No Title

A Poem... for the season.



Feeling a bit woozy?
Time to get choosy.

Decorate your houses, lawns, and trees.

Talk about the past
But don't worry, that won't last

Time for gifts, egg nog, and families.

The holidays come every year
The memories bring us joy and cheer
Or perhaps even a little tear.
Perhaps even many tears.

But the point to the holidays
For those of you that care,
Is to come together in many ways
Doesn't matter if its here or there.

Family
Friends
Friends that are family,
Dogs
Cats
And the fishes.
Trees
Lights
Turkey and ham
Presents
Santa
Carolers singing

No matter who comes together,
Here or there
We all come together
Because we all are aware

It's the Holiday Season! Rejoice! The fun has begun!
Let us sing songs and make memories,
For future seasons to come.

Let us bring joy and cheerfulness unto others
And have a happy holiday time of year.
I'm buying snowboard stuff for my brother,
Because I told that's what he wanted, by mother dear. =)


....Wow that last line was pushing it a little.

Happy holidays, everyone. Party time!

Unique Reflections from Bubbles in my Coffee

Snap.

Like the straw that broke the camel's back... just one more thing could make me snap.

Snap.

Like waking up from a nightmare... the rush of blood to my head as I snap upright.

Snap.

Like opening my eyes for the first time... everything looking clear and perfect.

Snap.

Like suddenly understanding everything ahead of me, my past, my present... my future, in an instant - understanding my entire world, the worlds around me... the millions of worlds on this earth, and how they all relate to me. Like standing up for the first time in ages... it took some time to work my way to my feet. But this time...

Snap.

***************

Feeling a little pressure, the year is coming to a close. I stared in my coffee for a few seconds and saw myself in hundreds of different angles in the little bubbles in the mug. I looked up at a computer screen, that was blurry at this point, a fury of emails and tasks and work... some familiar faces, some I'm doing work for... whom I've never met. I'm enraged. I'm confused. I'm lost.

I got up and walked slowly to the restroom. Took a piss and then washed my hands and face... stood back and stared at myself in the mirror. I turned, took another look at myself in the full length mirror on the side. "Look at me," I said, not the outside... no... the outside has always needed work. What I needed to see was what was behind the surface... I needed to see the inside of me. I've never really been able to see that. "Look at me," I said... I was frustrated.

Confusion is a clog in the drain. Water can get through but it is slowed by gunk and mess and crap from the past. Such as life, your brain gets clogged with gunk and crap from your past, causing you confusion. "Who am I?" I asked myself.... I'm Justin fucking Chapin, is who I am. I am a rock. I am rock solid from years of upbringing and months of rough military training. I am a rock from experience with many different people, good and evil. I am a rock from Boy Scouts and ridicule, a rock from ever-so-hated practice... from being in my Brother's shadow or not being good enough for myself. A rock, that stands here and will not budge, will not flex. I am a rock that has broken hearts, broken minds, and I've broken into tears... I've lived through financial heartache, almost being homeless if it wasn't for my gracious parents or a reliable Serena Murno. I am a rock because I am who I am, and I know that. I know that I am this because of my past.

Insert Drano here.

I snapped back into place, gave myself a present arms, an about face... and stepped smartly to the door.

Ambient downtempo house music fills my ears... watching as planes take off from the small airport down the street from my office at lunch. Business men and women in their corporate jets, pilot training, small props take off and give me and fellow watchers a mini air show. I was joined by two other cars... I wasn't the first to ever think of this form of therapy I guess. The two other cars and I sat in silence, munching on hamburgers and fries, just glazed. A corporate jet took off, roaring down the hot runway... blazing a mirage-like blur from the afterburners behind it, the landing gear nestling itself into the hull... the sound shaking my inner core. I closed my eyes... a quick REM cycle... didn't make it that far.

Snap.

Turned the car back on and headed back to the office. Blurred vision. I check my phone three times, 5 seconds apart... no texts. I sit down at my desk and click refresh 15 times... no emails.

I leaned back, blurred vision. Confusion has clogged up my brain drain pipes again. Two things waited for me to do, I did them, on auto-pilot... I know this place so well I can do the everyday tasks in my sleep. I can do everything in my sleep. I've mastered everything I do to my satisfaction and it bores me. I needed a challenge. I require an adventure.

I had one. How about making it through the rest of this year without another episode of self-doubt and denial? How about sitting back and relaxing through the holiday season without bursting into a rage like last year?

What do I have to be thankful for? My family, for starters... the always-helping, always-cheerful bunch of assholes that we are. Friends? Yeah I can thank them, too. When they're around and not running for cover when something goes wrong. I can thank the ones that will always be there... even after years of strife and issues... still there. I can thank the ones that show nothing but appreciation.... and I show nothing but appreciation for that. For friends, that are forgiving, that are fearless to stand up to me. That give me the tough love, or the sweet love, depending on the situation. The friends I consider family, I am thankful for them... even if we haven't talked in months, even if I may not agree with every choice they make... I love them.

So many plans... so many things I have planned for me and my friends, my family.. plans that I will never carry out. One plan... one plan that I will is my appreciation for them. I will show them. I will prove it to them. I must not be doing that enough if they sometimes think negatively of me. Even if sometimes I don't make the best decisions, they can still think positive of me... I want them to. I've lost too many friends because of that. I've been hurt... way too many times.

Snap.

The final minutes in my day click away, as I sat here working... I check my phone 27 more times... no texts. I clicked my email refresh 100 more times... someone won't be in next week because of the Holidays. I bet there's good reason for that. Good family, good friends, things to be thankful for. A reason to take three days from work to share in the beginning of this 2006 holiday season. A time to reflect upon yourself and find what truly sits deep within you. To finally find that inspiration and just go get it. Whether its a super star, a doctor, a lawyer, or a house wife... to just go get it. Stop this mess.

Insert Drano here.

Another night at the blue tonight. No going out, down to 20 days left before the drinking restriction I placed on myself will end. Then it's party time, a Patron and Bud light. The Blue isn't going out, it's going in. Into a zone that I enjoy... working on something I enjoy, talking to people online I enjoy talking to. No fights, skirmishes... disagreements, problems, stressful and confusing situations. It's my brain, buried in headphones pumping out trance and downtempo, sipping on coffee that warms me all the way down.

I have things to be thankful for. A girl... a girl that is so much a part of my life... sometimes its easy to forget when she lives 2,647 miles away. I will see her again soon... the good times we will have... memories only harden our friendship even more. A rock solid friendship... I can be thankful for her.

It's clear now, what I must do.

I hope you all have a safe, prosperous, and special holiday season... seems to start earlier every year, soon we'll be gearing up for it before Halloween. Listen for the announcement of the official launch of my radio station on the Internet, Groove AZ Radio... which is continually being delayed for too many reasons. It will be perfect when it launches. I've had my practice... it's time to execute.

To my friends, family, and friends that are family... cheers. The birthday is coming soon.

Have a day.

24d 13h 02m 27s

Is about how much time I have left until I can have my first drink of alcohol again.

I've learned an awful lot the past couple months, it's strange because... I was never a big drinker. I could get drunk if I wanted to or if I knew I could and I would be safe... but I never really did. Had my two beers, maybe a shot if someone bought for me, that was it. I never got crazy, never got loud and nuts. Just liked being me... in control.

I like being in control... I'm focused. I'm aware, I can see all and understand all. When people drink they tend to lose control and I guess I'm just not comfortable with that happening all the time.

But what I learned is... it's OK to lose some control. That's the point! The point is the release of energy, of stress. It's the feeling that you don't have any worries for just a moment. The key is, learning the balance between being in control and being out of control... that very thin line where you can release a little stress, relax a little bit, but still know whats going on and being coherent.

I learned that you stick out like a sore thumb if you're alone, and not drinking, at any bar or club in the US. Doesn't matter where you are, if you aren't with anyone, and you aren't drinking - you are by definition, a loser. And I think that's the dumbest philosophy on earth.

BUT - what I also found is that the many times I was alone at a given bar drinking coke - that even if I'm with a bunch of people - I'm still alone.

Which is why I don't go out that often these days. I'm not on their level - and they'll treat you that way, too. It's almost like people can't have fun without drinking. So I feel like the party pooper cause I'm "the good boy" trying to support my own cause.

I used to be the party starter...

So... these 90 days have taught me a lot. Being sober has helped me do a lot of thinking, a lot of feeling... a lot of planning. I'm more in control of my life and soon... very soon I'll be able to lose a little bit of that control again. I'll be able to release. I've had an awful lot of build up!

And now I know, now I see what that line is between control and out of control. I know how to approach it and how to handle it. I'm stronger now because of my choice.

I found the true friends... the ones that still want to hang out with me even if I don't drink. The ones that don't mind if I still come to a bar even if I don't drink. The ones that won't drink at all or won't drink that much with me... just to make me feel equal. The ones that appreciate the 90 day designated driver job that I've taken on. I'm not a freak cause I don't drink, I made a choice. A choice that was very tough for me, but the reward will be worth it.

The alcohol money that I haven't been using has been going to two things, paying off my credit card, because the sooner I do that the sooner I can go to the East Coast... and my vinyl record fund. Which will be spent on new records that I have been waiting so very long for. I'm getting a lot of 50 from ebay, all trance. Then I'm going shopping for specifics at the local spots.

