What's it to ya?

I really have nothing to talk about.

Everybody at one point or another runs out of things to say.

It's not like it's over - just... postponed.

Last night I talked to Caitlin over instant messanger. If I remember correctly, the last time we actually talked was last year, but the conversation was so minimal I don't really remember exactly when it was. In a post a few days ago, I talked about her. I talked about how we used to go to the blue, talk, laugh... break up and make up. I've changed a lot since those days.

We talked for about an hour, catching up on the little things - small talk. We were beating around the bush.

I knew what she was thinking. By the way she talked to me - so canned, so... basic. Why the fuck was Justin talking to me? Why now? Why after all this time? What will I say? Why did he not talk to me for so long and now this?? What the fuck, over?

I don't blame her. I started the conversation with "so what's up Caitlin."

I wanted a reaction. I wanted to see how she could handle talking to me.

I've been thinking about her a lot, Caitlin - the one who's *always* innocent no mater how guilty she is. We used to have a lot of good memories. We let friends and ex friends and boyfriends and crushes and girlfriends come between us - Sometimes I think, if we ran away together from all this, would be still be friends today instead of this... dirty cloud... Sometimes I think it wasn't her, or me, it was all of us. It was Me, Her, Serena, Bill, David, Blake, Jason, Catrina, Tex, and whoever else that got all jumbled up and mixed in. Sooner or later it was to tough to handle and one of us snapped. No I feel that she just doesn't defend me because it's whats she's used to. She's still friends with Bill - which her point was, "so what's that got to do with us?"

Maybe she's right.

Why do we let people get inbetwen our closest of friends? We should all run away and stick by the person that they care about the most. Would Serena and Bill get in the way? Not if I could help it, they are all separate entities now. Bill is dead to me - a ghost, a memory - nothing more.

But still I wonder - what would they think of Caitlin if they knew I was talking to her? What if I met with her one night at the blue? What if I made out with her? Ok let's not get ahead of ourselves here - but what would happen? Where would her friends loyalty be? What would her loyalty be to me? Would she let our old mutual friends get inbetween us?

She said last night nobody is loyal to anyone else. Sadly - it's true - for the most part. I am loyal to some. Egle, loyal - I'd back her up even if she killed some one. Adrian, Juan, loyal - same deal. And if we had mutual friends, I would chose those that I am loyal to instead of the mutual friend. Loyalties change though... as in, I used to defend Caitlin to the ends of the earth - until one day when her two closest friends split up, and she had to pick a side. Could she be loyal to both of us? A neutral? I dunno... I guess so. I guess I never knew whether she was or not. That's in her defense. In my defense, she was friends with the enemy, therefore she was the enemy.

I said it before, I don't blame her. She's known Bill for much longer than me. In fact - I was an outsider that joined the group much later than its original forming. They've been tight since high school or just after. I came in years later. So obviously, what I'm saying is your loyalty doesn't have to lie with the right person, just the most important to you.

I guess I wasn't.

But as I said - now I'm not so sure... maybe she was a neutral. Maybe Serena still to this day fills my head with how much shit people talk of me and how much she defends me. Maybe Caitlin really is speaking in my favor. How am I to know unless I was listening in? Maybe she's not speaking at all... maybe I'm nothing to her... maybe I should just say fuck it and move on.

Maybe I should move to New York and start over.


Then again, maybe not.

Faces

'Sup.

It seems once again I have begun to slide off the path that I would like to be on for this blog. I at one point took all the personal stuff out, and made this place available for information... a place where new DJs can come and get a first hand view of what this world is really like. I wanted it to also be a place where everyone else can see my experiences through my own eyes, sharing thoughts on how I felt about all of them. Instead, take example of my last post, where I needed a place to vent about my girl problems, and my friend and sex problems... you people don't really care about that. My close friends do, sure... but not the general reader.

That being said, I think there is a place for it in this blog. I am an everyday guy. Not a celebrity, not poor little rich dude... I'm lazy, in love, broke occationally, overweight, unbalanced... just like every other everyday guy. So I'm gonna have everyday-guy-things happen to me. I'm gonna have girl troubles. I'm going to have money problems. I will have issues with my new and old friends and friends I've yet to even meet - I will have them. Problems occur.

