It's time to change

I don't know what you think, but I think my past couple posts have been pretty deep. They've been pretty truthful, I'm throwing it all out there for anyone to see.

Finally I have a chance to say what I really want to say and despite some negative comments, I think i've done a pretty damn good job. But let's get real here, no one gives a shit. All I am is a guy, who wants to be a DJ, and wants to be happy. That's it. End of story.

So why all the banter? Why am I writing and writing as if I have something to prove - as if some one somewhere is going to read this and just give me everything I need? All this has been is one big pondering bitch session and I don't know if that is what I wanted this to be. It has been an opportunity to hear what my "friends" really do think of me. How much they really do support me, and I know who they are now. I can see it.

It's time to change. I've gained lots of friends, and then lost a bunch. One day I'll do it again. My friends are the ones that support me no matter what decision I make. I've done a ton of things half-assed. I've started a bunch of stuff that I've never finished. I've sat here and made big proclaimations about how great it will be and I've never done it. Their right. I've been pretty much a failure all my life. My school grades, lack of education, lack of direction, lack of hope and drive... I had only a little bit of all of that.

But don't let it depress you, don't feel bad for me - I did it to myself, I made those decisions and that stuff has happened and I can't take it back. So before I tell you about where I'm going and what I plan to do about it, I want to talk about the last 3 years of my life.

The Last Three Years.

Here I was, sipping coffee at work, knowing that I was going to be in this job for a while, knowing that I had money to spend, knowing that I had friends to party with. I was still new to my job, I hadn't really met anybody yet, but in December 2002 I met Bill.

Bill led me to Caitlin, and their circle of friends. That was a fun time. I was 20 now and even though I had a fakey I never used it. We liked just hanging out and being friends. That was also the year I got a pretty scary false-alarm call from the army. But, if it wasn't for that false-alarm, I wouldn't have met Shelby, who was some one in the office that wrote me a letter. I didn't know Shelby, but I went and met her and she was very nice, and she invited me to lunch with her and her friends. That was really nice of her to do. It was then, that I met Jessica.

Jessica sat down at lunch with us and Shelby asked "so Jess how did the auditions go?"

Jess went on to say that not much talent showed up, they think they have some good people but they haven't made any decisions yet.
"What Auditions?" I said, my little ears perked up like Lassie's.
"Oh, nothing, I don't want to get into it." Jess said.
"No biggy I was just curious, you said auditions and I perked up a bit."
"What, can you sing or something?"
"Uh, Yeah. Actually I can sing."

That was the day I met Jonathan, the director, and got a part as Smudge on "Forever Plaid."

That show had to have been a big turning point in my life. After that I felt like I was a king. It was the talk of my friends, it was something I loved doing, and it introduced me to someone who would one day become one of my closest friends ever. I was happy. I was happy before but now I was happier. It was talk of the office, my parents were so proud, I was proud. But for every up in life there's a down, in my opinion, and I knew that it wasn't always going to be this good.

It did hold on for quite some time though. Soon after I was doing another show as stage crew. Now that was an experience. For a while I had been toying around with some new ideas. I had been interested in so many things but something about working as crew put a whole new angle on things I didn't think of before. Things I was good at but didn't know where to go with it. I met some great people during that show, talked to a lot of people that work with sound and lights, my eyes got so big and I was like a kid at a circus for the first time. Shortly after I remember a night at a bar called Fat Tuesdays - there I was spilling my guts to Jessica, again.

I wanted to be a sound engineer. That was it. I wanted to go to school, learn how to work the mixing board and light boards and go on tour with big names and make a bunch of money for being the un-sung hero of the concert. That was it. I went on for what seemed like 4 hours about this new career path. I loved music, and I have a great ear for it, I said. As if Jessica was gonna help - she just smiled and listened as I quickly became the authority on what I needed to be good at this job. I had no clue. And I never followed through with it. But I remember what Jess said to me that day. You see I knew Jessica was leaving soon, to go and live with her boyfriend in Chicago. I was happy for her and even though I didn't want her to go she left me with this quote:

"I wish I could take your passion, and your energy, and your ambition... and just bottle it up and take it with me. No matter what it is your just so whole-hearted in it, I can see a fire burning in your eyes like you can't wait to get started...and I just wish you could share some of that, cause I may need some when I get there!"