I'm excited. My birthday weekend is December 7th through the 12th. Who cares what day my actual birthday is... it's the whole fuckin weekend!!

See you in the ocean,
J*

What Ed Said

It's funny, because if you aren't careful, someone you may not even know can change your life in an hour or two, if you let them.

I come to you all, late at night, after coming home early from the bars because my brother wanted to crash. I was his DD... seeing that I haven't drank in almost two months now, I tend to be DD - all the time.

I met him out at Sugar Daddy's... a local smash hit with people that know better about clubs these days. A low-key, simple spot with a lot of room, and plenty of fun. They have great food, great music... it's pretty much your all-encompassing good time.

If you drink.

But I don't right now... so having a good time becomes a tad harder to do.

So after just sitting there while my brother chatted up with all of his co-workers... I decided to try to become a part of the conversation.

This is when Brian introduced me to Ed. Ed is a film director. He's not, however - a successful film director... yet. By the end of the night, though, I found that he will be one day.

But that's not the important part. A conversation took off out of thin air that turned into a discussion... that then progressed quickly into a deep, thought out debate and continued to grow from there. To finally, the resolution of the whole night that became what is and what will be a conversation I will never forget.

It's time to jump.

Feel free to go ahead and be cynical. This blog will not be for everyone... in fact... it's only for those that are willing to listen - with an open mind and have a little optimism.

I want you to ask yourself four questions:

1. What do I do?
2. How did I get here?
3. Do I like it?
4. What would I have done different, given the chance again.

We have found, that in this world there is what 99% of the people in this world do... and then there's the 1%, who know what everyone else is doing, and guide them to do it every day. These few select people are the people we trust and go to, all the time... for guidance, for direction, for knowledge, for hope. These people are your teachers, and your artists, and your inspiration. While they all have similar responsibilities... we're going to talk tonight, about art, and the artist.

First let's think INSIDE the "box." The box is the place where we live, work, play... every day... our same measly lives that is a part of a whole unit, a workplace, a common goal between all of us. We are taught by the people that are at the top of our lives, that we need to think "outside the box." Why? Because we have to... without stepping outside of the flock, you will always go with the flow and nothing new will happen.

Ever.

But, since we're in the box... let's focus on that for right now.

Everyday, we, as a nation... a globe. We get up and we do the things we HAVE to do. The things we must do because we are told they are right. We are told they are the way we must act, live, and dream. We wake up, convince ourselves that this is how it works, we make our beds, drive to work, practically KILL ourselves... go home, make dinner, go to bed. Some people also occasionally go out to a bar, they go out to eat... but that's all still just... normal. You're supposed to do all that.

That's what's in the box... normalcy. The everyday thing we know how to do.

In the box there's a lot of things... things to do and see... there's ads in newspapers and on TV and radio, billboard signs. Things that are making you think... that are SUGGESTING to your subconscious about what choices you should make when you feel a certain way, when you require a certain item.

All included in your very own box.

When you realize how MUCH of it there is... you're on your first step to stepping out of the box.

That's when magic happens. That's when all of a sudden things become very clear about what you believe in, what you care about, and what you want. All of a sudden, you're no longer hanging with the pack... no... now you're an individual. You're different. You don't see life just like anyone else's... you see your life as your own, and you may start seeing how you can make it BE your own.

OK, that was a whole lot of rambling... so let's get back on subject.

Maybe we'll talk a little bit about my story, and how it relates to Ed's story.

For a while, I knew that I loved music. I knew that somehow I wanted it to be a part of my life, but wasn't sure how to go about it - certainly wasn't sure if I could actually DO it. So, almost like nature intended, I joined the 99% and got a few jobs, simply dreaming of what I could be.

Slowly but surely, however - my dreams began driving me to ask questions...

What am I doing?
Why am I here?
Do I like what I'm doing?
What should I be doing different?

Then it hit me - I was trapped. Trapped in a job behind a desk, relying on each paycheck, hoping the day would come something will just fall in my lap that will allow me to just go.

Yeah, right.

My interest from music began to grow; theater and production, as well. It wasn't until a faithful day, a Tuesday, that I won tickets to go see some DJ in concert. By this time I had already entertained the idea of becoming a DJ, but I convinced myself that there was no way in to the business. That was, until I won those tickets.

I stood there in the office of Energy 92.7/101.1, waiting for my winnings. To the side, I noticed something, an ad, for a Disc Jockey 101 course at Scottsdale Community College.

DJ 101?

It took me a while... I did a lot of thinking that night holding that card in my hand. I stared at it and read the outline over and over again. I talked to my brother about, a couple friends about it... they weren't any help. Then I took a look at my life... music... technology... I so loved watching the DJ in action... could it be? Could it... YES! YES THAT'S IT!!

I was going to become a DJ, because it's what I want to do.

This is what Ed called the "epiphany stage." When you all of a sudden realize that yes, this is what you want to do, and you will stop at nothing to do it. It was like everything cleared right up. No more questions. No more quests. I knew what I was supposed to do.

The very next day I signed up for that class.

I signed up for that class, and about two months later, I began working for SKM Entertainment.

*************

When looking back on that moment, I was so... READY. I was way ahead of myself and I realized recently that things take longer than we want them to. Things take time, and this road is hard, it's windy, it's narrow at points... we have to trek down them carefully.

But this conversation with Ed couldn't have come at a better time. He was spot-on about EVERYTHING I was going through... and he reassured me that I was heading in the right direction. That I'll know when it's time to jump, but I will have to jump, in order to go anywhere.
I haven't jumped yet. Not ready to. It is time, the time in my life that I need to take that jump... but I need to be secure. Not secure that when I jump that I'll land safely on the bottom, no, secure that I'm ready to jump. Tonight was pretty convincing, however, that I'm getting close to that point.

We'll talk about the jumping analogy in a minute.

It's about sacrifice. Are we, as artists, willing to sacrifice our lives for humanity? That's what we do, right? It's not about the money with me - shit DJ's don't make any - I LOVE bringing people joy, LOVE it. Not just on a personal level - I have close friends for that. I'm talking about a broad level, a massive level, knowing I'm connecting some how with thousands or even millions of people... bringing them joy... wow. What a feeling.

The Dave Matthews Concert this year. Amazing. The awesome effects that Dave has on me - you don't realize that others share that same feeling with you sometimes. That's because they don't want you to feel that, yet. Take a look around a concert as big as that... you'll start noticing how they create this world for you... it's amazing. It starts with the lights, the lights are off, and naturally our eyes will focus on where the light is. So we focus on what is happening on the stage. The band has the ability to capture us, with its lights and sound, it captures us and puts us in a little bit of a trance. You all of a sudden become an individual.. the people you came with, the things happening, people around you... they all go away, and it's just you, and the band.

They have you hangin by a thread. It doesn't matter by this point what Dave says up there, every time he opens his mouth people will cheer their hearts out. They will cheer at every violin solo from Boyd Tinsley, every sax riff from LeRoy Moore. They cheer because they are captured. You are an individual.

You are no longer in the box.

Until, at one point in the concert, that peak moment when everyone is as joyful as they can be - the lights come on, the lights flash from the stage to everyone else... all of a sudden - you aren't alone - but now you're with 40,000 of your closest friends. This... this is an awesome feeling. No one, is in the box.

That's what I want. I want that. I want people to be captured, entranced. I want people to cheer their hearts out and find their individuality. I want people to be happy, happy because of me.

Why does Dave have it and I don't? They've figured it out. They know what it takes.

We are all bound by one thing. One thing makes us one person...

What gets us dancing, huh? What keeps us moving? It's the beat. Dave has figured that out. Carter Beauford is an absolute genius behind the drums. Why is the beat so important?

Because we all have one... our hearts.

Sometimes the beat is slower, more flowing, relaxed... sometimes the beat is higher, more energized. It's up to the band to find out where our natural beat is, and capitalize on it.

********

As you can clearly see, there was a lot to this conversation. We went in depth about everything. Two hours worth... went by in a flash. It sounds kinda random and all over the place I'm sure... eh... it happens.

But one part stood out for me, and I'm going to tell Ed's story, the analogy of the transition between doing what you have to do and doing what you really want to do...

Picture yourself standing on a cliff. Behind you, are 100 people telling you, "Don't look over that cliff, that's bad don't look over there."

But you look... if you're asking yourselves the right questions, oh hell yeah you'll look. You want to know what's down there. You almost have to know whats down there. It seems so far, why would anyone jump? We're perfectly safe up here on the cliff, no one gets hurt, we live on... the 100 people agree.

But then there's that one person, that person either inside of you or close to you... that one that says... "why the fuck wouldn't you jump? What if you never knew what was down there and you miss out on a whole new amazing life?"

Good advice.

Some people will look over that ledge all their lives and never jump, some take years before they jump... the smart people... they jump now.

So, leaving that 100 people behind you take a deep breath, spread your arms to the sky and leap your hardest off the cliff.

And you fall.

And you fall.

And you FALL.

AND YOU FALL!

You fall and continue to fall... the whole time falling you wonder... oh shit - did I make a mistake?

Then boom... you hit the water in the river below... but you don't know how to swim yet.

But you learn. This is what you wanted to you better damn well learn how to at least tread water. So you kick your legs and flap your arms and you can see the light and the break in the water... you reach the top.... WHOOOSH... a huge breath pours in and you made it. Your head is above water. You want to scream back at the 100 people now looking at you and laughing... you want to tell them that you made it, that you're still alive...

