The Last Blog

I'm trying to think of a good place to start. Let's start in the obvious place: Serena. I'm tempted not to say anything at all, because of what has happened between us. However, I guess I owe to her and others to explain one last time my actions - even though I don't think I need to.

Serena once told me that she has one best friend, and I'm it. She said that she only has one best friend and there's room for only one in the world. I said that she was mine as well. But mine was different, I could have more than one best friend, cause if a girl is my best friend... Then who's my girlfriend? A Stranger? My Wife?

I don't have either of those, so I don't really know - but I did know that if Serena was one of my best friends, but that I wasn't in love with her, there had to be room for more.

Serena was jealous. Very jealous. She wanted madly to be my one and only best friend and she tried so hard and put in so MUCH effort to gain my friendship. Effort that was wasted because it only had negative effects on me. I guess I should appreciate her, for what she's done for me - in all honesty she has pretty much gone broke to help me out. But why? Why did she do all that? Why did she provide so many things just so I would be her friend? Alternative motives? Probably not, she of all people should no that I had no intention of getting back together with her. She said she just liked getting me stuff, things that I don't ask for but yet she offers, without hesitation. I guess that's what's different between us, I think I'm a little bit stingier with what I can give away. But now that I think about it, there were countless times I was there for her, too... and countless times I said thank you for them, and oh, I continued to have sex with her as a little bit of a thank you as well... Yes it was mutual enjoyment, but how many times have I said - yo! No more sex! But every time I come running back!

So why do I feel guilty for the things she gets me? I feel guilty because with every dollar that she spends on me, is another pound hanging over my head to one day come crumbling down upon me. I don't want that. I don't want to feel guilty. I want a mutual friendship that won't guilt me into going out when I have no money, that won't make me think that it's OK for them to spend all their money because it makes me happy. Bullshit. Save that shit for my birthday or something and let's stay home tonight. It's only Tuesday and I drop $20 on beers and food and that shit adds up. I'm broke - I'm not going anywhere. You know what I'm saying? So then I end up going out, and yes I have a great time - and of course I'm appreciative of her paying for stuff but the guilt that I feel after or even during - I end up paying for it more.

And it doesn't help that every friggin' time I have a little problem with her she dangles "all she's done for me" over my head like a piano from the 10th floor. That's just throwing salt in an open wound. I don't need that shit in my life and I won't have it.

Never once have I had drama in a friendship before Serena. Even after - with Michele and Mariah and the guys coming along, I had and have no drama with them. I hate drama, I don't need it - considering all the drama that I have in my life already, there's no need to have drama... WITH MY BEST FRIEND! If I'm gonna have drama, I end the drama - that's it. Serena caused drama in my already Shakespearian life so I ended it, I ended us. Again.

She'll do shit to set this mood off - I can't really say any of it is her fault. I mean all she did was write something private in her blog and I snapped at her. OK so I was a little upset. Turns out that it wasn't very important, the person it was written about wasn't mad at all.

But some of the things she does to defend herself were - I don't know - honest? People say that you are honest the most when you are angry, that when screaming you are honest because you don't stop to think of the words you say, and you just say them. Your adrenalin pumps so much that it basically pushes out thoughts from the subconscious and out they go, no matter how harsh they may be. "I don't know why I'm friends with you..." came out in one of her emails. Now, that's not very harsh - it's actually quite true when you think about it. Why are we even friends? We don't have THAT much in common except for our music tastes, and we consistently annoy the shit out of each other. So other than the guilt trips and going out blowing all my cash all the time things were pretty good I guess... that's sarcasm if you didn't catch it. Why were we even friends? We always fought, she was always jealous, and she consistently got pissed when I didn't come out with her - making me feel yet again, guilty. No matter what I did I felt guilty. So, basically, for all the good things she did do for me, there was an equal and opposite guilty or negative feeling or action to go with it. So was it worth it? Fuck no and I'm out!

We've given eachother so many chances and gone back so many times that now it's almost useless to try again. It's inevidible that this kind of thing will happen again and I'm just so drained that even the slightest thing could set me off. I'm not cool with that.

Instead I told her it was over. It was just out of control and her issues were only making things worse. She's not the only one though. I'm tired of bouncing back and forth between friends... burning my bridges and then desperately holding on to the other side to get them back. I'm tired of being the drama king of the group and focussing on everybody else's problems. For a final change, I'm going to go to work on me. It's me time.

I'm starting with Serena, only because she was closest to me here in AZ, we spent much of our free time together and so naturally it means she's going to be the hardest to fall.