Yeah I had a lot of passion. When I get into something I am set straight - that's it there's nothing else. Must be why so many of my friends doubt me so much. I've wanted to be in movies, to write movies, be a director, be a singer, an actor.... I've wanted to be a computer genius or a graphics designer, a sound designer or light designer. A restaurant owner or a choir teacher. And yeah I'd still like to be all that stuff but I can't do everything in this world. It was time I made a real decision. Again, everyone doubted me. No one thought that I would actually follow through with this one. And no, I've not made it outside of my own house but I think I will. When I'm ready I will and once that happens, there's no stopping me. But this time I needed to be patient. I needed to see my path ahead of me and with lots of work and patience, I'll make it. This time, this time I found something that I can apply my passion, and ambition to.

Around I'd say... November of 2003 I met Krista, who is still somewhat a friend of mine, but Krista (on the day I met her I think I made out with her...) didn't really become significant until about February 2004. I finally convinced her to hop on over to our house, it was then that we met Serena.

Bill took a liking to Serena, to be honest I didn't really like her all that much but to each-is-own. I had a crush on Krista so Bill could do what ever he wanted. Then Krista tells me that she has a boyfriend and I'm like "?" but, whatever - apparently making out is allowed when you're on a "break."

Anyway well soon after, Serena was in the picture. We were all friends and I liked having her around and she was Bill's chick so it was cool. Krista was pretty much out of the picture. Serena was nice then, not very complicated, she worked during the day and came over and screwed Bill at night. Then all of a sudden Bill gets weird. Bill starts not liking her as much and very soon after, breaks up with her. Now - they were in Love - or they say. That was it for them and they were happy and then breakup? Weird. Bill tried to give it a second chance but it just wasn't working out.

Now I thought Serena was cute and all but I wasn't really attracted to her at first. It was simple to me, everything was simple. Bill was pretty broken up about the whole thing that it didn't work out but I thought it was Bill that broke up with her! Serena and I became sort of friends during all of this and well, I think she took a liking to me. What started with friendly flirting became real flirting and then real flirting became, well, sex. I mean that was pretty much it. That's all I wanted. And according to her that's all she wanted too, so we were cool, right? Nope. Bill didn't want me touching Serena. I never really understood what went on there.

I alienated my friends. The relationship between Bill and I started going sour and in our own separate directions. But I just couldn't tell him about Serena. He had to have known it wasn't like a secret to the rest of my friends. But can you believe it? No one told him. Ever. My friends stood up for me and took my side. They stood up for my happiness and just to protect Bill's happiness no one ever told him. Ever. Sure he suspected - but by then Serena and I were really close and so it could easily seem that we were just really good friends - or it could easily seem that we're fuckin', depending on how you look at it.

Korea came in August of 2004. One year ago. It was time to leave the nest and I flew with my army buddies including Bill to Korea for a month. Serena told me that she loved me.

Damnit. I didn't want that. But come to think of it - was that what I was doing? By sleeping with her and being with her all the time - how could she not feel that way? I mean I'm not boasting like I'm the greatest guy, but, we were together - love progresses over time when two people spend a lot of time together. And - could I love her back?

That's what I told her, that I did. But I didn't know - I mean - here I thought it was just sex and now I'm in Korea for a month with love in the back of my mind and one of my female army buddy's booty in the front of it. I mean, I could have had some great sex out there in Korea. It would have been REAL fun. But I didn't. I didn't do it - was it really love?