But they can't hear you. Good riddance.

The river begins to take you. It's tough at first because you're just learning to swim. The river is windy and rapid... increasing in speed and throwing new challenges at you along the way. But you want this... you took the jump so you learn. You deal with it.

So you continue on, the water getting faster, things more intense until... a water fall...

You fly down the waterfall, certain that this will be your demise... which sucks because you were getting so good at it. You fall and fall some more and then you hit the water below...

This is it... the final test. If you survive you have made it. You have reached the place where you want to be. If you don't... you will die. So you withstand the beating of the waterfall above you. You swim beyond the falling tides and you find yourself in calmer waters... so, you look up, take a deep breath... and what you see before you?

The Ocean. And its wide open for your taking. Nicely done, baby.

You look back, you can't even see those 100 people from before. You're on to new adventures and there's people along the way that will be there for you. Nicely done, baby.

You've made it.

*******

So to sum everything up. It's become very clear to me what I want. I want it all. I want the whole deal, and very soon... very soon I'm gonna take the jump. Make the plunge.

I told ya all it took was some inspiration....

See you in the ocean,
J*

It's Time to Groove

Welcome back, everyone. As October comes to a close I have a rather large and exciting announcement.

We're headed back to the internet radio airwaves!

That's right people, we're coming back with a whole new style and at a whole new level. The best and sexiest tracks from the worlds of Classic and Current Hip Hop, Electronica, and whatever else you can groove too.

Introducing Groove AZ Radio.

We Launch November 1st... and Thursday, November 2nd, a special live show to start things off.

We'll see you there.

It's good to be back,
J*

The Concert

I'm sharing this with you all because for once I want to document where I want to be 10 years from now... enjoy.

We've all had dreams. We all have goals and places we want to go and do and see. Its because of this that we are driven to wake up every day.

When you were in high school, your guidance counselor may have come into your class and made you take a survey. We all know this survey... it's the exam we all take so that they may find out a good place for us to go. The big question?

"Where do you see yourself in 10 years?"

The answer is normally canned, because as a society we all have somewhere around the same answer.

"Happy and Successful."

Well, yes, that...

But what's the real answer?

I see myself in lights. On signs. On bumper stickers. In 10 years I see myself in a supermarket and some random person comes up to me and says "hey aren't you that guy...."

Yeah, I'm that guy.

I've had a recurring dream, at nights... a daydream, too. It's the dream that drives me to continue to do this. I've had this dream before I even thought about becoming a DJ. Before I even thought that DJing was a place for me. My dream has always been there, now it just has depth.

It starts of simple... an in-person view of me driving through the streets of a city, in nothing fancy... just me, bopping to the beat of some tunes and watching the world pass by. But this day, this day is different than others. For this day, is the day of my concert.

There's been many others like it - but only mine would be... mine. If you know anything about me, everything I do is over the top.

I'm on my way to my apartment, to get ready - it's still morning. I clean up and I get dressed. Now a different, much nicer car comes to pick me up and take me to the venue.

When I arrive there - the crowd is already there, because my concert isn't just about me and what I play - no - my concert is more like a festival of music. It's everything I like, from Jazz to Trance, slowly progressing throughout the night. It would start with some local piano players in duets or a small jazz group. Something easy and light - something to enjoy as you begin to eat and drink and socialize. When it gets darker - ambient at sunset. St. Germain or something from Ibiza. It's sexy, it's potential energy ready to burst.

Then the DJs come out. The lights are on, but not all of them - the big show is saved for me.

The crowd is 100,000 people strong.

Then deep house, pumping up the crowd with some big names of that era, in a booth that sits lower than the actual stage or maybe off to either side.

The music however, never stops.

There's no set changes, no waiting - each group smashes right into the next. Each act is ready to start right after the last one finishes. Because I feel, people are there to enjoy music, not standing.

The DJs mix into each other - on DJ booths all over the property... because I always feel people shouldn't have to stare at the same backdrop all night.

When the crowd is good and prepped - it's time for my entrance.

When I start playing at my concert, I would take it slow - but my entrance would be spectacular. I wouldn't just walk in and start DJing - no - I couldn't go into my first concert like that. I would have been playing in clubs and venues for years by that point. This time it would be me... my entire world opened up to me. I would have to make a proper entrance.

The dream has changed a couple times. Sometimes I've entered from the top of the stage, being lowered down... sometimes I've just appeared, with lasers and flames and flashing lights everywhere... but none of them stuck until recently...

I decided that my entrance would be best of both worlds, I'm humble so just walking in would be how I like to roll, but this time - this time it would be to the lasers and flames and lights... to a massive DJ booth in front of me... then there'd be silence. Nothing, the crowd, the music, the lights... everything silent.

It would start with some ambiance - something for people to look at on the massive screens... a video - some piano, some slow beats. It would be recognizable. A song that everyone would say "ooohhh I love this one!"

It would be one of my many songs.

Then I would pick up the pace... driving the mix faster and harder as the night progresses. My act couldn't be just me, though. No, my act is different. My act has other artists included... singers would sing some of my songs live, some familiar sax or strings players from earlier would play leads to my songs live. There'd be dancers, drummers, other DJs would come and battle with me. There'd be acrobatics, there'd be stunts, there'd be magic.

I wouldn't stay in the same spot. I would start a track at one booth and run to another to mix something else in, then run to a third booth and mix something else in.

I'd have a camera on my main booth, from the top down, so everyone could see the eight turntables working at once as I built a song from scratch using custom vinyls. I would create a song with turntables as if they were an instrument themselves, my hands effortlessly working each record and pitch adjust as if they were part of my body.

Then it'd be music. Lights, color, and music. The mix heading to new heights as the entire crowd all bounces to one beat. The entire arena is lit like a dancefloor, because I feel that even though we wouldn't be in a club, it should feel that way. As the finale draws near, an enormous "J" in lights shines behind me, glimmering different designs getting brighter at the biggest change-overs. Flashing strobes as the mix goes forward another level.

I would want people to leave awe-struck, the only expression showing is that of sheer excitement, sheer joy. Behind the J in lights a curtain would open revealing a full orchestra... the next step. The orchestra would play along with my beats for 3 or 4 songs, behind them a scrim showing ambient video and digital images.

Then, on the finale, the peak track... the big finish. The scrim rises to reveal a full chorus behind the orchestra, and the three elements come together to create an awesome sound. The choir hits a high note as bright lights flash all over - all white. It is so bright you can't even see me anymore. The beat returns, and the track drives to the ending, powerful and pulsating. The crowd can't help but go crazy as they dance with their hands in the air. Then I put my hands in the air - as the final sequence rumbles... it is now nothing but strobes... the orchestra holding one note, the choir belting one last note as well... my beat is churning out to a close.... then a boom... a bang of fire and light, into complete darkness, all that is left is the "J," and me with a single spotlight with nothing but pure appreciation.

Then it is over. The show is over and I have done it. I have made it.

This is where I will begin. My life will begin at this point. Everything that happened before was just the lead in to this moment, where I am standing in front of a crowd of thousands, with the J behind me.

Where am I gonna be in 10 years? I'll be at the top, thank you.

Vibrations

Have you ever just... felt them?

Sometimes, it's not about the music. It's not about the melodies or harmonies, no... it's far more deep than that. It is something you may not notice at first. You listen, your ears hear what sound is made - but music - music is more than just listening. Music is all the senses. All 5 of your senses can explode from the music that is pumping through your ears.

Of course there's the sound. The sound is what is important. The sound makes us remember. It makes us sing along. It makes us dance. It makes us happy. That's just one sense, though. Just your ears benefit from the sound.

But what about your eyes? Your eyes can see the music. You see the people dancing around you... your lover... your friends. You can see the people moving to the beat. They are your family now. They are the people you have entrusted with your feelings for the night. This is why you see the music. You see me... up there behind the decks, my head in my headphones... one ear exposed so I can hear it all. I can hear you screaming my name. I can see you smiling at me. They effect my senses, too.

You can smell the music around you. A smoked filled room... the second hand smoke fills your nostrils as you dance, as you watch... as you hear it. You can smell the sweat, pouring from your lovers chest, off the forehead... You smell your lovers perfume, its sweet scent makes you tingle as you dance... dancing to the music I play for you. I can smell the vinyl. I can smell the needles burning and the speakers heating up. I can smell.... the dust singeing off the lights... I can see the lights flashing in my face as you can. The smell is something we look for. It is because of the music that we now smell so well. We may not identify it... we just know it is there. The music is there...

You can even taste it. As you draw closer to your lover, to your friends... you may share a kiss. The sweet nectar that is her lips you can taste. Her tongue... tastes of the cigarettes she smokes... of the gum she chews, and of the vodka she drinks. You can taste the air. You can taste the skin. The air is fresh but growing stale from the sweat. Evaporating into the air you taste it. You can smell it... as I can too. I taste my fingers, as I lick them before placing them on the next record. The record that holds my music. I can taste the vinyl from the last record on my fingers. I can taste my own sweat... sweat that has dripped on to the platter. I can taste the crowd. Each kiss I taste myself. I know I can taste them because I have created them. The music has created them. Without this music there would just be talking. Just talking and nothing gets done. No one gets down. No one sweats. No one's shirt is damp from the sweat. Without the music no one is just quiet, just listening to the music as they sweat and look at each other with daring eyes.

