The Long Drive Home

Alternate Titles: "Out of the Blues" or "Salad at Midnight" or "It's a girl problem!" or my favorite, "You've been Blogged!"

I'll have to warn you, this one is a long one - so to make it easier on you, I broke this post into "chapters" so you can stop and come back.

I have a lot of things to talk about. Every night this weekend I had to do the long trek home from the opposite sides of Phoenix back to my distant town of Goodyear. My car is going to be the death of me I guarantee it, I've put more miles on it last week than I have last month. I had to get my brakes fixed, as you know, came out to be $500. Not cool. One of my rotors, wasted. Now I'm broke enough to consider myself homeless even though I still find my way back to the house with barely enough gas and only nickels left.

I did get paid. That was nice - that lasted about 30 seconds while all my other bills cleared. I have a check for DJing, I know I'm a DJ because now I'm starting to complain that I don't get paid enough for it. Jesus - what has happened to me? My mother read my blog for the first time last week and she commented that I was too hard on myself. Yeah, I'm pretty tough on myself, I know - but folks I'm almost 23, and I have NOTHING to show for what I have made. My car is always on the verge of being taken away, with that goes my insurance, followed by my phone, and then finally my home. Do you think I can be homeless and still get to work everyday? I mean, if I show up and I don't stink too bad then I would probably have a whole lot more money! This is all just pondering thought, I'm not going to be homeless any time soon.

But I did do a lot of thinking on all these fuel-sucking drives home, Saturday night I did the most, mainly because I had to do all this thinking just to keep myself from falling asleep. As it was, towards the end of my drive I was so tired I started hallucinating. Let me tell you how awakening it is to see trees running around in my neighbor's yard...

First, for Serena - I talk about you in this post later - so don't fret, you're in here.

So is just about everyone else, by the way. I've gotten a lot of complaints recently about me blogging people, that they don't appreciate the things I say about them on here. They say that finding out how I really feel on the internet is not the best way to hear about it, that I should express this stuff to them personally. I agree - I should. However, I won't, because let's face it, the truth sucks. I was a liar all my childhood, it's easy for me. I can tell you a story that will have you clinching your own ass waiting for the hopefull happy ending only to drop you into tears in pain because of the dramatic ending, only to find out years later that it was pulled completely out of my ass. Point being, I know how to make up something if needed - not on the spot, no - but give me 12-18 hours and you've got a novel.

But here's the problem, how is that helpful? How can I positively benefit from not being 100% honest? But see I still have a problem with it. Now it's not so much lying, it's more like "widtholding information," which lately, in my opinion is just plain shitty. But we all do it, we all say little white lies to hold the truth, we all tell eachother everything's just fine and there's nothing wrong. Or we'll say that we don't want to talk about it, or that one day we'll say it but not today, but it's only a temporary relief from the fact that one day, sure as shootin', the truth will come out. That's one of the few lessons I actually learned from my mother, speaking of, that lying is only a temporary relief. No one wants to take responsibility anymore, they all sit here and say 'it's someone else's fault, and I shouldn't have to deal with it.' Or we push things away by saying that we don't care and it doesn't bother us when - you know what - IT DOES FUCKIN' BOTHER ME. Shit bothers me, all the time, I'm bothered. I'm either dissapointed or angered or let-down. From my old philosophy "expect the worst, get the best," doesn't really hold true anymore... because I have high expectations these days. I tried, I really did try to have that positive outlook, and the rose-colored-glasses, but the problem that comes up is that I always end up getting shafted, getting fucked over because I'm just a 'nice guy.' What I found was, you have to contain both philosophies, so my new one is: "Expect the best, if you don't get it, maybe next time."

"Maybe Next Time"

So, let's start with Friday. Payday. I was high as a kite - I had gotten some money, my brakes were fixed, all my tasks for the day were done, and I had called all my up coming brides to set up meeting times. Plus, this was a special night, because I was heading out to see a familiar friend that I hadn't seen in a while, Michele. Oh, Michele, Michele. What can I say about Michele? If I were to pick a phrase to encompass all that is Michele, I would say, "hold on tight." Because if you hang with Michele, you're jet-set for a crazy ride. But this time it was different, this time, she wanted to be with me. She wanted to hang with me and talk to me and see ME. I got phone calls saying "dude, I can't wait to party with YOU," it made me feel wanted again, like I had someone actually missing me. Someone new missing me, I guess I should say... cause I know there are others out there that miss me. Anyway we set it up as a "could be a date," because according to Michele, it's only a date if there's kissing at the end.

