The Last Blog
I'm trying to think of a good place to start. Let's start in the obvious place: Serena. I'm tempted not to say anything at all, because of what has happened between us. However, I guess I owe to her and others to explain one last time my actions - even though I don't think I need to.
Serena once told me that she has one best friend, and I'm it. She said that she only has one best friend and there's room for only one in the world. I said that she was mine as well. But mine was different, I could have more than one best friend, cause if a girl is my best friend... Then who's my girlfriend? A Stranger? My Wife?
I don't have either of those, so I don't really know - but I did know that if Serena was one of my best friends, but that I wasn't in love with her, there had to be room for more.
Serena was jealous. Very jealous. She wanted madly to be my one and only best friend and she tried so hard and put in so MUCH effort to gain my friendship. Effort that was wasted because it only had negative effects on me. I guess I should appreciate her, for what she's done for me - in all honesty she has pretty much gone broke to help me out. But why? Why did she do all that? Why did she provide so many things just so I would be her friend? Alternative motives? Probably not, she of all people should no that I had no intention of getting back together with her. She said she just liked getting me stuff, things that I don't ask for but yet she offers, without hesitation. I guess that's what's different between us, I think I'm a little bit stingier with what I can give away. But now that I think about it, there were countless times I was there for her, too... and countless times I said thank you for them, and oh, I continued to have sex with her as a little bit of a thank you as well... Yes it was mutual enjoyment, but how many times have I said - yo! No more sex! But every time I come running back!
So why do I feel guilty for the things she gets me? I feel guilty because with every dollar that she spends on me, is another pound hanging over my head to one day come crumbling down upon me. I don't want that. I don't want to feel guilty. I want a mutual friendship that won't guilt me into going out when I have no money, that won't make me think that it's OK for them to spend all their money because it makes me happy. Bullshit. Save that shit for my birthday or something and let's stay home tonight. It's only Tuesday and I drop $20 on beers and food and that shit adds up. I'm broke - I'm not going anywhere. You know what I'm saying? So then I end up going out, and yes I have a great time - and of course I'm appreciative of her paying for stuff but the guilt that I feel after or even during - I end up paying for it more.
And it doesn't help that every friggin' time I have a little problem with her she dangles "all she's done for me" over my head like a piano from the 10th floor. That's just throwing salt in an open wound. I don't need that shit in my life and I won't have it.
Never once have I had drama in a friendship before Serena. Even after - with Michele and Mariah and the guys coming along, I had and have no drama with them. I hate drama, I don't need it - considering all the drama that I have in my life already, there's no need to have drama... WITH MY BEST FRIEND! If I'm gonna have drama, I end the drama - that's it. Serena caused drama in my already Shakespearian life so I ended it, I ended us. Again.
She'll do shit to set this mood off - I can't really say any of it is her fault. I mean all she did was write something private in her blog and I snapped at her. OK so I was a little upset. Turns out that it wasn't very important, the person it was written about wasn't mad at all.
But some of the things she does to defend herself were - I don't know - honest? People say that you are honest the most when you are angry, that when screaming you are honest because you don't stop to think of the words you say, and you just say them. Your adrenalin pumps so much that it basically pushes out thoughts from the subconscious and out they go, no matter how harsh they may be. "I don't know why I'm friends with you..." came out in one of her emails. Now, that's not very harsh - it's actually quite true when you think about it. Why are we even friends? We don't have THAT much in common except for our music tastes, and we consistently annoy the shit out of each other. So other than the guilt trips and going out blowing all my cash all the time things were pretty good I guess... that's sarcasm if you didn't catch it. Why were we even friends? We always fought, she was always jealous, and she consistently got pissed when I didn't come out with her - making me feel yet again, guilty. No matter what I did I felt guilty. So, basically, for all the good things she did do for me, there was an equal and opposite guilty or negative feeling or action to go with it. So was it worth it? Fuck no and I'm out!
We've given eachother so many chances and gone back so many times that now it's almost useless to try again. It's inevidible that this kind of thing will happen again and I'm just so drained that even the slightest thing could set me off. I'm not cool with that.
Instead I told her it was over. It was just out of control and her issues were only making things worse. She's not the only one though. I'm tired of bouncing back and forth between friends... burning my bridges and then desperately holding on to the other side to get them back. I'm tired of being the drama king of the group and focussing on everybody else's problems. For a final change, I'm going to go to work on me. It's me time.
I'm starting with Serena, only because she was closest to me here in AZ, we spent much of our free time together and so naturally it means she's going to be the hardest to fall.
Jessica is next. Jessica won't be to hard, she's leaving tomorrow to go back to Chicago and reset her life... and put it back in order. She may actually be doing much of the same things I'm doing - working on Jessica time. Jessica and I will always be best of friends no matter how little we talk, so I'm not worried about that. When she has news - she'll fill me in.
Then there's my brother. My brother Brian recently kicked me out of the house. I lied to him, and so therefore he got pissed and threw me out. After about a month of thinking about that one, I've come to the conclusion I'm better off. No offense to my brother, but I don't really miss him right now. Living with him for a while was enough to get my fill of Brian, I think I'm good for a while. It'll be back to small doses from now on. At least for a little bit, as I continue to work on me time.
Then there's my other friends. I have a couple friends, mostly the SKM crew of DJ's and MC's that all hang together, plus a couple others. I'll be seeing them again one day - I mean I have to work with them so it's not like I'm avoiding them. But it's me time now, I'm gonna lay low and take care of this situation I'm in.
So that's it. It's over, the blog, the website, all of it will be gone by Oct. 31st, next week. Not disappearing forever, just for a little while, as I put things in order. I will be successful, I have no alternative this time. It has to be the best I can do or I won't make it.
The future? Well when I come back expect to see some big changes. A new name, first, because although I LIKE DJJ, I don't love it - and I want to love it. So I'm thinking of a few names that says "Justin Chapin, the bad-ass, high classed, superstar, singer DJ" in a couple choice words or less. The blog will change, no more of this personal thoughts and bashing people on the internet crap. My web page will change as well, with more stuff like new photos, a bio, demos, and some sample songs that i'll be writing. It'll also be a portal for my once and for all finalized dance music/DJ forum.
I've said it before, it's time to change, and that's just what I'll be doing. I'll be going underground for a while, but I'll be back.. one day.
To all my friends, old and new, thank you.
This is the end of my little blog, take care.
Justin Chapin - DJJ