Jessica is next. Jessica won't be to hard, she's leaving tomorrow to go back to Chicago and reset her life... and put it back in order. She may actually be doing much of the same things I'm doing - working on Jessica time. Jessica and I will always be best of friends no matter how little we talk, so I'm not worried about that. When she has news - she'll fill me in.

Then there's my brother. My brother Brian recently kicked me out of the house. I lied to him, and so therefore he got pissed and threw me out. After about a month of thinking about that one, I've come to the conclusion I'm better off. No offense to my brother, but I don't really miss him right now. Living with him for a while was enough to get my fill of Brian, I think I'm good for a while. It'll be back to small doses from now on. At least for a little bit, as I continue to work on me time.

Then there's my other friends. I have a couple friends, mostly the SKM crew of DJ's and MC's that all hang together, plus a couple others. I'll be seeing them again one day - I mean I have to work with them so it's not like I'm avoiding them. But it's me time now, I'm gonna lay low and take care of this situation I'm in.

So that's it. It's over, the blog, the website, all of it will be gone by Oct. 31st, next week. Not disappearing forever, just for a little while, as I put things in order. I will be successful, I have no alternative this time. It has to be the best I can do or I won't make it.

The future? Well when I come back expect to see some big changes. A new name, first, because although I LIKE DJJ, I don't love it - and I want to love it. So I'm thinking of a few names that says "Justin Chapin, the bad-ass, high classed, superstar, singer DJ" in a couple choice words or less. The blog will change, no more of this personal thoughts and bashing people on the internet crap. My web page will change as well, with more stuff like new photos, a bio, demos, and some sample songs that i'll be writing. It'll also be a portal for my once and for all finalized dance music/DJ forum.

I've said it before, it's time to change, and that's just what I'll be doing. I'll be going underground for a while, but I'll be back.. one day.

To all my friends, old and new, thank you.

This is the end of my little blog, take care.


Justin Chapin - DJJ

Quick update

I just wanted everyone to know a couple things going on...

I currently have some big things happening in my life - a lot of them are bad, and I will be talking about them soon, when I have more energy (I'm not dying or anything so relax). For right now I just wanted to let everyone know:

My internet radio station, DancePhoenix, is going off the air as of October 30, 2005. We could not raise any revenue from the station therefore it must be closed. Maybe someday in the future we will bring it back.

My website should be completed soon, I have been side-tracked with things going on lately, stay tuned to the web for more updates on that.

My other website (IDKADT.com) is back to the drawing board as you may have heard. We are beginning planning of this new site and what will be the greatest community project on the web.

My first demo, DJJ in the Basslines, will soon be posted back to the web with the completetion of the website. I will be annoucing my newest demo very shortly so stay tuned for that.

Lost is the greatest TV show ever and I wish I could come up with some really cool web hoax that would make people think that I have answers to it and they can waste all their time searching the web as I have.

Jessica finally called me. She told me she ignored me because she just didn't really feel like talking to anyone. I guess that's fine, at least she called me!

Serena got pissed last night when I was talking to the very lovely bartender at the Scortch Bar. I asked the girls name - her name was Jessica. I told her that's a very nice name. Serena got pissed. Sick jealousy. I just simply like that name, it has nothing to do with my best friend. More on that when I have the energy.

My brother got pissed at me and kicked me out of the house. So now I'm mooching off of Serena which I don't like. I'm sleeping on her couch bed. I'll talk more about that when I have the energy.

I'm still broke. But I got a nice haircut. Very cool. :)

Talk to you all later, that's the news, to me.

Deep Cuts

This week's alternate titles: "Phlem blows," "I always knew," "Lost and Found," "Broken Joke," and my personal favorite, "Do you REALLY wanna hear my opinion?"

Show me you love me by leaving me a comment. Even if it means lying to me.

WELL,
So I'm back again with another post that will take you about 2,809,801,273,698,123,476,124,783,698 hours to read. But don't fret, I broke it up into chapters yet again so you can give yourself a little mental bookmark and come back. I have some new stuff going on, some new people to talk about, and well - some old stuff I have to tie up before I'm done with that.

First off, let me just say that right now, I am really fuckin' tired. So while I'm thinking about it, I want to apologize that if any of this sounds like it was written by a 4 year old, well, that's about how old my brain feels...

"Everybody have fun tonight" or "You saved my life"

So last Wednesday I went out. Stupid move to go out on the weekday I know, but I was being payed for, twist my arm more right?? I went with Serena to Margarita Rocks - a beach club in downtown Tempe, AZ. Cool place, a bunch of bikini-clad cockail waitresses complete with whipped cream. Good Scene. The DJ sucks though, but I don't think it's so much that he actually sucks, I think it's more to the effect that he doesn't give a shit because they make him play crap music. A residency is a residency tho, I guess. So I guess I'd be happy just to have one at all.