So we met up. Michele was in her usual, very unique, sporty, yet extremely somehow sexy outfit. This time, as I don't see this very often, a tight little cammo mini skirt and big black boots and a black tank. She had her hair up, though - I'll have to be honest her hair down is just splended.

Anyway, everything was going great - the whole time thinking, was I gonna finally get with this girl? I mean, she's gotta know that I want to, after all the compliments and game-talking... she's gotta know, right? Well we sat down to dinner at happy hour. Sushi. I actually like sushi now, I never used to.. the thought of raw or slightly cooked fish made me just twinge with sickness - but I actually like some of it! It's very in-crowd, too, so everytime I eat it I feel like I'm all cool and stuff. I'm a dork.

But soon after, a friend of Michele's joins us. Infact, during the night, more and more friends started tagging along and becoming a part of our "could be a date." So here's where it got dissapointing. I was disregarded. I was an 11th wheel or whatever it was, and I wasn't mad - don't get me wrong! I mean I was getting into clubs for free and a couple free drinks and meeting new people, all great, great things - just not what I expected. As I said though, it was totally fun anyway, sometimes I just need to learn to be flexible! We went to about 5 different places. All the while we were picking up new friends, having new scenes. But it was one point that things started taking a turn back to the 'original idea.'

My SKM buddies showed up. FINALLY! I took off - Michele still had stuff to do, but since I was driving I knew she wouldn't go far - so I left with Adrian and Juan to head to Drift, a place I've been only once before. Michele met me there and reminded me that I was supposed to drive her home and hang out with her a while... "!"

Yeah, me and 5 others - come on, what did I expect - a close encounter with the hottie alone at the house? Doubtful.. This time, though, I just went with the flow and hung out. Michele was trashed - actually everyone was. Except for me, the DD, who drove everyone in Michele's truck back to the house to hang and spin records.

This is where the thinking began. It was 4am, 5 of us were chillin' at the house - Michele is just about passed out. It was time to go. So, I stole one more little kiss from the cheek and a hug, and I thanked her for the good time. Because here in the end I felt - you know what? I don't need her alone. I don't really even want her to my own. Sure, Michele is gorgeous, she's full of life and she always somehow has a way to just make me feel like a million bucks. But I don't want her. If the situation came up where I was alone and there were sparks flying... well then I'd give it to her the right way like a Chapin shoud, but, I have different expectations for her. She's gonna be a great friend of mine, above all else. She knows... EVERYBODY. I'm just amazed at the ability she has to just go out there and meet new people and treat everyone like they're her best friends already. I envy that. She's gonna be a good friend of mine.

I called her the next day and thanked her for hangin out with me. I felt good - I had a "not really a date" with Michele... and friends.

"Not Really a Date"

Saturday came pretty quick. Luckily, I had prepared ahead of time for the big day ahead, my next MC event. This time I was kicked out of the nest, my DJ was NOT my boss for once, gave me a chance to work with someone else and get used to changing my approach.

I'd say about Wednesday I recieved an email from an old acquaintance. I say acquaintance because I only saw her face-to-face for one day. The story goes: This girl at the bridal show approaches me as if she needs a DJ. The truth was, she wasn't a bride, but she still needed a DJ... me. To the point when I gave her my email, and I think she gave me her number, but all-in-all, this chick was diggin' on me. She was pretty cute, too... by the way.

That was all until a co-worker of mine began to cock-block me! That little shmuck began to hit on this girl and - well wait a minute - we're at the bridal show, I'm working... I shouldn't be hitting on chicks anyway... so who gives a shit. Go for it little dude, it makes me look better. So this guy get's the girl. Turns out, they started going out and love was in the air and marraige thoughts after 3 months and blah, blah, blah...

Yeah then they broke up.

So who does she email? Me. She emails me and all of a sudden now she's all into me again? I could possibly go for this, I mean - I didn't really get to know her so maybe talking to her would be cool to get to know her a little bit would be cool.

So we started passing emails back and forth. Dude she's got a lotta shit goin on. Just problem after problem and it all seemed to be centered around her and my co-worker friend breaking up. I'm not even gonna get into that. The important part is that she started talking about that whole thing I was talking about a few posts ago - Friends, with benefits. Remember platonic friendships? It's that guy the girls keep in mind just in case somethin' fucks up. I totally was like - hey... that's not a bad idea! Something new to get my mind off of screwing you-know-who and moving on to something else, not really a challenge like Michele, but definitely something doable.