Now that being said, about what was being said.... let it be said that in my current "everyday guy" status I have hopes and dreams that of an "incredible guy," which means this place should be home to both sides of the spectrum. It should be informational, a place where new DJs and fans can come and enjoy the depths of the music business; as well as a place to get up close and personal with everyone, share my feelings... share my life.

There, now it's all said.

I have many faces. Some of which are sweet and caring, some are more stern, direct, some just plain old hurtful I'm told. Some of my faces are fun, or are all about fun. For instance: around my boys CoolStylz and K.I.D, I'm the general party animal male. I check out women as obviously as possible, make comment on how "I'd do 'em" and move on to my next. I make noise, I yell, I raise my voice. I smile a lot. This face makes me happy.

My different faces are still me. I am always me. The same lazy, in love, occationally broke, overweight, fun-loving, full of life and laughter kinda guy. Different people bring different sides of that out. I like that. I like that I can find the best in everyone - that the people I spend time with bring out some different emotions and reactions for me. I think we all need that. We are still "being ourselves" this isn't being fake. Being fake is seeking out people that you want to be like and acting like them to fit in. It's not really you - it's you acting. You're better off trying out for the next season of The Real World and try out your realilty acting skills.

That's important...

Remember the difference and the distinction between bringing out different faces of you, and just being fake - people tend to like the former much more than the latter.

Speaking of faces, I will be constructing a new face for my network of websites. I am working to develop my (JPhoenix) official logo, which features my favorite symbol the bass clef, mixed with a strong representation of the Phoenix bird. It will be embeded into a "seal" or a shield of some type, like an official seal or something to that effect. My small version will be just the wings that boast the bass clef. I will post a draft of the logo in a few days after permissions are set for it. With that addition, I will begin a new self-marketing campaign to get my name as well as my internet radio station out there. My website will change, as well as all the corresponding sites: the MySpace and of course, this blog. Some new imagery will be created, which will be done by myself, with the help of Adrian with Cool Styles Productions.

It's time.

.... It's time I leave this current "everyday guy" world and take my first few steps towards the top. I'm not gonna sit here and say that I'm the greatest DJ ever, or that I'm dripping with raw talent that will blow everyone away. I still have a lot of work to do, many steps still to take. This is just the first one.

Learning is key. With the current class of 2006 graduating... I am beginning to realize that I will soon be left behind if I don't get my shit together - and fast. So for the summer I am enrolling in some new classes, specific ones geared towards exactly what I want to learn. I'm gonna get the knowledge I need to be successful. Doesn't mean I'm gonna get a degree or anything like that - but instead I'll work to learn what I need to learn and expand from there. Maybe eventually a degree will come - but mainly I want the career. The work that I'll love to do. It's so close I can taste it.

New York is calling.

Just so everyone knows, J*Phoenix... The Phoenix is a THING, not a PLACE. Yes, it is inspired by where I began DJing, which is here in Phoenix, AZ - that doesn't mean that the Phoenix in my DJ name stands for my location.

Phoenix is the bird of fire - that rose after death from the flames and gave everyone life. As I as well have fallen into the flames - and will one day rise above the fire and give everyone the joy of music. I am much like the Phoenix. Therefore, Phoenix is a THING.

So if I leave Phoenix, Arizona - I will still be JPhoenix. I have current aspirations to move outta here. Get outta dodge and force myself to do what I truely want to do. If I stay here, I'm comfortable here. I'm in my own skin. Why can't I just... go? Do you realize how much work there is to be had in bigger cities like LA, Chicago, or New York? Not to mention the fact that I have friends on the East Coast, giving myself an instant following and a growing word-of-mouth advertising campaign. Thats also not to mention... other... important people currently in my life that one day I would like to meet up with. But that's another story...

So let me wrap this one up cause I jumped around a lot.