Beyond all this...

You can feel it. Oh yes... your senses are not complete without the ability to feel. The touch begins with the nerve endings in your fingers and they crawl up your spine. The nerve endings on your skin tingle as each beat pulsates more than the last. The vibration - chills you... while warming your internal temperature making you sweat. Even if you were deaf and blind you would know music is near... you feel it. You can feel every frequency I pour out to you. You can feel every wave of sound pounding on your ear drums that I play for you. The music is nothing without the ability to feel. Without that feeling you would only hear it. You wouldn't taste it and you would not smell it. You would not see it. It is the feeling that completes the circle. It is the feeling that rumbles through your body that gets you up off the stool. That turns you around to look at me, to look at the full dance floor in front of me, noticing for the first time that people have already discovered what you have just discovered. The music is alive within you. You feel as the drugs begin to take control over pieces of you. The alcohol and nicotine and caffeine... drugs that are almost given away... you let them take over. They push you so gently to the floor, yet almost like instinct you rush to the floor because of the music. The music that I play for you.

I feel it too. I can feel the bass from the sub woofers nearby. I can feel the trebles rocking my feet like a million ticklers all clamoring and fighting their way to my spine. I can feel the music, the vocals wailing over the speakers as they bounce. They bounce ever so slightly that you may not see them from your angle... but they shake. They bounce. They rattle. I can feel them, but you only feel their effects. They speak to you, they make you smile. From my vinyl that I touch to your ears... you can feel it.

Have you ever just... felt them?

Stopped for a second and stood with your eyes closed. Your ears closed... palms down and open allowing for every nerve in your body to be shaken by them. It is the music.

It is the music.

Bedtime Story

When I put on my headphones, the world around me disappears...

It starts with a touch of the first... getting to know her. I want to feel her beat rumbling through my spine. I know her so well already, every groove, every change, every beat. I know just when to bring in the next, the very exact moment because I've studied them so well. I've studied them all...

I listen to the second, its beat much like the first. The keys are in sync and together they are a rhythmic dream, ready to explode inside your ears and drive you to new heights.

So I cue it in, listening to the two of them together, over and over again... knowing that what you will hear is only the finished product... the climax... the ecstasy that is this next mix...

Over and over I hear the two together, like making love they go together so well. I know the second one two, like the back of my hand - I know how it builds, I know how it peaks... I know how easily she'll go in the mix. These two tracks were born to be together, without even knowing it. They were born on different parts of the earth, but now... now it is because of me they come together as one. I am the matchmaker. I am the cupid of music.

Then, when ready I start the track, slowly at first, I ease it in with a slip cue. My hands manhandle the record with authority, knowing that's the only way to get it right. But when I let it go, I make small moves, gently touching the record or working the pitch to get it locked just right. I keep track, headphones get pulled off... my eyes now focusing on both records, the crowd, the lights. I lunge forward... and the mix begins on cue.

I increase the volume, the bass low right now on track two because I don't want to put too much into it too fast. I let them ride out for 32, 64, 96... The second track coming to life as the other one comes to a close.

The crowd knows it. They know that these tracks go. They know how the second one already sounds. Some of them know the words. And as their hands go in the air so do mine, reaching the final pivot point when I switch the bass lines. A brief break... nothing but treble, then... the second. On beat, the second track pumps in full swing. Almost like an orgasm over... and over... and over again each beat stays locked in place. The bass from the new track rumbles the speakers and I dip track one. A bead of sweat drips from my forehead... I pull down track one, almost like the volume slider weighs a thousand pounds I pull slowly, adjusting the trebles and mids.

Another quick break... its time to finish... the bass come back and the new song is in, alone... the first track is gone.

And I start all over again.

Inconsideration

Today, I will not be talking about DJ stuff. I will not be talking about music. I won't be talking about my girl problems or my money problems... I will not be talking about J*Phoenix at all today. I'm leaving me out of this one.

The reason being, there's something else I need to talk about. I need to rant.

It's funny, because a little over a year ago, I talked about a subject like the one on tap for today in two posts: This one and this one. I talked about it because one of my close friends brought a problem to me with a male, and I wanted to voice my opinion on it. I suggest you read those first before this one. Because now here we are again, a new friend who is likewise very close to me, has a new problem with a new male and now I must voice my opinion again.

Allow me to make a disclaimer: I am not saying I am perfect. I am not saying I am all-knowing. I certainly also am not saying that I have not done wrong doings to women in my prior history. All I will be ranting about is this crappy situation a male has been creating for my close friend, and how I feel about it.

[/End Disclaimer]

It's a crying shame. It's always one guy, ain't it? Every girl has one. Some have two or three or ten... but there's ALWAYS one.

And like I've said in those other posts, it's the one stupid asshole that fucks it up for all of us nice guys out there.

I think its time for a little lesson in consideration for others. This can be generalized too - it's not just for ex girlfriends or current girlfriends or just friends, or complete strangers... no, being considerate should be reserved for everyone that interacts with anyone else on this earth. Let's define it, first:

con‧sid‧er‧ate [kuhn-sid-er-it] –adjective
1. showing kindly awareness or regard for another's feelings, circumstances, etc.: a very considerate critic. (citation)

Now THERE's a friggin' concept! What ever happened to a little of that?

That is all important, but the reason I'm talking about all of this is because of a friend of mine that has been hurt, several times, by a very INconsiderate male. Perhaps inconsiderate is not the only issues, perhaps he's immature, unexperienced, untrained... maybe its that he was crazy in love with this girl and there was a bad break up but whatever it was - his actions are completely unacceptable.

Let me make a statement: There is NEVER a reason to verbally attack someone over and over and over again, for your personal gain. It does not matter how much hate you have, how much bad blood between two people, there is no reason, ever... EVER to barade someone with such hurtful words that makes the person feel less of themself.

So I am a little pissed off.

What is wrong with these guys? Who the fuck do they think they are? What makes them think they can say such hurtful things to a women?

I've been set off once or twice, in my anger saying things I would later regret, or just feel bad for being so harsh... we've all done it. But to make a point to try and make someone feel like shit on a daily basis is grounds for an ass whooping. This time we're not talking about cheating or screwing up, this is someone purposely making remarks that he knows will have an effect on the girl.

It's not her fault... well... it's her fault if she lets him get to her - but no one likes to be badgered like that. Perhaps things can be solved with a restraining order - to get the point across - but that could just tie up some more issues.

What gives any man the right to make a girl feel like shit? Revenge? That's bullshit. If its revenge you want, then find it on your own accord and keep it to yourself. There's no room on this Earth for hurtful comments, barages of nasty emails and text messages, and saying things you know can hurt her.

There's not much to this message. I shouldn't have to go on all day about this. But this is just another example of how one guy can fuck it all up for the rest of us. Gentlemen: We're working on a reputation here... we have to stick together on this one! We have to start treating women better or they are gonna hate us all forever and then what would we do huh?

Here's a quick lesson: If she's your ex, leave her alone. End of story. You can try again, or go for the friends thing, but if it doesn't work out - let go. Don't hate her, don't sit there and play with her emotions and fuck with her head. Don't send stupid emails or texts or leave voicemails that are hurtful - this is the basics people!

I shouldn't even have to talk about this at all. But I guess some people just don't get it.

Guys: Stop it. Stop being so damn STUPID - stop being the asshole and stop treating women like shit. You have no idea how good you could have it if you just played it nice for once! I can't stand hearing these stories any more cause it makes me hate even myself for being apart of the male sex.

Girls: Don't let guys stupidity get you down. The thing you have to remember is that not all guys are like this. There are some out there that really do just want to please the women, and work together with them. There are men out there that know that once it's over, it's over, and they know how to move on and be considerate of the other person's feelings. But the ones that don't know, the men that don't want to... they can go to hell.

That's all. To the one that this is about... hang in there. Don't give up because of this jerk off wants to TRY to make your life miserable. As I said before - to him being one person that hates you, there's 100 people that love you, so don't let him get to you.

Let's start having some consideration for our women, gentlemen.

Have a day.


citation "considerate." Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.0.1). Based on the Random House Unabridged Dictionary, © Random House, Inc. 2006. 02 Oct. 2006. http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/considerate

Fool to Think

Sometimes, I can't say the words I need to say to get my point across. So, we'll let Dave Matthews do the talking...

Look at me dreaming of you
All I could hope is to have you
To have you walking with me
Laughing so in love, we two
Almost drunkenly

I did imbibe of this
Fantasy of you and me

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

I've grown tired of love
You are the trouble with me
I watch you walk right by
I smile, you do not notice me
Treat me recklessly
All you do is toss me pennies out
But the silence in me is screaming
Won't you come and get me?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

Was I a fool to think?
The way you looked at me
I swear you did
But you looked away too quick
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think
That you would take me home
As if I was yours
Was I a fool to think at all?

You make a mess of me here
I dance a thousand steps for you
If you say yes to me
I'll be whatever gets you through
You make a mess of me here (was I a fool?)
I dance a thousand steps for you (was I a fool?)
Was I a fool, was I a fool to think?
Am I a fool, am I a fool for you?

- Dave Matthews "Fool to Think"

Disclaimers

Someone said that my disclaimers amuse them. I kinda throw out disclaimers a lot because well, I want people to understand me, be absolutely clear what I mean when I say or do something.