So Saturday night came, and let me tell you I was HOTT! I was WOWing the crowd at the reception and the bride and groom were totally cool, and very pleased with the outcome. So I was happy. I got good remarks from my DJ and then I was off - way the fuck out to East Mesa.

Here comes that butal honesty that no one likes... what the hell was I thinking? First off I didn't have the gas for this trip nor the money, but most of all - did I think I was actually gonna get with this girl? Dude this girl is still madly in love with her ex boyfriend and thinks he's like the mack-daddy in bed. She's infactuated with him and I expect to get laid? Folks, I didn't hardly know her. This was stupid. I went out there, hung out for all of about 2 hours, watching Big daddy as she sat on her lap top with a fake AIM SN talking to her ex-boyfriend as if she's a different person. Sure as shootin', within 20 minutes of talking to him, his drunk ass invited her over.

I was outta there. Thanks but no thanks, one guy at a time please. The long drive home got me thinking of all the stuff going on in my life. From Jessica, to Serena, and everyone in between.

"UFO's in the Mountains"

I didn't tell you, did I? About two weeks ago I was driving home, and when I get to the road leading into Estrella, it is pitch black - except for the past few nights because of the full moon. But other nights it is pitch black. Well one night I'm driving home and the weirdest thing, an orange glow was reflecting off a patch of clouds to the southeast, much like a big city does. I didn't think much of it.. I continued driving along. I had nothing to drink, and I was wide awake, and when I got to the stopsign where I normally turn.... WOW! Three large orange lights in a line in the high sky, making that glow upon the clouds. They were the same color as our standard street lights, which had me confused, because I had never seen these before. This was just incredible. I had to get a better look. So, instead of turning I went straight, I just had to find out what these were! What freaked me out is that they were so bright, and in such a definite spot, I knew immediately that I had never seen this before. It was just wierd. So I reported it. Who knows what they were but the next night I saw nothing, and I haven't seen them since. I went straight that night to get a better few, but almost as if they weren't ever there, they disappeared. Oh well, I can say I had a UFO experience now and everyone can think I'm crazy... that's just about all it's ever gonna be.

So Saturday night I'm driving home from the girl's house. Kinda miffed because I'm an idiot. And some big thoughts came about. I guess it was Jessica that came into my mind first. She may or may not know this but, I'm not really happy with her right now.

Let me ask a general question, I know who will be reading this so I'm prepared for whatever negativity that may come my way. The question is: how does one prove themselves worthy if he/she has done something so bad and/or hurtful that this person can't be forgiven? That was a question that was asked of my brother and myself last week. How is it possible? Let's take Jessica's situation since everyone knows that's what I'm talking about anyway. As we know, her ex-boyfriend cheated on her, for years... with two other women. One woman, once, is terrible. But two women, for over a year... the phrase that comes to mind is "you don't deserve to have a dick." But woudn't you believe it, the girl that he wants above the other two (one of them his wife), is Jessica. Do you know what I said? So what? Tough shit, you fucked that one up.

It's tough, leaving something you're so sure is true and then waking up one day and finding it thrown right back in your face. Jessica had built her entire life around him, she MOVED to CHICAGO for him. Which by the way, was something that she promised me she wouldn't do unless she KNEW that it was going to work out. Luckily, Jess is an independant woman, and she was prepared... thanks to her mom for that advice. And so what I thought was over because Jess is so strong and all the big talk about her and all the admiration of her moving on... I'm only 90% sure that's true. I'm not so sure that she can't be convinced that this guy is scum for what he did and he can never be forgiven. Sure it's hard to leave what your so used to, and I can understand that. But hello? THIS GUY CHEATED ON YOU, LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES!!! So what if he's FINALLY getting his divorce, so WHAT if he tells you that you're the only one for him, SO WHAT he got a tattoo on his arm with some secret word, so what that he's going through a major life change. All those things are just reminders that he fucked up, and he's now alone because of it. There's no room for forgiveness here, and in my opinion, Jess - oh you're gonna be a little mad - you're a raging idiot if you took him back.