The reason I posted about this subject was because some one brought up the "way you act around your boys." So I wanted to make it clear that even though I may act different around different people - it's still me, just a different side of me. Then I just used that as a transition into telling everyone that they can expect the website to be changed a lot in the near future...

Maybe you should also keep an ear out for a new mix.... did someone say Progressive House and Trance?

Have a day.

Blue Vent

Last night, I was sitting in the Blue bar, talking to Egle (of course). I also do work there, work on my webpage, my radio station, myspace... my laptop has proven a wonderful tool for all my needs. So I was sitting there last night and something hit me.... My life has changed 100 times since my first day coming to the Blue.

It was a co-worker that introduced me to Jamaican Blue Coffee House. I don't remember the specific co-worker now to be honest, but that doesn't matter. I think it was somewhere in passing and talking about coffee shops that she mentioned the JBlue. So one day I called up Caitlin, who I liked at the time and wanted to do something that was just for us... so we went.

She was the first person to come to Jamaican Blue with me. Back then it was oddly painted, brown, with some cheesy murals on some of the walls and a big menu by the main bar. Ugly lights... but tons of couches, tables, chairs... it was perfect. We fell in love with the Triple White Mocha (which I think she still drinks) and we sat and talked for hours. It was our place. We went there together as a pair all the time - everyone pretty much thought we were together.

Then we invited Bill. Then others... soon JBlue became the weekly hangout spot - if not the DAILY hangout spot... we were there with Barry and Paul, Barry being the grundgy freelanced ass hole that everyone loved; Paul being the more responsible but cool guy. Then came free coffee and cigarettes. Each night we went, more and more conversation. I still always paid my bill, and always will. Free coffee or not - I would never take advantage of it.

Then Barry painted the place. Slowly JBlue began to change and so did I. The walls became an artsy blue and white, the murals gone, the lights were changed. The menu pulled off the wall and replaced with blue. Alcohol began to be served. Beer and Wine... the pool table replaced many of the tables and chairs.

The conversation changed, I stopped liking Caitlin "like that" and started secretly liking Serena. Bill and I lived together. Caitlin and I were good friends... occationally making out when drunk. Caitlin and I through this were together one minute and apart the next, in love or just... convenient. But always, conversation. My usual became the largest possible cup of house coffee.

Then we all changed. Over a year ago, my liking for Bill turned to hatred. Caitlin faded away and soon disappeared. Serena was avoided. The crew was gone.

I started DJing. I found new friends. JBlue.... faded as well.

Then another change. I was broke and miserable. Alone, in the dark. My brother threw me out and I fell on Serena to help. She didn't help, it was only temporary. I was alone.

They continued to go. Not as often, and now with new people I didn't know. They went in large groups now and make a ruckus and forget the person that introduced them to the place they now take for granted, and take advantage of.

About 5 months ago... I started going again too. It had changed again... the blue lines and blocks painted over to a flat blue now, and art hangs on the walls for sale. The same regulars have brought new people, I now come alone and sit with my laptop. What used to be the catalyst of conversation is now just the venue to work in. A place that still has great coffee, but also offers free wireless internet. Since then I've brought my brother, who loves it, and now joins me occationally. Sometimes Adrian joins me, and we sit with our laptops and we discuss ideas. Not the same as it used to be. Then Egle and I started talking more... then after she came out here... a LOT more... now the usual person I bring with me to JBlue is her.... through instant messenger.

And last night I looked up from my laptop... took a look around. I saw a guy and a girl walk in together, it must have been their first time. They took a look at the menu... and it reminded me of my first time with Caitlin. They ordered a drink, and went to the couches to sit and talk. I see it all the time. People over there in those couches... sitting and talking. Sometimes its the tables...sitting and talking. Sometimes its the bar... sitting and talking. The face of the Blue may have changed, but its purpose will always be the same.