So I have disclaimers. Sometimes I may also consider them my "Philosophies on certain aspects of life."

And I'm gonna list them all right now, by subject, in no particular order.

First impressions.
It's simple - I don't judge. Reason? I've done some seriously fucked up shit in my life. But, I've never killed, raped, or stolen. So I can't justify judging anyone because I've probably done it; with the exceptions of murder, rape, or theft... in which case, we won't be friends.

Money.
Money is never an issue for me. Money will come and go. Sure, some days I'm broke, but other days I'm flush... and it's those days that I feel I should share the wealth. If I got it, I'll give it. There's no sense in just me having fun, if I can have good fun, good food, or good company... I don't give a shit what it costs - cause there will always be more money.

Advice.
If you want advice, I'll give it. I will never say that I'm right, I will never say my advice is the only way to go. I give suggestions only. I am here for you to come to as a source, for free, for whatever kind of advice you want. I've heard tons of stories, I've taken mental notes, I've had lots of experience. So to say I know a lot... maybe, but maybe it's more that I'm a different set of eyes than your own, and that's exactly what you need.

Taking my advice.
So, first you want my advice, that's fine. While I say that I'm not always right and I'm the only way to go - if you ask for my advice, and you do the complete opposite of what I advise... don't ask for my advice again.

Food.
Stop it. Stop worrying for shit's sake! Enjoy it! Savour it! Eat a fuckin' steak, a cheeseburger, a hot dog! Why worry huh? Why only have two carrots and a grape all day and be uncomfortable, only for you to crack one day and go on a binge and kill yourself. EAT!! Enjoy your life through food, you only live once, taste everything you've never tasted before. You can be mindful of your weight, eat in moderation, but don't hide yourself from pleasures of decadence because of calories or carbs. Sit, grab a napkin, tuck it in your shirt, and dig in.

Being the nice guy
I'm gonna be nice. I'm going to care about you, your thoughts, your dreams. I'm going to give you things like my time, my money, my company, my ears, and maybe a gift or two. I do that because I want to, not because I feel I have to. I'm treating you the way I'd like to be treated in return.

Taking advantage.
I'll be a nice guy, sure. That is, until I feel that all the nice things I do for you aren't worth it. I don't ask for much in return.. but if I get nothing - well then it's no more Mr. Nice Guy. I'll even give you warnings that I feel you're not upholding your end of the deal. If it keeps up, then you're cut off... because why should I waste my time?

Time and honesty.
Speaking of... don't waste my time. Don't play games, don't fuck with me, don't mess around. I'm not talking about teasing or joking. I'm talking about honesty. I want you to be honest with me and straight forward with me. Girls, that means I have a thick skull and I don't want to play guessing games... or for guys and female friends, don't lie to me, don't hide from me, don't steal from me. The disclaimer is, if you do... you're not worth my time.

Laughter.
I have a sense of humor. Actually I have a pretty wacky sense of humor. I find humor in just about everything, I like to look at the lighter side of life. I'm gonna bust on you, I expect you to bust on me. It's a give, and get. I don't mind being teased, I'll even tease myself if it means getting a laugh or a smile out of someone... regardless - the point is to not take everything I say seriously. I will ask you to take something serious if I want you to... I will make it quite clear when I'm not making a joke and I want you to listen. Other than that, I'm pretty much light-hearted, and I expect to be treated as such. If only everyone could lighten up and have a good laugh every now and then... maybe we wouldn't have so many damn problems!

Sex.
Enjoy it. Have a lot of it. Have the good stuff that's slow and sensual, or grab hold of some hair and bite and scream. Either way, enjoy it. Try new things... don't be afraid to experiment with your partner - you may discover something so pleasurable you wonder what you were doing wrong up until that point. I'm gonna do everything you want me to, but I'm only going as far as what you feel comfortable with. I'm gonna test to see what you like, what you dislike... the stuff you dislike I'll never do again.

More about sex.
If you're single, it's OK to be promiscuous, but it's not OK to be stupid. Protect yourself. I don't care who you are I'm wearing a condom. If you've agreed to be exclusive, then that's what you will be. Technically, if you are exclusive with someone, that means there is no one else - that means you are no longer single. Just because there isn't anything 'official' or there's no titles or no pressure, doesn't mean you're not taken. So the disclaimer is: If that's the case - We won't be sleeping together - because I won't be "that guy." That being said - just because you're not technically single doesn't mean you're married... so I think it's perfectly fine to explore other options...

Being "That Guy" and other random disclaimers
I will not be. If I am flirting with it, I want you to tell me. But I will make a point to have a style that may not be in-style, but what I like. Who knows, other people may like my style too. I like to dress classic, and clean. My clothes my be wrinkled occasionally but that's because I could care less about taking care of my Target, Wal-Mart, or TJ Maxx clothes. I do not wear Abercrombie. I do not wear jeans that cost more than $30. I do not act like a baddass to get attention. I do not and will not go against my friends. I have a conscience and I have occasional regrets. I have feelings, and they can be hurt, some easier than others, by certain people easier than others. I sometimes need help opening the pickle jar, too - but I will boast that "I loosened it for you..." I hate spiders... don't think for a second I'm gonna be a big man and kill it for you. I'll throw a shoe at it.

The overall final disclaimer.
I'm gonna treat you like my best friend, my neighbor, if you treat me the same. The old golden rule, I guess. I don't feel like I am better than anyone else, I don't think that I am above anyone else in any way. I know I'm not the best looking, but I can sure cook. If you give me your love, time, and laughter, maybe an ear if I need it, maybe a hug if I need it - I will give you everything I got and more in return. Cause that's just me, J, every one's best friend.

So there you have it. Over time I normally spell these out to my friends, who may not understand me, or question my motives. But, I'm an acquired taste, as an old friend used to put it. So stick around....

The Funk

"Dude... if you ever need to talk, man.. just give me a call..."

"Hey... how are you doing today? Still want to kill yourself?"

"You've changed a bit..."

"Snap out of it."

"You'll get there, J, I believe in you..."

"I don't know what J I'm coming home to..."

"Hey, noticed you haven't been all too chipper... everything alright?"

"What's your problem?"

"Why don't you come out with us, you'll feel better."

"I'm sorry your life sucks right now..."

"I've been avoiding you like the plague! You're bringin me down!"

I Think the secrets out. Life ain't been no crystal stair the past couple weeks. The past month or so, actually. So, for all of you reading this, for all of you that made comments to me... most of which are listed above... Thank you. Even with the tough love, you care. I appreciate it. I wouldn't trade any of you for anything else. Turns out, I really do have friends. Some are closer than others, I guess.

So for all of you that read this, for all of you that care... things are getting better for me. J will be back to his normal self soon enough. Some people think I'm not the same unless I'm smoking, or drinking... possibly - haven't figured out if quitting has changed me for the worse or for the better yet. That'll get better, also. Sometimes, going through a low point will help me too appreciate the better high points a little more. Write that down.

The main purpose of this post is to announce another mix. This one is different. This one wasn't mixed live, this one was mixed on a computer. There's no beat matching or tricks... it's just 14 songs smashed together. There's no genres, it's random, it's now and then, it's all over the map. That's why I love it. It's basic. It'll make you feel. It speaks to you. That's why I love it.

I have picked a small collection of songs that you can't just listen to, you will FEEL. Some are new, fun songs that you jam to, some make you smile, some make you ponder, some make you horny. Fused together with poetry, movie clips, and famous moments in history... you'll get my mix: Subliminal Emotion.

This doesn't show off talents, this doesn't prove that I'm a great DJ... it's just great music for about an hour. I mixed it cause I don't think music should ever stop. I mixed it cause I wanted to create something... create something because that's what I love to do, create.

And by doing this I've commemorated an end of a low point in my life. Told ya, music is my inspiration. I figured out something... I like creating shit. I especially like producing and creating things people can see and enjoy. This mix, the latest visual update to my website, I loved doing them. I spent hours on them and saw them come together. I wasn't satisfied until they were just the way I wanted them. I did them myself. I loved it.

So my life has become just one step closer to being clear. I need to create. I need to produce. I want to look back and say, "that was mine... I did that."

Wow. It seems so fuckin' easy now...

Funny how yesterday it seemed impossible.

Wonder what tomorrow will bring then?

The mix will soon be uploaded to my website, as well as two other demos that I will add, a demo from the Sunday Hang, and a clip from a musical I was in. I have to get permission for though, first. So there we go.

Another step completed.

Turntables

How appropriate.

SO, Life is better... for now. J*Phoenix got paid... got some money in his pockets... life is better. There's still some gaps... but life is better.

I realized something. I can do this! I really really can do this. I can budget, I can have self-control, I can be happy during. I can splurge, but I need to focus on what is needed before what is wanted. Sure life can be tough and no, my problems aren't anywhere near over - but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

And I gave myself a jump start.

I needed something strong... something that was gonna give me an honest boost, something that can inspire people. (Remember that one?) I found a little inspiration from my two friends, Juan and Adrian - you know them better as K.I.D and CoolStylz. A month ago, they both went 30 days without alcohol. A pretty big task for two people at such a party-oriented age. We live for the next party. It's natural to us... the beer and the shots and the cocktails... we're used to it.

And we spend hundreds on it.