But I don't know if she really wants him back. Fact is, I really don't know anything - because according to her, after I recieved news of his finalized divorce, there's nothing more to say. She doesn't feel like talking to me about this. She doesn't want to share her feelings about this. Excuse me? I'm sorry, I thought I could deal with just dropping it but, Caitlin knows best - I'm a dweller. I will push those feelings aside at first because I want to avoid confrontation... but this is fucked up. Here I thought I was your best friend, that now I had reached a point where we share all of our thoughts and feelings - maybe not "brutal honesty..." Uh... now that I mention that phrase... that just brought up a whole can of worms... WHAT ABOUT BRUTAL HONESTY, HUH? Yeah man, you were REALLY brutally honest with Jess, weren't ya? Anyway as I was saying, here I thought we had reached a point in our friendship, and I guess I was wrong... I guess I am just someone you can say drop it to and I'll just walk away head down, not saying a word.

But you know what, after this, maybe I should be that guy. I love Jessica, very much so - she's one of... shit she IS my closest friend. And you know what? Be happy Jess, that's all I care about. Follow what your gut tells you... the FIRST time. Listen to your heart and just go do what makes you happy. As much as I may or may not disagree, your happiness is what counts. I'll give you my opinion directly if asked, but otherwise you can just read about it in here.

"Read all about it"

So that brought me to another common subject that night. Happiness. It's been a while since someone asked me if I was happy. I have a philosophy: "You can CHOOSE to be happy." And I believe it fully. And ultimately, I am. I'm happy - not satisfied... but happy to say the least. And I've been sort of searching for an answer the past few days about a question that popped in my mind at my last post... Why did I love Serena?

Don't be alarmed Serena, I did find an answer, and I think you'll understand what I'm talking about.

I have needs as a guy. I guess you can say that I'm rather dependent on people to help me out and make me feel better about stuff. Putting me #1 has always been the way I work, and then whenever there's a problem somewhere else, I'll be there if I can. Serena loved me. Like a lot, she loved me no matter what shit I did. I could have killed someone with no reason at all and she would have pretty much held my hand when I was getting my lethal injection. She was devoted to me, and you know what... I really loved that. On top of the great sex was someone that submitted to me and was there for me no matter what. Now, on the other hand there were things that upset me a little, say like the fact that got attatched really fast and I'm not ready for any of that, plus other stuff that just piled on that made this whole thing just shitty... but I loved the fact that she loved me. And still does, mind you. Now there are times when I don't even LIKE Serena. But, I do appreciate what she has given me, she gave me love. She changed for me and even though I got pissed because she shouldn't have done that, she did... and I loved that. And you know what? I want someone one day that's like her in that way, cause when I'm ready, I'll give back every last ounce of love and affection, and then some. I apologize for not seeing that before, that how much I casted away because I just wasn't ready. That's my fault. So I guess in this time apart we can both say that we've made some mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make more... but you'll always be a friend of mine - and I'll hold a little spot in my heart for you, too.



As time clicks by I sit and wonder if I'm ever gonna dig myself out of this mess, get a plan, execute and work my way up. All my plans from before seem to suffer because of money, or friends, or girls... all this is my fault and I was just seeking blame somewhere else. Sure, those other factors might have faults as well... but I could have avoided it, I really could have... It's all about choices.

This was a great weekend. It's time to get to work. Take care.

It's time to change

I don't know what you think, but I think my past couple posts have been pretty deep. They've been pretty truthful, I'm throwing it all out there for anyone to see.

Finally I have a chance to say what I really want to say and despite some negative comments, I think i've done a pretty damn good job. But let's get real here, no one gives a shit. All I am is a guy, who wants to be a DJ, and wants to be happy. That's it. End of story.

So why all the banter? Why am I writing and writing as if I have something to prove - as if some one somewhere is going to read this and just give me everything I need? All this has been is one big pondering bitch session and I don't know if that is what I wanted this to be. It has been an opportunity to hear what my "friends" really do think of me. How much they really do support me, and I know who they are now. I can see it.

It's time to change. I've gained lots of friends, and then lost a bunch. One day I'll do it again. My friends are the ones that support me no matter what decision I make. I've done a ton of things half-assed. I've started a bunch of stuff that I've never finished. I've sat here and made big proclaimations about how great it will be and I've never done it. Their right. I've been pretty much a failure all my life. My school grades, lack of education, lack of direction, lack of hope and drive... I had only a little bit of all of that.