I don't talk to any of them anymore. I do see them every now and then, there with 7 or 8 others being loud, carrying on. Were we ever like that? Were we ever that nuts? With us it was just... talking. Not making fun or gossiping or telling jokes. It was stories and discussion... it was politics and religion. It was sex and love, and relationships. It was breaking up, and then making up. It was talking for the first time after 2 months... or two weeks... depending on how long Caitlin and I could stand being away from eachother. It was the thrill of the rondevue, or jut the meeting spot. It was there for weekly reflection, our own eight o'clock to 2am church service. It was the place to plan, and make arrangements. But it wasn't all this... it was never a party.

I guess occationally... but never every time. The coffee did it.

I don't miss the bullshit that my friends brought to my life. I don't miss that one bit. They did nothing but stab me in the back and so now I stand firm and I don't let anyone walk on me. Caitlin was the example I set. Bill I just hate basically because he talks about killing me everytime he talks about me. Still. Caitlin is the example, because she doesn't defend me. She's just as quick to be nice to my face, and laugh at me behind my back when someone else talks shit. You can't blame her to do any of the shit talking herself... no that's always been her arguement - she just doesn't stand up or have any loyalty for the friends that she cares about. Shit even Serena who hates my guts and I'm sure wants to kill me herself still defends me from Bill, and whoever else brings me up. Why am I still brought up? Why am I this imfamous celebrity with my old friends?

I'm sure one or two of them still read this blog. I haven't hidden it. I used to talk about them all the time in this place - it wasn't good because they would find out how I REALLY felt by reading the page. Sometimes it was less than pleased. Caitlin would always get the most angry about it. That's when JBlue came in handy.

Caitlin was one of those women that I wanted but could never have. I've come close before, being close friends with her, then making out with her occationally... it looked as if at one point Caitlin would have taken the plunge and jumped into a relationship with me. She was the first for everything. The first for the blue, the first for Karaoke, the first to here me sing John Mayer songs. She was the first to fall in love with Dave Matthews because of me. It was a tradition to make out with her on her birthday... and I tried to make it one for mine too. It was almost like it was set in stone - except for the fact that she also was more attracted to 10 other guys at the same time... then I started in with Serena and that was all over. But Serena was a different relationship. Serena was lust. Serena was friendship only because it seemed everyone else began to hate me. Serena wanted me all to herself. Serena liked house and techno, she loves it because of me. She knew about DMB, she now loves it because of me. She smoked Camel lights, then Ultra lights, then switched to Parliment all about the same time I did. She listened to Energy radio because I introduced her and became friends with disc jockeys there just despite me. She was a different relationship. Caitlin I was busy trying to get, Serena I was busy pushing away.

What I do miss is this place. The Blue Bar that it's now called, now has golden tee, a pool table... and the regulars all drink alcohol instead of coffee. What I miss is being able to call up Caitlin and meet her up here for converstation. Just to talk. To smile and laugh, to vent, to listen. I miss the good parts of my friends, they were reliable to show up to a party... then they were reliable to break something too. The places I used to go... Maloney's in Tempe, Hooters, Margarita Rocks... I don't go there anymore.

I hate it.

I hate my old friends for not standing up for me.
I hate my old friends because of all the great memories I now live with
I hate the fact that I can't move on
I hate the fact that I don't want to
I hate that I finally have someone that I want to be with...
I hate that she lives 3600 miles away
I hate that I'm now alone

I hate a lot of things... but most of all - I hate that the people I loved. The people I LOVED... Caitlin, Bill, David, whoever else - never took a second to think about my feelings. They never took a moment to think that maybe I am breakable. Maybe I'm not as tough as I used to be. I hated that they thought that I was just gonna be here. That I wasn't going anywhere that I'll just come running back. Fuck them for that.

I was fucking first damnit! I was!

I heard that Caitlin misses me. I say bullshit. If she really missed me - she'd tell me.

Sorry kids, you all haven't won yourself a spot back in my life yet. Too many burnt bridges. Not that any of you care - I mean, why start caring now?

Sometimes I still have days like this. I guess today is one of those days. Tomorrow I'll be better again.

Where's a good hug when I need it? Ugh... I don't want to post this one.. but....