So they quit alcohol for 30 days straight. That was important. Every time they went out it was water, red bull, soda, or Shirley Temples... that's it. They didn't buy for anyone else, they didn't get drunk... they didn't have crazy nights that either they can't remember, or wanted to forget. They were sober. I was inspired.

I was supposed to give up things too. Mine were a little more "interesting" as the lovely Lunch Girl would put it... I had to quit purchasing drinks, not for myself... but for women. Not only that... I had to quit watching porn.

You're thinking... "Come onnnn J! Porn?"

Yes porn.

When you go as long as me without it and you have a sex drive as high-strung as me... you need assistance. Let's move on.

So I didn't give up either of those. And I kinda felt bad.

The past couple weeks have been pretty tough, and I had been toying around with this idea for a month or so now. I planned to get started when I came back from my awesome trip to Chicago. And, I did. I started September 11th.

I decided to give up alcohol for 90 days.

I will not drink a drop, and I won't purchase any, either. If it's a date, or a birthday, or a celebration of sorts... I will buy one or two for the honored person... other than that... nothing.

My birthday is December 11th. By this birthday, I want to be a better Justin. I want to improve like I've talked about for WAY too long. I've done nothing. I've been a broken record. So, in the great words of Egle, "I'll believe it when I see it."

A changed me requires more than just quitting alcohol for 90 days. That'll change my habits of spending at bars, it'll change my bank account a little... it'll change the fact that I'll be DD every time! But to change ME, to change Justin, J*Phoenix, J, and whatever else you call me... I need more. I need a jump start through my tunnel. I need something that will show everyone that doesn't believe me that I do have integrity, I do have a life, I do want to be better.

So I'm trying again. I quit smoking, too.

I've tried quitting like 7 or 8 times in my life. I'm pretty damn good at it now. This won't be a 90 day thing... this is indefinitely. Since most of you are rolling your eyes thinking that I won't make it - fuck off. When I make it, I'll smile and thank you for your support.

Seriously? My friends, almost all of them laughed in my face and said I won't do it. They said that I won't make 90 days without alcohol, they said I won't actually quit smoking.

I'm sorry I sound like a broken record. Maybe if one or two of you actually said "hey, proud of you Justin... keep it up!" I would actually do this.

Maybe if people held me at higher expectations.

Maybe if people wouldn't let me fold, because they're my friends and they should know what's best.

Maybe if people would encourage me to do things like this, instead of give up on me before I even start.

But maybe, just maybe if I just say "Fuck off" to all you non-supporters... I'll do this myself.

90 days people, not a drop of alcohol.

No more smoking. No one... NO ONE lets a cigarette near my mouth.

No one lets me fold.

I will do this.

I will do this.

I will do this.

The tables have turned again, folks. Time to begin my life.

From What I Know

Here's what I know...

I'm at the point in my life where I can go in any direction. Any.

I can go farther down, become further broke, become the victim of my debts, become the person I never saw myself as.

I can move. I can get the fuck out of dodge... leave everything. EVERYTHING and take no one, and nothing with me.

I can stay. I can stay in the same job I'm sitting in every day of my life Monday through Friday, never get promoted cause I don't want to be. Barely cover my bills and sit at home with no one.

I can work. I can look at myself in the mirror and hunker down into my foxhole and get to work. I can work hard every day and take the risk of never making it. Never really doing what I want to do. Just jumping around to things that are sort of like it, but pay the bills.

I can play. I can say fuck this and do whatever I want, spend every nickel, fuck over everyone and take off with out any trace.

I can love. I can fall for someone, she'd fall for me. I'd give her everything I had to give. I would cherish her as closely as I could... she could be my music of life. She could be the only thing I want in this world, wanted so much I get sick.

I can hate. I can write them off, cut them out. I could bring on the guilt, bring on the jealousy, bring on the pain. I could shoot dirty looks and loath their presence.

I can win. I can sit on top of a mountain that I create. I could bring the people that love me and that I love up to the top with me and we would over look the world and smile... becuase we still remember being down at the bottom.

I can lose. Someone else is better, someone else is better... someone else is always better than me. So I lose. I miss out. I'm over-looked and I crawl back into my shell and never let anyone else in.

* * * * *

The fucked up thing... I've already been in all those directions before.

Been there, done that.

So where do I go? Doesn't anyone else have these problems? Am I the only person on earth that can't get anything right, that can't get out of the way of himself, that can't get the right job, that can't get the right girls, that can't have the things he wants? Why can't I do the things others find easy? Why do I have absolutely nothing to show for the places I've been, the people I've met... what do I have to show? I have me. I have my few close friends.

As I said in my last post... it's been a rough past couple months. Going from the best of times to the worst of times and back again.

My problems are small. In comparison to other lives out there. I'm just broke, and I can't seem to find the place that I belong. I can't find a companion... a girl - not even a girlfriend or a fiancee or a wife just a fuckin' girl that I can care for... spoil rotten... hug and hold hands with and yeah - once in a while get a little nookie from too. Sure I come close... maybe have a weekend where I can have a taste of what I miss the most... but then there's timing... distance... there's other guys and there's options and there's walls I need to climb over... or it's I don't make enough, I don't say fuck enough, I'm too nice, I'm too low on the totem pole, or sorry - I'm just not attractive enough.

Where the fuck is the place for me then? I... I LOVE me. I LOVE who I've become. I don't want to be anyone else. I want to be me, that has a buddha belly, that has occational facial hair, that has a dirty car, dirty room, a bad smoking habit. I don't want anyone to be attracted to that... I want them to see past that. I want them to see beyond all that and look in to my eyes and see happiness, love, compassion, care... I want them to see that I am strong. I want them to see that I am going to go somewhere... one day. I want them to love me for the man I am now, and who I desperately want to be. And I desperately want to be me... just better. That's all. Not anyone else.

There is a place for me. I will find it. I can go in any direction to start my search.

Will I see you?

Welcome Back

Alternate titles for tonight's post: "Drive in Silence," "Feel the pressure," "Clouds," and my favorite, "I'll take a Venti iced Chi Town."

Take a deep breath. The plane you're on is about to land into reality and you can already feel the pressure of what you left behind closing in on you. Just three days before, you were jet set into the clouds and you planned to stay there as long as you could.

While you were gone, its amazing that nothing bad happened. No one came looking for you, no one called, no one even cared... you liked that sweet change of pace. Back home some people thought about you with happy thoughts, but they all knew you'd be back. You'll always be back.

Halfway through your trip though... you wondered... what if you didn't come back? Who would miss you? Who would come looking for you? You thought... why couldn't you just stay in the clouds forever?

Wake up. You're plane is landed. You're back home.

Welcome back.

* * * * *

The past two weeks in this DJ's life... it's been quite the ride. Would you expect any less out of me? I feel that I'd almost be letting you down if I didn't have something going on to keep you reading. I have learned that there are some new readers to my small or "intimate" list rather... welcome aboard. To catch up on how I haven't really gone anywhere since my first post... check out the archives, you have 72 other posts to read.

Everyday in the past couple weeks, I've gone from the highest of highs to the lowest of lows and back again... sometimes all in the same day. I'm happy to settle for... "mediocre." I've had people who loved me, start hating me on Friday, then love me again by Tuesday. I've had people who loved me at 2:00, start hating me at 2:20, and by 3:00 they loved me again. I have people who loved me that started hating me... and they still do. People that I was acquaintances with all of a sudden start caring about me, caring what I say and think... and they're effected by it. I had one girl be my girlfriend for 4 hours, another for 4 days... neither are my girlfriend now. I had girls open their hearts to me and guys coming to me with problems. Some had problems with me, and in time I have hugged them out and fixed them. I shared a few kisses with a girl for once... something I had been missing out on the past couple months.

All in two weeks... well... now it's more like 3 or 4 weeks.

But I guess it all started on a Sunday, after one of the greatest Sunday Hangs so far. Each segment planned and executed, conversation brewing, it was quick and witty. We had listeners... more than ever. We were talked about afterwards, during the week... we even received special thanks from someone that we plugged. I was on a high.

But we couldn't follow up with a show that attacked as well as that one did since then. Now three shows later I'm still waiting for the next big banger. That irked me a tad.

Then a Monday came, and I made a point to take the next day off... my two boys had gone 30 days without alcohol.

It was party time, a chance to celebrate, relax, enjoy life for even just a night. One problem: I had not a dollar to spend. But, my friends, with their big hearts and their bank accounts in better shape than my own... bought for the night. I got wasted. I was on a high.

To top that off, on a Wednesday morning at 12:38am I got a phone call... there was a free Dave Matthews Band ticket with my name on it, waiting for me. By the end of the concert Wednesday night, I felt as if I was sitting on a throne. I felt like I was finally there. My happiness was too good to be true.

Back to reality.

By Friday it all came back to me. No money... bills to pay... back to life. Back to square one.

I spent the weekend basically working. Taking a strong 12 hour shift DJing, helping with equipment... we were a team. I was busy trying to pick myself up off the ground and getting myself back on the horse.

Which brings me to my first point of this post. There's an old saying: if at first you don't succeed, try, try again. I realized there that sooner or later I'm gonna have to just buckle down, cut my losses if there are any and fix things. But I put it off.