But don't let it depress you, don't feel bad for me - I did it to myself, I made those decisions and that stuff has happened and I can't take it back. So before I tell you about where I'm going and what I plan to do about it, I want to talk about the last 3 years of my life.

The Last Three Years.

Here I was, sipping coffee at work, knowing that I was going to be in this job for a while, knowing that I had money to spend, knowing that I had friends to party with. I was still new to my job, I hadn't really met anybody yet, but in December 2002 I met Bill.

Bill led me to Caitlin, and their circle of friends. That was a fun time. I was 20 now and even though I had a fakey I never used it. We liked just hanging out and being friends. That was also the year I got a pretty scary false-alarm call from the army. But, if it wasn't for that false-alarm, I wouldn't have met Shelby, who was some one in the office that wrote me a letter. I didn't know Shelby, but I went and met her and she was very nice, and she invited me to lunch with her and her friends. That was really nice of her to do. It was then, that I met Jessica.

Jessica sat down at lunch with us and Shelby asked "so Jess how did the auditions go?"

Jess went on to say that not much talent showed up, they think they have some good people but they haven't made any decisions yet.
"What Auditions?" I said, my little ears perked up like Lassie's.
"Oh, nothing, I don't want to get into it." Jess said.
"No biggy I was just curious, you said auditions and I perked up a bit."
"What, can you sing or something?"
"Uh, Yeah. Actually I can sing."

That was the day I met Jonathan, the director, and got a part as Smudge on "Forever Plaid."

That show had to have been a big turning point in my life. After that I felt like I was a king. It was the talk of my friends, it was something I loved doing, and it introduced me to someone who would one day become one of my closest friends ever. I was happy. I was happy before but now I was happier. It was talk of the office, my parents were so proud, I was proud. But for every up in life there's a down, in my opinion, and I knew that it wasn't always going to be this good.

It did hold on for quite some time though. Soon after I was doing another show as stage crew. Now that was an experience. For a while I had been toying around with some new ideas. I had been interested in so many things but something about working as crew put a whole new angle on things I didn't think of before. Things I was good at but didn't know where to go with it. I met some great people during that show, talked to a lot of people that work with sound and lights, my eyes got so big and I was like a kid at a circus for the first time. Shortly after I remember a night at a bar called Fat Tuesdays - there I was spilling my guts to Jessica, again.

I wanted to be a sound engineer. That was it. I wanted to go to school, learn how to work the mixing board and light boards and go on tour with big names and make a bunch of money for being the un-sung hero of the concert. That was it. I went on for what seemed like 4 hours about this new career path. I loved music, and I have a great ear for it, I said. As if Jessica was gonna help - she just smiled and listened as I quickly became the authority on what I needed to be good at this job. I had no clue. And I never followed through with it. But I remember what Jess said to me that day. You see I knew Jessica was leaving soon, to go and live with her boyfriend in Chicago. I was happy for her and even though I didn't want her to go she left me with this quote:

"I wish I could take your passion, and your energy, and your ambition... and just bottle it up and take it with me. No matter what it is your just so whole-hearted in it, I can see a fire burning in your eyes like you can't wait to get started...and I just wish you could share some of that, cause I may need some when I get there!"

Yeah I had a lot of passion. When I get into something I am set straight - that's it there's nothing else. Must be why so many of my friends doubt me so much. I've wanted to be in movies, to write movies, be a director, be a singer, an actor.... I've wanted to be a computer genius or a graphics designer, a sound designer or light designer. A restaurant owner or a choir teacher. And yeah I'd still like to be all that stuff but I can't do everything in this world. It was time I made a real decision. Again, everyone doubted me. No one thought that I would actually follow through with this one. And no, I've not made it outside of my own house but I think I will. When I'm ready I will and once that happens, there's no stopping me. But this time I needed to be patient. I needed to see my path ahead of me and with lots of work and patience, I'll make it. This time, this time I found something that I can apply my passion, and ambition to.

Around I'd say... November of 2003 I met Krista, who is still somewhat a friend of mine, but Krista (on the day I met her I think I made out with her...) didn't really become significant until about February 2004. I finally convinced her to hop on over to our house, it was then that we met Serena.

Bill took a liking to Serena, to be honest I didn't really like her all that much but to each-is-own. I had a crush on Krista so Bill could do what ever he wanted. Then Krista tells me that she has a boyfriend and I'm like "?" but, whatever - apparently making out is allowed when you're on a "break."