No. I wasn't in love - I was stupid. She was in love, sure. I didn't want it. I didn't want Serena - I couldn't picture being with her forever, we for damn sure wouldn't have gotten along. I was stupid, and this relationship had to stop.

So it did. I ended it. I wasn't ready for anything like that - I'm still not ready. Serena is LOOKING for that, that's her goal, that's what she wants. Not me. But - maybe we could still be friends... with benefits.

I'm not gonna lie to you, we had no problem in the bedroom. It was some damn good stuff. Not to give out TMI or anything. That's what I was enjoying - the sex - it was only sometimes that I actually enjoyed just hanging with her.

So, OK, around that point something terrible happened. Jessica was back to visit. Her father had past away and I'd be damned if I wasn't waiting at the airport to pick her ass up. That's just what I did. And in like the first instant that i saw her my smile broke out, I was the happiest guy in that airport to see her again. I knew it was hard times, so I wasn't even going to bother her. I drove her to her house and let her have her space.

I only talked to her a couple times that couple weeks that she was home. Her boyfriend had followed soon after, and I was fine.

But I wasn't fine - in fact. I was a little pissed that I didn't get to spend much time with her. The truth of the matter was, I had almost forgotten about her in the middle of all of this. And now - I decided to put that chapter in the books and move on from that friendship. We'd still be friends and call each other on occation, but that was it, she had her own life to live.

And I was still hanging with Serena. It was this point, around Feb of this year, that I started getting kinda nervous about my living arrangements. For some reason, Bill didn't seem to like me all to much. He had some new girlfriend that happily waltzed in and began living at the house - for free. While I'm struggling, Bill is supporting his new girlfriend. I had to get outta there. Time was up for Bill and I and soon after I found out the truth about how he really felt about me.

I moved in with my Parents, and from that point on, it was hell.

Not because I lived with my parents. More because of the principle of having to go back. I had to sit there and mooch off of my parents and to this day I have nothing to show for it. I gained some bad spending habits and got further and further behind. Habits I'm still paying for today. Plus, it didn't help that Serena and I were fighting and then making up and fucking, fighting then making up then fucking - not her fault. We have major differences and I think lately they've been beginning to show through. But what's more, some one who I thought I got rid of, who I thought I let go and was out and on her own and out in Chicago doing her own thing, was back.

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I don't belive too closely in fate. I'd like to think that our lives are based on the choices we make and although there are consequences to every decision, we have control. I do however, think things happen for a reason. I mean I look back on these past three years and I see how everything connects. Everything has gone from being progression to almost perfection to the occational problems to the need for a life change. I see how I've grown and changed over the past three years and I realized that I'm not the same person I used to be. Sure I'm the same big dork and I still have the same values, that will never change. But I'm tougher now. I'm stronger. My head is screwed tightly on my shoulders and this time, this time I'm pointing in the right direction.

So, the future...

So here I am. I'm in a place now where I can just clean the slate. Take the time I need to clean up my life, make things better, and build a future for myself. It doesn't have to be here in Phoenix. People don't even like house music here in Phoenix. I need to get my life in order like I said I would three years ago and just go. No more half assed, almost started or almost finished projects. This time I'm going all the way. This time.

I'm not staying in Phoenix. I thought I would be able to create something here but there's nothing here for me. This is home base and I will keep it that way - I need to be out and about and I need a big ocean to wander in. So that's what I'm doing. I'm leaving. I've wanted to leave for so fuckin' long and I told myself no. I've asked myself, "should I go back to Delaware?" No. But I will go, away from here. I'm selling the car and buying a cheap k-car. It'll be enough to get me where I have to be and that's all I want. I'm gonna take some applied classes and get my grades up and find a college - that list is coming soon... colleges I'm looking at. I'm tired of sitting. I'm tired of being nobody. I'm tired of being a big fish in a small pond - I want to take on the ocean! But I have to start small... Like one of the annonymous comments... baby steps, right?