just because you're not technically single doesn't mean you're married... so I think it's perfectly fine to explore other options...

Being "That Guy" and other random disclaimers
I will not be. If I am flirting with it, I want you to tell me. But I will make a point to have a style that may not be in-style, but what I like. Who knows, other people may like my style too. I like to dress classic, and clean. My clothes my be wrinkled occasionally but that's because I could care less about taking care of my Target, Wal-Mart, or TJ Maxx clothes. I do not wear Abercrombie. I do not wear jeans that cost more than $30. I do not act like a baddass to get attention. I do not and will not go against my friends. I have a conscience and I have occasional regrets. I have feelings, and they can be hurt, some easier than others, by certain people easier than others. I sometimes need help opening the pickle jar, too - but I will boast that "I loosened it for you..." I hate spiders... don't think for a second I'm gonna be a big man and kill it for you. I'll throw a shoe at it.

The overall final disclaimer.
I'm gonna treat you like my best friend, my neighbor, if you treat me the same. The old golden rule, I guess. I don't feel like I am better than anyone else, I don't think that I am above anyone else in any way. I know I'm not the best looking, but I can sure cook. If you give me your love, time, and laughter, maybe an ear if I need it, maybe a hug if I need it - I will give you everything I got and more in return. Cause that's just me, J, every one's best friend.

So there you have it. Over time I normally spell these out to my friends, who may not understand me, or question my motives. But, I'm an acquired taste, as an old friend used to put it. So stick around....

The Funk

"Dude... if you ever need to talk, man.. just give me a call..."

"Hey... how are you doing today? Still want to kill yourself?"

"You've changed a bit..."

"Snap out of it."

"You'll get there, J, I believe in you..."

"I don't know what J I'm coming home to..."

"Hey, noticed you haven't been all too chipper... everything alright?"

"What's your problem?"

"Why don't you come out with us, you'll feel better."

"I'm sorry your life sucks right now..."

"I've been avoiding you like the plague! You're bringin me down!"

I Think the secrets out. Life ain't been no crystal stair the past couple weeks. The past month or so, actually. So, for all of you reading this, for all of you that made comments to me... most of which are listed above... Thank you. Even with the tough love, you care. I appreciate it. I wouldn't trade any of you for anything else. Turns out, I really do have friends. Some are closer than others, I guess.

So for all of you that read this, for all of you that care... things are getting better for me. J will be back to his normal self soon enough. Some people think I'm not the same unless I'm smoking, or drinking... possibly - haven't figured out if quitting has changed me for the worse or for the better yet. That'll get better, also. Sometimes, going through a low point will help me too appreciate the better high points a little more. Write that down.

The main purpose of this post is to announce another mix. This one is different. This one wasn't mixed live, this one was mixed on a computer. There's no beat matching or tricks... it's just 14 songs smashed together. There's no genres, it's random, it's now and then, it's all over the map. That's why I love it. It's basic. It'll make you feel. It speaks to you. That's why I love it.

I have picked a small collection of songs that you can't just listen to, you will FEEL. Some are new, fun songs that you jam to, some make you smile, some make you ponder, some make you horny. Fused together with poetry, movie clips, and famous moments in history... you'll get my mix: Subliminal Emotion.

This doesn't show off talents, this doesn't prove that I'm a great DJ... it's just great music for about an hour. I mixed it cause I don't think music should ever stop. I mixed it cause I wanted to create something... create something because that's what I love to do, create.

And by doing this I've commemorated an end of a low point in my life. Told ya, music is my inspiration. I figured out something... I like creating shit. I especially like producing and creating things people can see and enjoy. This mix, the latest visual update to my website, I loved doing them. I spent hours on them and saw them come together. I wasn't satisfied until they were just the way I wanted them. I did them myself. I loved it.

So my life has become just one step closer to being clear. I need to create. I need to produce. I want to look back and say, "that was mine... I did that."

Wow. It seems so fuckin' easy now...

Funny how yesterday it seemed impossible.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring then?

The mix will soon be uploaded to my website, as well as two other demos that I will add, a demo from the Sunday Hang, and a clip from a musical I was in. I have to get permission for though, first. So there we go.

Another step completed.

Turntables

How appropriate.

SO, Life is better... for now. J*Phoenix got paid... got some money in his pockets... life is better. There's still some gaps... but life is better.