"Ugh"

I'm:

tired
bored
anxious
addicted
horny
fucked
broke
worn
content
unhappy
shakey
guilty
fearful
fired
damnned
hungry
filled
lost
confused
dazed
smelly
annoyed
pissed
tortured
missed
loved
unloved
hated
loving
hopeful
hurt
friendly...

And I miss just being me. I want to be me again. How hard could that be?

Because Egle Said So

Egle said I should write a new post, and while I'm not always this easily influenced by women, she was right - I should - so, here ya go!

So, while I only have a couple events to write about, I do know of some great articles that I would like to direct you all to for your reading pleasure.

First, maybe we all could use a little more education on WHAT a DJ really is. If you want to read the full article, you can read it here. And if not; here's a rundown on what a DJ is...

A disc jockey (also called DJ, or dee'jay) is an individual who selects and plays prerecorded music for an intended audience. Now this is as basic as you can get. But the job these days goes far beyond just selecting the next song. In fact, these days, radio DJs don't even select the songs to play, that is done by programmers and managers at the radio station, based on algorithyms or something that show the best songs... but I won't get into that...

A Radio DJ simply announces and plays the next song, whatever it may be. They are told to promote the song however the artist wants and if they go against that they could get in trouble, if not fired... A radio DJ is definitely the low-paid sheep of all the types of DJs; working for the man and putting in long hours with little reward. Many people see the likes of the big names, Howard Stern, Opey and Anthony, and many others and look at Radio Disc Jockey as a glorified position, with a lot of attention and tons of money. These big names are exceptions to the rule. The radio DJ is the least glorified position in the station next to the interns.

But a DJ can instantly gain some flexibility and some gratification with just a little skill infront of a live audience. A DJ can take three different routes other than radio, whether it's being a Club DJ, a Turntablist, or a Mobile DJ.

The difference between a Club DJ and a Turntablist is simple, technique. While often these days the two forms of Disc Jockey are mixed, they are indeed separated by the types of music and the typed of audience. The once Club DJ played only disco, which later became house and its subgenres, simply beatmatching or cueing the next track to play, to keep the dancing going. Nowadays, there are tons of different forms of transition between songs, such as cueing, audio mixing, slam, scratch and slam, slip cueing, and simple beat and key matching. All have been pioneered by DJs of the past and are now industry standards. There's the 32 in and out, the blend, the radio fade, and the slam. Club DJ's and turntablists alike have now taken pre-recorded music and turned them into compositions of their own. While a club DJ is more about playing the music for a dancefloor, a Turtablist is more about the show. A Turntablist is all about the skills behind the decks, the scratching, the tricks. Dancing is only a biproduct of the performance they put on, turning the turntable from a simple record player, into an instrument itself.

The Mobile DJ is the middle ground between the radio and club DJs.

While the the other two types are about skill, technique, and talent - all that is required as a mobile DJ is an ear for the best music. The typical dancefloor will stay packed as long as the next song is a little better than the last. Beatmatching and scratching and so on are not necessary for a mobile DJ, but more to the effect of formatting and programing are the major points they must focus upon. Every week, they have to change their style to meet the needs of the client they are working for. They have to change their genres, carry whole libraries of the best music, and most of the hard to find stuff so they can put on full productions. The advantage is, Mobile DJs are indeed the highest paid on average. A good mobile business can drag in $1000 to $5000 an event, even lower class DJs or freelanced mobile DJs can start at $700. Times that by 40 to 60 events a year and that could mean a decent yearly salary.

So the DJ has many faces these days. OK, that's enough education for one day class.

************************

This weekend is gonna be tough. I have off Thursday and Friday, where thursday I'll be spending the day cleaning for my party Friday, getting everything finalized for my Saturday event, and buying neccessary food and drink items. Friday, will be setting up, cooking, preparing beverages and all the details. I'm hosting a Cinco de Mayo party at my house. A big one. One that will be kinda like the Trio's debut performance as well. The Trio: Me - JPhoenix, DJ CoolStylz, and K.I.D. the DJ. Me, Adrian, and Juan. All of us specialize in something a little different, myself being the biggest difference because I play house and trance. But together we can throw down a major bash and that's just what I plan on having. A Bash.