So Michele and Juan were supposed to show up there about 11. Well, after a while we got a little worried, cause it was about 12:15 and... no Michele! She was at another club where some DJ was playing out and she was gonna stay until he was done. Well, he didn't stop until like 1:30. So all the while there we were sitting there waiting for her to show up, and nothing! But that's not what pissed me off. What got me angry is that she kept texting me saying that oh yeah I'll be there I'll be there. Dude we waited until close at 2am. I wasn't very happy.

So then I was mad at Michele. Well, yesterday she texts me with this urgent text: "Dude you have to help me I will do anything for you ANYTHING, yada yada yada..." She wanted me to cover for her this coming Saturday at her event. Dude, WTF?! You ditch me on Wednesday and now all of a sudden I'm your only hope? You're barkng up the wrong tree, buddy. So, with me starting this new honesty up front thing, I told her exactly how I felt. And you know what? It worked! Folks I'm gonna quote myself: "The truth sucks, so you might as well get it over with."

She apologized. Basically what I told her is that I felt like she didn't exactly value my friendship, she did only when it was convenient for her and I wasn't cool with that. She turned around right away and offered to take me out to dinner.

So I went out last night, despite my better judgement. But I had a good time, we went to sing Karaoke (of course) at a new place I'd never been, Giligan's. To be honest it kinda sucked. No one sang except for me so it was like the J show and so that bummed me out a little. On the flip side, however, I did get a chance to show off to some new people that had never heard me sing before. That was, including some young ladies :) but I coulda been Justin Timberlake up there and they were still all over my buddy Juan. That dude's a pimp. He's got chicks givin him lap dances, two at the same time and I'm sitting there open lap like a loser. It seemed to me a couple times that Serena wanted to jump on my lap, but I'm glad she didn't - last night was just about the first night when we were just... buds. Nothing flying back and forth, no sexual inuendos... nothing, just friends. It was a nice change of pace.

As for Michele, she gave me some big hugs at the end of the night. We're cool now, and I'm covering for her on Saturday.

But I wanna talk about Michele a little bit. Nothing bad, I just wanted to say a little something. Last Wednesday before she didn't show up someone asked me what she looked like, and what she was like. I paused for a moment, because there's no words that can describe this completely unique, gorgeous, crazy, multi-talented, DJ, artist, welder, dancer, photographer, stripper girl. There's nothing... I just told him - when she's here, you'll just know it. I mean it's like that. She has a social presence, like one should have on stage she has in public. She walks in, and people immediately notice. She doesn't play the whole "look at me! look at me!" card either... it just comes naturally for her, people just love her from the first second they talk to her and they all just want to be her friends. It's rediculous! I guess in a way I was sucked in a little, too. She's infectious, like a disease that you just can't shake - but in some way you don't want to get rid of it either. I could only imagine what she'd be like in bed, probably something like kama-sutra-meets-Phoenix-Zoo-type sex. But, now she's got a new guy that she feels very strongly for.. and you know what? That's cool. I'm OK with that, because in all honesty I would LOVE to get with her, but - I think it's best that we didn't. Unless she's completely cool with meaningless-ass-spanking-doggystyle-maniac-maaaaaaaaaniac-sex, well then I'm in!

"I've Got Two Tickets to Paradise" or "I'll buy my own Birthday Present, Thank you."

Speaking of meaningless sex, I'm not having any with Serena anymore! I'm trying, I really am, to not end up in horny situations where I get the tempation to sleep with Serena again. She has to be in it, too, and I think she is.. this time we're making a pretty consious effort to NOT have sex. Can you believe that? I had a perfectly fine fuck buddy and I don't want to do it anymore? Dude am I a man at all? Yes, I think I'm a good man - and that's a pretty stand up thing to do. I mean considering I've been practically using her for a year, I think it's time I come to my senses.

I was thinking all of this until I read her latest blog entry - which is basically an entry dedicated to how good I am in bed. OK, here's the long of the short of it...

I know she likes me in bed. She thinks I'm the best she's ever had - here's the problem -
1) No woman will ever sleep with me as long as I'm sleeping with Serena.
2) I will never go look for another woman while I'm sleeping with Serena, because I can just go do her - why look?
3) If I don't stop sleeping with her, she's never gonna really "get over" me, however you would like to put it - and SHE will never find another man.
4) I don't think it's fair to either of us to continue using each other.