I realized something. I can do this! I really really can do this. I can budget, I can have self-control, I can be happy during. I can splurge, but I need to focus on what is needed before what is wanted. Sure life can be tough and no, my problems aren't anywhere near over - but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I gave myself a jump start.

I needed something strong... something that was gonna give me an honest boost, something that can inspire people. (Remember that one?) I found a little inspiration from my two friends, Juan and Adrian - you know them better as K.I.D and CoolStylz. A month ago, they both went 30 days without alcohol. A pretty big task for two people at such a party-oriented age. We live for the next party. It's natural to us... the beer and the shots and the cocktails... we're used to it.

And we spend hundreds on it.

So they quit alcohol for 30 days straight. That was important. Every time they went out it was water, red bull, soda, or Shirley Temples... that's it. They didn't buy for anyone else, they didn't get drunk... they didn't have crazy nights that either they can't remember, or wanted to forget. They were sober. I was inspired.

I was supposed to give up things too. Mine were a little more "interesting" as the lovely Lunch Girl would put it... I had to quit purchasing drinks, not for myself... but for women. Not only that... I had to quit watching porn.

You're thinking... "Come onnnn J! Porn?"

Yes porn.

When you go as long as me without it and you have a sex drive as high-strung as me... you need assistance. Let's move on.

So I didn't give up either of those. And I kinda felt bad.

The past couple weeks have been pretty tough, and I had been toying around with this idea for a month or so now. I planned to get started when I came back from my awesome trip to Chicago. And, I did. I started September 11th.

I decided to give up alcohol for 90 days.

I will not drink a drop, and I won't purchase any, either. If it's a date, or a birthday, or a celebration of sorts... I will buy one or two for the honored person... other than that... nothing.

My birthday is December 11th. By this birthday, I want to be a better Justin. I want to improve like I've talked about for WAY too long. I've done nothing. I've been a broken record. So, in the great words of Egle, "I'll believe it when I see it."

A changed me requires more than just quitting alcohol for 90 days. That'll change my habits of spending at bars, it'll change my bank account a little... it'll change the fact that I'll be DD every time! But to change ME, to change Justin, J*Phoenix, J, and whatever else you call me... I need more. I need a jump start through my tunnel. I need something that will show everyone that doesn't believe me that I do have integrity, I do have a life, I do want to be better.

So I'm trying again. I quit smoking, too.

I've tried quitting like 7 or 8 times in my life. I'm pretty damn good at it now. This won't be a 90 day thing... this is indefinitely. Since most of you are rolling your eyes thinking that I won't make it - fuck off. When I make it, I'll smile and thank you for your support.

Seriously? My friends, almost all of them laughed in my face and said I won't do it. They said that I won't make 90 days without alcohol, they said I won't actually quit smoking.

I'm sorry I sound like a broken record. Maybe if one or two of you actually said "hey, proud of you Justin... keep it up!" I would actually do this.

Maybe if people held me at higher expectations.

Maybe if people wouldn't let me fold, because they're my friends and they should know what's best.

Maybe if people would encourage me to do things like this, instead of give up on me before I even start.

But maybe, just maybe if I just say "Fuck off" to all you non-supporters... I'll do this myself.

90 days people, not a drop of alcohol.

No more smoking. No one... NO ONE lets a cigarette near my mouth.

No one lets me fold.

I will do this.

I will do this.

I will do this.

The tables have turned again, folks. Time to begin my life.

From What I Know

Here's what I know...

I'm at the point in my life where I can go in any direction. Any.

I can go farther down, become further broke, become the victim of my debts, become the person I never saw myself as.

I can move. I can get the fuck out of dodge... leave everything. EVERYTHING and take no one, and nothing with me.

I can stay. I can stay in the same job I'm sitting in every day of my life Monday through Friday, never get promoted cause I don't want to be. Barely cover my bills and sit at home with no one.

I can work. I can look at myself in the mirror and hunker down into my foxhole and get to work. I can work hard every day and take the risk of never making it. Never really doing what I want to do. Just jumping around to things that are sort of like it, but pay the bills.

I can play. I can say fuck this and do whatever I want, spend every nickel, fuck over everyone and take off with out any trace.

I can love. I can fall for someone, she'd fall for me. I'd give her everything I had to give. I would cherish her as closely as I could... she could be my music of life. She could be the only thing I want in this world, wanted so much I get sick.

