What's it to ya?

I really have nothing to talk about.

Everybody at one point or another runs out of things to say.

It's not like it's over - just... postponed.

Last night I talked to Caitlin over instant messanger. If I remember correctly, the last time we actually talked was last year, but the conversation was so minimal I don't really remember exactly when it was. In a post a few days ago, I talked about her. I talked about how we used to go to the blue, talk, laugh... break up and make up. I've changed a lot since those days.

We talked for about an hour, catching up on the little things - small talk. We were beating around the bush.

I knew what she was thinking. By the way she talked to me - so canned, so... basic. Why the fuck was Justin talking to me? Why now? Why after all this time? What will I say? Why did he not talk to me for so long and now this?? What the fuck, over?

I don't blame her. I started the conversation with "so what's up Caitlin."

I wanted a reaction. I wanted to see how she could handle talking to me.

I've been thinking about her a lot, Caitlin - the one who's *always* innocent no mater how guilty she is. We used to have a lot of good memories. We let friends and ex friends and boyfriends and crushes and girlfriends come between us - Sometimes I think, if we ran away together from all this, would be still be friends today instead of this... dirty cloud... Sometimes I think it wasn't her, or me, it was all of us. It was Me, Her, Serena, Bill, David, Blake, Jason, Catrina, Tex, and whoever else that got all jumbled up and mixed in. Sooner or later it was to tough to handle and one of us snapped. No I feel that she just doesn't defend me because it's whats she's used to. She's still friends with Bill - which her point was, "so what's that got to do with us?"

Maybe she's right.

Why do we let people get inbetwen our closest of friends? We should all run away and stick by the person that they care about the most. Would Serena and Bill get in the way? Not if I could help it, they are all separate entities now. Bill is dead to me - a ghost, a memory - nothing more.

But still I wonder - what would they think of Caitlin if they knew I was talking to her? What if I met with her one night at the blue? What if I made out with her? Ok let's not get ahead of ourselves here - but what would happen? Where would her friends loyalty be? What would her loyalty be to me? Would she let our old mutual friends get inbetween us?

She said last night nobody is loyal to anyone else. Sadly - it's true - for the most part. I am loyal to some. Egle, loyal - I'd back her up even if she killed some one. Adrian, Juan, loyal - same deal. And if we had mutual friends, I would chose those that I am loyal to instead of the mutual friend. Loyalties change though... as in, I used to defend Caitlin to the ends of the earth - until one day when her two closest friends split up, and she had to pick a side. Could she be loyal to both of us? A neutral? I dunno... I guess so. I guess I never knew whether she was or not. That's in her defense. In my defense, she was friends with the enemy, therefore she was the enemy.

I said it before, I don't blame her. She's known Bill for much longer than me. In fact - I was an outsider that joined the group much later than its original forming. They've been tight since high school or just after. I came in years later. So obviously, what I'm saying is your loyalty doesn't have to lie with the right person, just the most important to you.

I guess I wasn't.

But as I said - now I'm not so sure... maybe she was a neutral. Maybe Serena still to this day fills my head with how much shit people talk of me and how much she defends me. Maybe Caitlin really is speaking in my favor. How am I to know unless I was listening in? Maybe she's not speaking at all... maybe I'm nothing to her... maybe I should just say fuck it and move on.

Maybe I should move to New York and start over.


Then again, maybe not.