Sure, I like having sex with her. She's great, I always said it takes two people to have great sex. And there will be times when I do want to have sex with her - She knows all of my buttons, so it's easy for her to turn me on. But I want to try, try not to do this anymore - it has, and will continue to get in the way of our friendship. But here's her side:

1) She doesn't want to have sex with me based on the way she feels *anymore* but she really is just horny and wants to simply fuck my brains out.
2) No man is good enough for her in the sack but me
3) Can't we just do it... one...last...time??!! As she approaches with hand poised for my manhood...

Look, she's said it - she doesn't know why I continue to have sex with her because I'm just using the way she feels about me against her to get my rocks off. Well - that's not cool! A fuck buddy by definition is:

Fuck Buddy ('fuk bud'ee) n. - a man or woman that has sexual relations with another person with no emotional or spiritual attachment. Friends with benefits.

So as you can see - this isn't a fuck buddy situation here, it's a Justin has a fuck buddy but Serena has a guy she still loves using her situation.

I had a fuck buddy once. Her name was Jackie. Now she was a fuck buddy. Literally she would call me up at 1130-130 at night, invite herself over, do me, and leave - and then she wouldn't talk to me for weeks! She had the same feeling about me in bed that Serena had - as Jackie put it - "I need some more of your wonderful sex!" That whole thing kinda ended a little while before I met Serena, I think my last time with her was when she and Bill were still dating.

So anyway, I don't know, I'm trying but maybe she doesn't exactly want to try as much - we will have to see.

She is going to be getting me a birthday present. She came to me last week and was like "I'm buying you a really big birthday/Christmas present." And my mind goes, hmmm... Tiesto tickets? But I played along for a while. I knew she was gonna do that, it's hard to hide when she's got the poster in her apartment up there, she's been talking about it for weeks and so I'm supposed to be surprised? Come on now, dude. So I was very split in my reaction to this. The devil side of me says "YEAH! Vegas! VIP to Tiesto! Orgies everywhere and I'll fuck the shit out of Serena!! WOO HOO!!"

But the angel side of me says, whoa, J...hold up a little bit. Do you really want to accept a gift of this magnatude? Ok it's kinda payback for LA, plus birthday/Christmas, but does that justify at all? I mean these are expensive tickets, plus a hotel room, plus the hold'em tables (oh, you know it!) Is it really worth going up there and fucking our friendship up some more by potentially fighting, maybe having more sex, more feelings crossed... blah blah blah... I was worried.

I decided to take a little of the both sides. Party it up, but be a good boy. That's what I'm going for. No sex, with Serena at least, but still have a good time at the concert and stuff. And I mean why not? It's fuckin' free baby yeah!!

It's all messy - I don't know what to do there.

And who am I gonna talk to about it? Jessica? Jessica has been kind of ignoring me lately. There's gotta be something up and she's not telling me - she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hear it from me I think.

What doesn't she want to hear that she hasn't already heard from somebody else (i.e. her mother)? I mean, I've told her how I've felt about this whole Jonathan subject, but there's two sides. In my opinion, yes, she's dumb if she goes back to him. No amount of counseling could win me over, he's a liar and a cheater, once and always.

BUT!! I do love Jessica, with all my heart and as much as I may think she's making bad decisions, well shit we've all made tons of bad decisions... I will still love her the same and hope for her happiness everyday. That's all I really can do, she's a big girl, older than me, more experience... who am I to be her voice of reason? She's the one who makes the Jessica decisions and there's not much I can do about it.

BUT!! I want to know what she's thinking, feeling... I've been temped to just email her and ask her whats up - but I've already called her twice and text her a couple times, since I haven't gotten much of a response I've been just leaving her alone. That doesn't mean our friendship is over, no, I know how she feels - so this is why I'm comfortable with not pushing this on her a lot. She'll talk to me when she's ready.

BUT!! I do want to spend some time with her before she goes back to Chicago, she will be going home soon I'm sure, I haven't gotten an "official date" but she said early October... which is now...

She did ask me about my college search recently. I have to be honest, it's not great. I found some great colleges and even started a couple applications, but I'm still so discouraged about the whole thing. My grades SUCK, even from high school. My credit sucks as well so how will I even be able to get student loans? I'm gonna try, I mean - I have to - college is very important and I'm sure I can find a way, but where do I do? Who do I talk to? Jessica can guide me as far as the early process, but there's so so much to do. I could just as easily work the local club circuit here as a DJ and wish my way to the top... Blegh...

"Tiki and Toto" or "Let's party like its 1999"

Speaking of DJing, I've had a few more MC events, with one this coming Friday as well. MCing is nice, it's tougher, but in a way I feel more comfortable now doing it. The stuff we have been scripted to say is perfect everytime.