Some times we fall off our horse. What we need to remember though, is that we will always fall of the horse every now and then. But if we are living our lives in any sort of correct fashion, we should get up, learn from our mistakes, and get back on the horse.

Copy and paste that one into your file entitled "Shit you should remember."

By the end of the weekend, I was back on the horse and riding with new confidence. The week dragged on slowly and I knew that maybe if I could just put off my problems one more week that I'd be able to work them all out. Maybe so... but many of my problems collect interest and they continue to call me.

But Friday morning came. A day off... a weekend off. And a trip into the clouds is what waited for me.

* * * * *

Reality tried to grab hold of me on Friday morning, I had put off my problems just one day too long. I had to take care of it that morning before I left... my head was spinning as I got to the airport.

But then that was it. I was off. I was up in the air and off to a special weekend.

Chicago. Egle. Happiness.

10:03 my plane touched down, and I met up with an old friend... a familiar face and smile, a familiar hug and kiss from a friend that is very dear to me. Jessica. I hadn't seen her in a long time, she came to the airport to pick Egle and I up, and to give us a brief tour of the place. She treated me to a Java Chip frap no whip from the airport Starbucks... she got herself a Chi Tea. We waited for Egle to arrive. Jessica picked her out of the crowd. Jessica couldn't stay out late. She had a trip to Ohio for a wedding, so after a game of pool and a beer, she took us to the hotel.

The weekend was great. My head was in the clouds. I was tired... I walked around Chi Town for two days... walking... trying to keep up with an Egle that was like a kid in a candy store. Tons of things to take pictures of, tons of things to see... I couldn't help but just smile and tag along. But all the while I couldn't help but think of some people back home... I wondered if they thought about me at all. I wondered... if I never came back and stayed in Chicago or ran off to New York or took off to Australia... if I'd be missed. I wondered if I'd have missed out on anything that has potential...

Wake up. Back to reality... the weekend is over and it was time for me to face the music.

When you have a three hour flight, sitting in between two large men with no arm rest courtesy... you begin to think. You may even reflect a little bit on the past 3 or 4 weeks, or the past 3 or 4 years and you think... holy shit.

You may think that you're back to square one, back to the beginning, back to the place where you started your journey to the place you want to be.

My next point: There is no square one. Because if you live your life in any sort of correct fasion, you get up, learn from your mistakes, and get back on your horse.

There's no reset button. There's no gimmies, there's no free rides and sooner or later, you'll have to bite the bullet and try again. There's friends and family to help you a long the way but the only person, the only one that can actually get up and ride is you...

...And that's what I have to remember.

But savor the weekends that your head is in the clouds. They may make things clearer when you come back down, touching down back in your home town, in the place where you started this journey to the place you want to be.

As I drove here to JBlue tonight I turned off the radio. I turned off the A/C. I opened the windows and smelled the fresh air and listened to the wind. It's clear now... I have to move on. I have to get back up on my horse and ride again, and while I may need my friends and family to help me, I have to do it all by myself. I have to attack my debts, I have to attack my weight, I have to attack... and succeed.

Welcome back to reality. Welcome back to the place where I started the journey to the place where I wanted to be. It's not square one... I've learned. It's time to ride.

Inspiration

It's a damn shame people aren't as inspired as they should be.

All my life, I've wanted to inspire someone, to light a fire under their ass and get them going. I've tried... in so many different ways. I've tried from the comforting advice to the tough love. Maybe I just don't have what it takes to be inspirational... maybe I don't have what it takes to get people to listen...

It's not like I feel I'm always right or I'm perfect... I'm not, in fact I'm far from it. Furthermore, sometimes I could use a little kick in the ass myself! For some reason, however, I still see many of my friends sitting, waiting, wishing... wishing for their lives to fall in their laps.

Not gonna happen people.

We need to be inspired to always do more, to reach that next level and never be satisfied. I say "we" because I include myself.

Such as today, I got some self-inspiration... downloading I'd say about 30 something songs all related to this week's Sunday Hang - which we are dedicating to songs that make you wanna make love... or just fuck... however you may like it. Music has always been my lead point of inspiration. Now I'm not saying that this week I'm going to get up and be on a mission to get laid... no, it goes deeper than that - time for a little self evaluation.

I downloaded a mix of ambient tunes, and that mixed with some tasty JBlue coffee some inspiration came my way. The coffee always gets my mind working. I talk a lot about change on this blog, and about making a better me... but I've never really done it. There's been a whole lot of "this time..." and "next time..." and so on, but never any "I have..."

That's a problem. That's sitting, waiting, wishing, just like anyone else. Then it hit me, how am I supposed to be inspirational to anyone if I haven't done it myself? Lance Armstrong, inspirational. Malcom X and Martin Luther King Jr., could move mountains. Bill Gates even, if his trillions don't inspire you then maybe him being a complete nerd and having a supermodel suck his dick will. All I'm saying, is if I want to inspire someone I actually have to DO something.

I'm nowhere right now. I've been in nowhere for quite some time... shit just read through the archives of this blog and you'll see all the sitting, waiting, wishing first hand. Am I complaining? No. I just need a little say what I do, and do what I say action.

I'm getting there.

Inspiration is hard to find these days... money, girls, fame... none of that stuff is inspiration anymore to me. Sure that'd all be a nice bonus, but what about happiness? Success?

Well I'm already happy...

I'm not just happy... I'm comfortable. There's problem #2.

Here's a shot in the dark... what about taking a couple risks? Not like jumping out of a plane or trying sushi for the first time... no. We're talking life-changing risks... we're talking stuff that could make or break you. We're talking jumping out of that plane by moving to an unkown location, or trying that sushi by finally asking that girl out.

Maybe we could make some waves in this world if we just winged it for a second. Improvise.

You think Columbus REALLY knew what the fuck was out there when he set sail?

Maybe some faith would help then too. Not believe in a God faith. Believe in eachother kind of faith. Faith that we can really do this... that its up to us and that we have faith in eachother that we'll all get the job done. It's up to us, you know...

This generation of ours is looked upon with such low expectations. We've become lazy, dependent, filling ourselves with thoughts of riches from reality TV. But wait a tick... so was every single other generation at my age.

We're just getting started. You have to give us a chance to work our way to the top. We'll get it eventually. We're all about the money and power now because of the media and the superstars. While many of them didn't have to work to get there... MOST of them did. They worked hard from age 4 when they could barely talk in full sentences... grooming themselves for success. It was their parents that pushed them, because they knew better by that point. Their parents knew that it would take some pushing to get to the place where they aren't.

But we all got lazy. We all gathered this notion that it'll just come to us... the inspiration... the success... the fame and glory. So here we are, just sitting, waiting, wishing.

And here I sit. JBlue another night... broke... overweight... alone. Looking for that inspiration to get up, get out, wake up early and go for a run, make that money, get that car, follow that dream of fame and glory. I've tried a thousand ways. None of them work.

The greatest stars of the past got their inspiration from other stars before them. Let's find the heroes again, not the Paris Hiltons or Ashlee Simpsons... the Lance Armstrongs and the Bill Gates. Even the Tupacs and the 50 Cents out there. People that worked their ass off starting with nothing or at a low point and made their fame and glory for themselves. Even the Michael Jacksons or Kelly Clarksons... while Mike may be a little off color he has his own zoo called Neverland... end of story.

Life changing risks. Go to college, even if you don't get a degree get an education. This generation is about doing what you love and love what you do. There are millions of us, all able to choose one thing and go for it. Find your inspiration.

No more sitting, waiting, wishing.

This isn't gonna be another post that contains the words "this time..." THIS TIME there is no this time. This time has passed me by. It has passed me by 1,000 times.

I say let's find that inspiration. If its a fancy car you want... find out what it'll take to get it. Put a picture of it on your wall. List some goals. No more of this "one day..."

TODAY.

My inspiration? Music. I'm the guy you haven't heard yet. I'm the guy inspired by the other guys already there. I'm the guy inspired by one of my closest friends that just landed a residency at a club that hasn't even been built yet. I'm the guy inspired by my would-be-girlfriend that finished college and immediately got a job that makes more money than me. I'm the guy inspired by every wedding that I've done... to better myself to one day have that as well. I'm the guy that looks through pages of DJ and music production hardware and software dreaming of the day I start actually using it. I'm the guy that listens to other's music and want what they have. I'm the guy that wants to be loved. I want to be inspired, too.

The website, the mixes, the photos, the radio show... it all means nothing. That's not inspiration... seeing my name in lights is inspiration. Inspiration is driving down the road of any given city and seeing a sticker with my name on someone's car. Inspiration is telling this story, and instead of sitting, waiting, wishing like I've done... actually going out there and breaking myself off.

This week I will go running. For the first time in about two years. I will get up early, strap on my shoes and get out the door. I will run until I can't run anymore. I hate running... but it's a first step in a collection of life changing risks and actions that I must take. This weekend I'm enrolling for two classes: Web design and Studio production. Then I'll grow from there. One day I'll make a girl fall in love with me. One day I'll write a song that makes it on the top 40. But today...

Today I find my inspiration.

An Afterthought

Opinions are like ass-holes. Everyone has one and they all stink.

That's something I should remember when trying to voice my opinion over the air I think... But then again... That's what opinions are for... They're for others to listen to and give their opinions back. We all have one on most subjects and we can either choose to voice them or to keep them quiet.

I choose to voice mine.