Anyway well soon after, Serena was in the picture. We were all friends and I liked having her around and she was Bill's chick so it was cool. Krista was pretty much out of the picture. Serena was nice then, not very complicated, she worked during the day and came over and screwed Bill at night. Then all of a sudden Bill gets weird. Bill starts not liking her as much and very soon after, breaks up with her. Now - they were in Love - or they say. That was it for them and they were happy and then breakup? Weird. Bill tried to give it a second chance but it just wasn't working out.

Now I thought Serena was cute and all but I wasn't really attracted to her at first. It was simple to me, everything was simple. Bill was pretty broken up about the whole thing that it didn't work out but I thought it was Bill that broke up with her! Serena and I became sort of friends during all of this and well, I think she took a liking to me. What started with friendly flirting became real flirting and then real flirting became, well, sex. I mean that was pretty much it. That's all I wanted. And according to her that's all she wanted too, so we were cool, right? Nope. Bill didn't want me touching Serena. I never really understood what went on there.

I alienated my friends. The relationship between Bill and I started going sour and in our own separate directions. But I just couldn't tell him about Serena. He had to have known it wasn't like a secret to the rest of my friends. But can you believe it? No one told him. Ever. My friends stood up for me and took my side. They stood up for my happiness and just to protect Bill's happiness no one ever told him. Ever. Sure he suspected - but by then Serena and I were really close and so it could easily seem that we were just really good friends - or it could easily seem that we're fuckin', depending on how you look at it.

Korea came in August of 2004. One year ago. It was time to leave the nest and I flew with my army buddies including Bill to Korea for a month. Serena told me that she loved me.

Damnit. I didn't want that. But come to think of it - was that what I was doing? By sleeping with her and being with her all the time - how could she not feel that way? I mean I'm not boasting like I'm the greatest guy, but, we were together - love progresses over time when two people spend a lot of time together. And - could I love her back?

That's what I told her, that I did. But I didn't know - I mean - here I thought it was just sex and now I'm in Korea for a month with love in the back of my mind and one of my female army buddy's booty in the front of it. I mean, I could have had some great sex out there in Korea. It would have been REAL fun. But I didn't. I didn't do it - was it really love?

No. I wasn't in love - I was stupid. She was in love, sure. I didn't want it. I didn't want Serena - I couldn't picture being with her forever, we for damn sure wouldn't have gotten along. I was stupid, and this relationship had to stop.

So it did. I ended it. I wasn't ready for anything like that - I'm still not ready. Serena is LOOKING for that, that's her goal, that's what she wants. Not me. But - maybe we could still be friends... with benefits.

I'm not gonna lie to you, we had no problem in the bedroom. It was some damn good stuff. Not to give out TMI or anything. That's what I was enjoying - the sex - it was only sometimes that I actually enjoyed just hanging with her.

So, OK, around that point something terrible happened. Jessica was back to visit. Her father had past away and I'd be damned if I wasn't waiting at the airport to pick her ass up. That's just what I did. And in like the first instant that i saw her my smile broke out, I was the happiest guy in that airport to see her again. I knew it was hard times, so I wasn't even going to bother her. I drove her to her house and let her have her space.

I only talked to her a couple times that couple weeks that she was home. Her boyfriend had followed soon after, and I was fine.

But I wasn't fine - in fact. I was a little pissed that I didn't get to spend much time with her. The truth of the matter was, I had almost forgotten about her in the middle of all of this. And now - I decided to put that chapter in the books and move on from that friendship. We'd still be friends and call each other on occation, but that was it, she had her own life to live.

And I was still hanging with Serena. It was this point, around Feb of this year, that I started getting kinda nervous about my living arrangements. For some reason, Bill didn't seem to like me all to much. He had some new girlfriend that happily waltzed in and began living at the house - for free. While I'm struggling, Bill is supporting his new girlfriend. I had to get outta there. Time was up for Bill and I and soon after I found out the truth about how he really felt about me.

I moved in with my Parents, and from that point on, it was hell.

Not because I lived with my parents. More because of the principle of having to go back. I had to sit there and mooch off of my parents and to this day I have nothing to show for it. I gained some bad spending habits and got further and further behind. Habits I'm still paying for today. Plus, it didn't help that Serena and I were fighting and then making up and fucking, fighting then making up then fucking - not her fault. We have major differences and I think lately they've been beginning to show through. But what's more, some one who I thought I got rid of, who I thought I let go and was out and on her own and out in Chicago doing her own thing, was back.