I've been out of the nest, too. Big events, the last couple weeks have really given me the opportunity to shine as an MC. The first of which, was a 1st year wedding aniversary, since they didn't have a party when they got married in Vegas. BIG event. Outside in the courtyard of the North Scottsdale J.W. Marriot, a hawaiian theme and I bring the WHOLE deal, intel lights, full sound package. Incredible. We were set up in an hour, record timing and we had about two hours to kill because there was hardly a rehearsal! I like getting to all my events drastically early, so I can get there, get all my equipment in, set up, and just feel comfortable with how much time I have. That event turned out to be awesome.

Last week, another big event - and it was, kinda like a transistion for me. Like I said before, I had been working as an MC with my boss being the DJ, these past couple times have been without him, and I think it's been a sort of, transition for me. I'm on my own now, I can make it mine and really start creating a personality for myself. So last week was a young couple. Mid-20's, BIG 80's fans. They requested absolutely no music for me to work off of so me and my boy Juan were flying solo. We got there early, as per my great planning, and it was a good thing, too, because I left a couple important pieces of information back at the office. Phew! So finally after setting up, and FLYING back to the office, I returned for the event.

It was awesome, the guests were pumped, I didn't even need to do much to get them all worked up. We set a loop for "clocks" by Coldplay, and Juan was the man... I finished introducing the bridal party, and it kicked in... With a huge boom over the speakers I step out of the way as I say my line, people could hardly hear me because the cheering rumbled the walls as the bew bride and groom entered. What a sight to see. It could have been the biggest cheers I have ever given to a bride and groom, and I played right off of it.

Right after dinner it almost looked as if we wouldn't be able to do this. We were 20 minutes late and then daddy wanted to grab the mic and give a 3rd toast. If my quick-thinking bride hadn't have grabbed the mic from him, we would have been going on forever! So dancing got started. I had told the bride that we were going to knock out some older tunes first to leave room for all the stuff she wants later. Dude, I'm here to say I had a packed dance floor for 95% of the night. Juan and I were diggin' DEEP in the crates that night. But you know how I knew this was a transition event? I got my first hug from the bride. Not only a hug, but a kiss on the cheek and a $100 tip for Juan and I to split, now that is GREAT!

So I was happy. I'm starting to actually look forward to new events in the future.

By the way, it has taken me two nights to write this post, so some refrences to "yesterday" most likely meant it was written the first day, as in Tuesday.

"When I get the Chance I'll..." or "Tune in next time for..."

Does anybody else LOVE the show "Lost" like I do? I mean, I have actually made a point not to miss this show every week. So tonight, the big night - will we get some loose ends tied up? I mean Jesus we've been sitting on the edge of our seats for two weeks now, wondering what all this crap means and they just have left us with nothing - except the same exact spot we were the first ep.

So the numbers, what are they? I mean, ok they have been laughing at us with this numbers game... they show up EVERYWHERE, either as all of them spread out or... 108... now 108 has some depth, has anyone heard of 108 sins? It's deep. So I'm excited. I'm not gonna get too far into this because I could honestly dedicate a whole second blog entry to it.

But what I will talk about is what's going on with "that damn site." That's right, remember idontknowadamnthing.com? Yeah, it's gonna be back soon. Slowly but surely I'm building a new site that will ROCK your world. More on that in a second - because first I want to say that my biggest priority is my DJJPHOENIX site. It's undergoing a facelift (hence the new colors) and I'm making new graphics for it and stuff. And as soon as Serena and I get our acts together, we'll be getting together for a new photo shoot that will make me look dead sexy!!

But back to idkadt.com - In place of the forums for right now I'm going to place a link to a little fund-raiser I'm doing. The same link is on the sidebar under the "Starving Artist Relief Fund" or, STAR for short. Here's the gist... I'm broke. Really broke. I'm making money and stuff but there's not enough money left over to put to savings and such, to buy new equipment. So I'm not gonna go anywhere unless I can get some money to start paying for all of this. Well, that's where I came up with the idea for STAR. STAR will benefit artists like me, to give them money to pay for pretty much anything, but it's mainly to make them capable to buy new expensive equipment. We provide entertainment for you. And a lot of talented people out there will never get a start because they just don't have the money these days. Well I think that's bullshit, all talented young individuals should, and because of STAR, WILL have the ability to have that chance they need. I need that chance, and once I raise some money I will give others that chance. I'm not doing this as a get rich-quick scheme. I'm being honest here I really do want to do something about this! So donate today to STAR, and help your starving artists get their dream!

Alright that's it. You made it! It's the end! The Finale! I'm Done! Finished! Stick a Fork in me! Go to bed! Close the Book! Turn off the TV!

Goodnight.