Last night was another juicy episode of the Sunday Drunx Show... Chilling was the amount of feedback I received from this very show alone. We have more and more listeners every week and we won't be stopping here.

Last night we brought up a touchy subject, which I will not bring up here, because I'm not going to voice my opinion on this blog... I already did last night. The subject received an interesting reaction, as I anticipated. I wanted a reaction. I wanted some people to be shaken by this subject. Not anyone in particular... Just "people" in general. That's exactly what happened.

Now afterwards, some people have taken what I say on the radio personally, and that's where this after thought comes in.

I will say a lot of things, and as a radio personality, I will not only voice my opinion, but I am open to hear other's opinion on my show because I believe in fairness. I voiced all the comments from listeners, I put on the callers, I let the other guests speak. Everyone got their chance. But everyone has an opinion... So we have to remember that it may differ from ours, but that doesn't make it any less important. But the biggest thing that I want to stress to all of the listeners of DancePhoenix: Do not take anything personally. My opinions are not directed towards any single person. I will generalize, I will change names, I will protect the innocent... But above all I do NOT speak for every opinion. There may in fact be something that could be lost in the conversation. There may be something that I missed....

If that happens - tell us. I want to know all the angles and I will put it on the air. I am here for all of you, the listeners... And I want you all sticking around.

With that being said... I liked what happened yesterday. While I'm sure there's a few people out there that hate me now, they still listened even after the show moved on. Personally - I don't care whether you like what I or my co-hosts say or not. If you don't like it, I'll say it again - tell us. We're open to hear you... Just like I was last night.

Last night was awesome. I do not have any regrets, nor will I look back. I will continue to drive forward and I will definitely continue to find things to talk about that will give a crowd reaction. I got chills last night when this subject went the direction it did... And I think this Radio Personality and DJ thing is it for me.

So, a couple things - first, if you missed the show, you'll be able to hear it Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday this week, replayed twice from 2pm PST to 8pm PST... er... Whenever its over... But take a listen to hear what you missed. Second, tune in next week for another show - no holes barred we will say it all uncensored, Sunday, 6pm PST to whenever we feel like stopping.

Have a day.

Please hold...

What a busy week! With my roommate's staggaring announcement on the Sunday Drunx Show last weekend, it put a big damper on our party lifestyle. Not to mention, I have a garage sale this weekend, two websites to work on, and a radio station to run - I almost completely forgot about the hits of the week! So around Wednesday... cause I had NOTHING in mind... I made an announcement for all of YOU to send me your favorites...

... I recieved a HUGE response, with some GREAT song suggestions out there. Some suggestions were songs I had already used in previous HOT Week's, which made me feel good because I was doing something right... but over 35 people responded to my request.

SO - with this overly large response I felt I needed some more time. The Hits of the Week Volume 7 will be released on Sunday, July 30th. If you want to hear if YOUR pick made it, you'll have to tune in to the Sunday Drunx Show at 6pm PST this weekend to hear them, I will post the list after the show. This is your list, people! This wasn't me thinking up crap at all this was all based on your suggestions... so don't forget to tune in on Sunday night for the results!!

H.O.T. Week, Vol. 6

Yo yo yo! Couple things first...

I am SO FUCKING STOKED for some things coming up. First, there's this Sunday... The Sunday Drunx show (or hangover show) is going to be all new and off the HOOK! I wanna welcome DJ Elastik to the studio for a hot guest mix, as well as the girls from Fat Tuesday, and some other special guests - a PACKED show so tune in!!!!! Second, Labor day, this year, just over a month away I'm headed (99% sure) to Chi town! That's right, JPhoenix will be kickin' it in Chicago for the weekend! The show that weekend will either be cancelled - or run by my asteemed sidekicks, CoolStylz and K.I.D the DJ... check back for that one.

Next, last week, if you listened to the show you may have heard that I made a change to the Hits of the Week. I removed Matisyahu and added Warren G/Nate Dogg - Regulate. That was supposed to be in the HOTWeek long before Matisyahu was added, and I forgot - so that was my mistake. But that was last week - here's this weeks Hits of the Week:

1. Suzanne Vega - Tom's Diner
2. Biz Markie - Just a Friend
3. Big Pun - I'm not a Player
4. Craig Mack - Flava in Ya Ear
5. Shaggy - It wasn't me
6. Lil' Kim - How Many Licks
7. Missy Elliot - I can't stand the Rain
8. Busta Rhymes Ft. Rick James - In the Ghetto
9. Snoop Dogg Ft. J Timberlake - Signs
10. Paul Oakenfold - Starry Eyed Surprise

Thanks to K.I.D for the Busta addition, and my boss at my day job for singing "just a friend" yesterday, which I heard and just HAD to put it on the list!

Don't forget my people, DancePhoenix on Live365.com - this Sunday will be another awesome episode of the Drunx Show at 6pm PST so don't miss it!!

Holla!

H.O.T. Week, Vol. 5

Watch out, I'm a little hungover and so loud noises may bother me.

I went out last night, despite my better judgement, to the Sandbar in Scottsdale. DJ Adrian, or Coolstylz, or C-Stylz, or whatever he is this week is now a resident there so K.I.D and I went to go hang. The place was empty. About 12:30 it was basically the three of us inside with the bartenders, and about two handfuls of dudes outside. So, I decided since I wasn't driving to just keep the beers coming. There's my bad judgement...

So since I have a headache and I'm waiting for my excedrin extra strength to kick in, let's do the Hits of the Week, Volume 5:

1. Pilot - It's Magic (Oh, Oh)
2. The Romantics - Talking in Your Sleep
3. Arrested Development - Tennessee
4. Will Smith - Summertime
5. Blackstreet Ft. Dr. Dre - No Diggity
6. Genuine - Ride My Pony
7. Faith Evans - Love Like This
8. Gnarls Barkley - Crazy
9. Matisyahu - King without a Crown
10. Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance

Thanks for the input durning the week, some great tracks here. My favorite has to be that Gnarls Barkley song - K.I.D reminded me of it last night and I gotta say, it's pretty catchy. I'm waiting for a remix that we could lay down at the clubs. As always, you can here these tracks this coming Sunday night - only on DancePhoenix - on the Sunday Drunx Show. We'll be broadcasting in the new home studio in Scottsdale, right in the heart of all the Phoenix nightlife! So tune in 6pm PST for the Sunday Drunx Show!

That's it for me, until next time...

Lata.

H.O.T. Week, Vol. 4

OK, so I am well aware that the HOTW's last Friday were weak, so today I promise to redeem myself. That's right music fans - it's Friday again, time for the Hits Of The Week. This one is a good one, arguebly one of my favorites so far. Can you believe we're already into our second month of this?

Before I make the announcement of the top ten in no particular order, I wanted to say thanks to the loyal DancePhoenix listeners out there... there's not many of you, but you keep the music rolling and now with the addition of 3 DJs Productions - our playlists will only get better and better.

July 4th DancePhoenix broadcasted a special show at the home studio, we had a barbecue - complete with 3 DJs Productions in the mix. I started things off with a little deep house, then we moved in with K.I.D the DJ mixing up your favorite old school tracks. Coolstylz busted in halfway through the night and he and I traded places everytime he got to house. Overall, one of our best shows so far. If you missed it - keep an ear out for more 3 DJs Productions so you won't next time.

OK, don't forget these songs will be played along with the reasoning behind my choices only on the Sunday Drunx Show, this and EVERY Sunday, on DancePhoenix on Live365.com.

The Hits of the Week, Volume 4
in no particular order...

1. How's Your Whole Family - Red Peters
2. Cantaloop - US3
3. Groove is in the Heart - Dee Lite
4. Keep on Movin' - Soul II Soul
5. Ribbons in the Sky - Stevie Wonder
6. Here Comes the Hot Stepper - Kamoze Ini
7. Informer - Snow
8. What's your Fantasy - Ludacris
9. I'll be Good - Foxxy Brown Ft. Jay-Z
10. Love on my Mind - Freemasons Ft. Amanda

I wanted to add one more, in honor of Paul Oakenfold coming to town tonight, but i'll wait until next week I think. I could probably replace #1 with that, since that's just a silly song I threw in there, but - ah, who cares...

So there ya go, another week down and with this weekend we're officially halfway through the year! Tune in this weekend for the Sunday Drunx Show with me, K.I.D and Coolstylz in the studio.

Holla!

H.O.T. Week, Vol. 3

Oh yes, here we are - another week down and another Friday among us. Welcome to this special Holiday weekend!! Without delay, I shall now announce the newest Hits of the Week.

in no particular order

1. Saturday in the park - Chicago
2. Reasons - Earth, Wind and Fire
3. Taking it to the Street - Doobie Brothers
4. Area Codes - Ludacris ft. Nate Dogg
5. Step in the Name of Love - R. Kelly
6. Love Rollercoaster - Red Hot Chilli Peppers
7. Mony Mony - Billy Idol
8. Main Vein - Jamiroquai
9. What Else is There - Royksopp
10. Around the World - Daft Punk

What a crazy mix! I know all of you are thinking... "come on... Love Rollercoaster? What's the matter with you?" Among other things I'm sure. Well - If you want to know why I picked these particular songs, you'll have to listen in Sunday afternoon for another episode of the Sunday Drunx Show - coming to you live from the ALL NEW home studio of DancePhoenix!

Until then, have a good Saturday!