I can hate. I can write them off, cut them out. I could bring on the guilt, bring on the jealousy, bring on the pain. I could shoot dirty looks and loath their presence.

I can win. I can sit on top of a mountain that I create. I could bring the people that love me and that I love up to the top with me and we would over look the world and smile... becuase we still remember being down at the bottom.

I can lose. Someone else is better, someone else is better... someone else is always better than me. So I lose. I miss out. I'm over-looked and I crawl back into my shell and never let anyone else in.

* * * * *

The fucked up thing... I've already been in all those directions before.

Been there, done that.

So where do I go? Doesn't anyone else have these problems? Am I the only person on earth that can't get anything right, that can't get out of the way of himself, that can't get the right job, that can't get the right girls, that can't have the things he wants? Why can't I do the things others find easy? Why do I have absolutely nothing to show for the places I've been, the people I've met... what do I have to show? I have me. I have my few close friends.

As I said in my last post... it's been a rough past couple months. Going from the best of times to the worst of times and back again.

My problems are small. In comparison to other lives out there. I'm just broke, and I can't seem to find the place that I belong. I can't find a companion... a girl - not even a girlfriend or a fiancee or a wife just a fuckin' girl that I can care for... spoil rotten... hug and hold hands with and yeah - once in a while get a little nookie from too. Sure I come close... maybe have a weekend where I can have a taste of what I miss the most... but then there's timing... distance... there's other guys and there's options and there's walls I need to climb over... or it's I don't make enough, I don't say fuck enough, I'm too nice, I'm too low on the totem pole, or sorry - I'm just not attractive enough.

Where the fuck is the place for me then? I... I LOVE me. I LOVE who I've become. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, that has a buddha belly, that has occational facial hair, that has a dirty car, dirty room, a bad smoking habit. I don't want anyone to be attracted to that... I want them to see past that. I want them to see beyond all that and look in to my eyes and see happiness, love, compassion, care... I want them to see that I am strong. I want them to see that I am going to go somewhere... one day. I want them to love me for the man I am now, and who I desperately want to be. And I desperately want to be me... just better. That's all. Not anyone else.

There is a place for me. I will find it. I can go in any direction to start my search.

Will I see you?

Welcome Back

Alternate titles for tonight's post: "Drive in Silence," "Feel the pressure," "Clouds," and my favorite, "I'll take a Venti iced Chi Town."

Take a deep breath. The plane you're on is about to land into reality and you can already feel the pressure of what you left behind closing in on you. Just three days before, you were jet set into the clouds and you planned to stay there as long as you could.

While you were gone, its amazing that nothing bad happened. No one came looking for you, no one called, no one even cared... you liked that sweet change of pace. Back home some people thought about you with happy thoughts, but they all knew you'd be back. You'll always be back.

Halfway through your trip though... you wondered... what if you didn't come back? Who would miss you? Who would come looking for you? You thought... why couldn't you just stay in the clouds forever?

Wake up. You're plane is landed. You're back home.

Welcome back.

* * * * *

The past two weeks in this DJ's life... it's been quite the ride. Would you expect any less out of me? I feel that I'd almost be letting you down if I didn't have something going on to keep you reading. I have learned that there are some new readers to my small or "intimate" list rather... welcome aboard. To catch up on how I haven't really gone anywhere since my first post... check out the archives, you have 72 other posts to read.

Everyday in the past couple weeks, I've gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and back again... sometimes all in the same day. I'm happy to settle for... "mediocre." I've had people who loved me, start hating me on Friday, then love me again by Tuesday. I've had people who loved me at 2:00, start hating me at 2:20, and by 3:00 they loved me again. I have people who loved me that started hating me... and they still do. People that I was acquaintances with all of a sudden start caring about me, caring what I say and think... and they're effected by it. I had one girl be my girlfriend for 4 hours, another for 4 days... neither are my girlfriend now. I had girls open their hearts to me and guys coming to me with problems. Some had problems with me, and in time I have hugged them out and fixed them. I shared a few kisses with a girl for once... something I had been missing out on the past couple months.

All in two weeks... well... now it's more like 3 or 4 weeks.

But I guess it all started on a Sunday, after one of the greatest Sunday Hangs so far. Each segment planned and executed, conversation brewing, it was quick and witty. We had listeners... more than ever. We were talked about afterwards, during the week... we even received special thanks from someone that we plugged. I was on a high.

But we couldn't follow up with a show that attacked as well as that one did since then. Now three shows later I'm still waiting for the next big banger. That irked me a tad.

Then a Monday came, and I made a point to take the next day off... my two boys had gone 30 days without alcohol.

It was party time, a chance to celebrate, relax, enjoy life for even just a night. One problem: I had not a dollar to spend. But, my friends, with their big hearts and their bank accounts in better shape than my own... bought for the night. I got wasted. I was on a high.

To top that off, on a Wednesday morning at 12:38am I got a phone call... there was a free Dave Matthews Band ticket with my name on it, waiting for me. By the end of the concert Wednesday night, I felt as if I was sitting on a throne. I felt like I was finally there. My happiness was too good to be true.

Back to reality.

By Friday it all came back to me. No money... bills to pay... back to life. Back to square one.

I spent the weekend basically working. Taking a strong 12 hour shift DJing, helping with equipment... we were a team. I was busy trying to pick myself up off the ground and getting myself back on the horse.

Which brings me to my first point of this post. There's an old saying: if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I realized there that sooner or later I'm gonna have to just buckle down, cut my losses if there are any and fix things. But I put it off.

Some times we fall off our horse. What we need to remember though, is that we will always fall of the horse every now and then. But if we are living our lives in any sort of correct fashion, we should get up, learn from our mistakes, and get back on the horse.

Copy and paste that one into your file entitled "Shit you should remember."

By the end of the weekend, I was back on the horse and riding with new confidence. The week dragged on slowly and I knew that maybe if I could just put off my problems one more week that I'd be able to work them all out. Maybe so... but many of my problems collect interest and they continue to call me.

But Friday morning came. A day off... a weekend off. And a trip into the clouds is what waited for me.

* * * * *

Reality tried to grab hold of me on Friday morning, I had put off my problems just one day too long. I had to take care of it that morning before I left... my head was spinning as I got to the airport.

But then that was it. I was off. I was up in the air and off to a special weekend.

Chicago. Egle. Happiness.

10:03 my plane touched down, and I met up with an old friend... a familiar face and smile, a familiar hug and kiss from a friend that is very dear to me. Jessica. I hadn't seen her in a long time, she came to the airport to pick Egle and I up, and to give us a brief tour of the place. She treated me to a Java Chip frap no whip from the airport Starbucks... she got herself a Chi Tea. We waited for Egle to arrive. Jessica picked her out of the crowd. Jessica couldn't stay out late. She had a trip to Ohio for a wedding, so after a game of pool and a beer, she took us to the hotel.

The weekend was great. My head was in the clouds. I was tired... I walked around Chi Town for two days... walking... trying to keep up with an Egle that was like a kid in a candy store. Tons of things to take pictures of, tons of things to see... I couldn't help but just smile and tag along. But all the while I couldn't help but think of some people back home... I wondered if they thought about me at all. I wondered... if I never came back and stayed in Chicago or ran off to New York or took off to Australia... if I'd be missed. I wondered if I'd have missed out on anything that has potential...

Wake up. Back to reality... the weekend is over and it was time for me to face the music.

When you have a three hour flight, sitting in between two large men with no arm rest courtesy... you begin to think. You may even reflect a little bit on the past 3 or 4 weeks, or the past 3 or 4 years and you think... holy shit.

You may think that you're back to square one, back to the beginning, back to the place where you started your journey to the place you want to be.

My next point: There is no square one. Because if you live your life in any sort of correct fasion, you get up, learn from your mistakes, and get back on your horse.

There's no reset button. There's no gimmies, there's no free rides and sooner or later, you'll have to bite the bullet and try again. There's friends and family to help you a long the way but the only person, the only one that can actually get up and ride is you...

...And that's what I have to remember.

But savor the weekends that your head is in the clouds. They may make things clearer when you come back down, touching down back in your home town, in the place where you started this journey to the place you want to be.

As I drove here to JBlue tonight I turned off the radio. I turned off the A/C. I opened the windows and smelled the fresh air and listened to the wind. It's clear now... I have to move on. I have to get back up on my horse and ride again, and while I may need my friends and family to help me, I have to do it all by myself. I have to attack my debts, I have to attack my weight, I have to attack... and succeed.

Welcome back to reality. Welcome back to the place where I started the journey to the place where I wanted to be. It's not square one... I've learned. It's time to ride.