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I don't belive too closely in fate. I'd like to think that our lives are based on the choices we make and although there are consequences to every decision, we have control. I do however, think things happen for a reason. I mean I look back on these past three years and I see how everything connects. Everything has gone from being progression to almost perfection to the occational problems to the need for a life change. I see how I've grown and changed over the past three years and I realized that I'm not the same person I used to be. Sure I'm the same big dork and I still have the same values, that will never change. But I'm tougher now. I'm stronger. My head is screwed tightly on my shoulders and this time, this time I'm pointing in the right direction.

So, the future...

So here I am. I'm in a place now where I can just clean the slate. Take the time I need to clean up my life, make things better, and build a future for myself. It doesn't have to be here in Phoenix. People don't even like house music here in Phoenix. I need to get my life in order like I said I would three years ago and just go. No more half assed, almost started or almost finished projects. This time I'm going all the way. This time.

I'm not staying in Phoenix. I thought I would be able to create something here but there's nothing here for me. This is home base and I will keep it that way - I need to be out and about and I need a big ocean to wander in. So that's what I'm doing. I'm leaving. I've wanted to leave for so fuckin' long and I told myself no. I've asked myself, "should I go back to Delaware?" No. But I will go, away from here. I'm selling the car and buying a cheap k-car. It'll be enough to get me where I have to be and that's all I want. I'm gonna take some applied classes and get my grades up and find a college - that list is coming soon... colleges I'm looking at. I'm tired of sitting. I'm tired of being nobody. I'm tired of being a big fish in a small pond - I want to take on the ocean! But I have to start small... Like one of the annonymous comments... baby steps, right?

Fast, Easy, Elegant

Labor Day weekend. I always confuse it with Memorial Day weekend which is at the beginning of the summer. Isn't that convenient that there's two holidays, both at each end of summer? I mean, they could have put Memorial Day on the 12 of March, and Labor day in the middle of December - you know, that "holiday season?" But no, right there as if it was planned that way on each end of the summber - one to celebrate it's beginning, one for it's end. What do they mean anyway? What are we celebrating on Labor day? Is there a specific reason or is it an excuse for the Federal offices to close and have a barbeque? That seems to be the popular thing on these summer holidays - the Barbeque. Poppa bear sits up there behind his grill while the kiddies are in the pool, iced tea and beer flows and the dogs are playing fetch with the older sons. It's a big spectacle like it's expected - "hey J, ya havin' a BBQ this weekend?"

"No, Jerk-off, I stay inside where it's nice and cool, and I'll be eating a TV dinner."

But I did go to a barbeque this weekend. First, on Saturday it was off to the parent's house to pick up some old stuff. I had seen my parents the night before. My grandmother is in town and it truely was fun hanging out with them, playing cards, doing a lot of talking. We're not aloud to talk about Brian because he's on the Shit-list right now. Speaking of - I don't have much of a shit-list. What I'm trying to say is, I'm a pretty easy-going guy and it takes a LOT to get on to my Shit-list. There's a couple on the list right now, but the key thing is, once you're on the list - it takes a lot of work to get off the list. Same with my parent's Shit-list. You done f'd up if you got on that list, and I have a pretty good idea that Brian has found himself a comfortable spot on it.

So anyway, Saturday Jessica agreed to help me move the rest of my crap to my new home. There wasn't much there, just a couple boxes and a bike, we took it all in one trip. We hung out at the parents house for a little while. My mother LOVES Jess. She's a family friend. But I was talking to my mom the other day, and she told me that it's not so much that Jess is a better person or that my other friends are not good people - it's just that Jess is much more personable and outgoing. Although, I have always been under the opinion that my mother is a tough critic of the friends I bring around. But regardless, my mom was happy that I brought Jess to the house. It was then that we invited her and her mother to the house for the barbeque on Monday.

Anyway by the end of the night we finally got back to my house and unloaded the stuff - we hung out for a brief moment and then she left. I feel bad, too - because she could have stayed. I had mentioned to her that I talked to Caitlin, and that I was toying with the idea of taking the road-trip to her house (because I've never seen it.), and not that I think Jess was mad, but maybe a little miffed that I was kinda kicking her out so I can go do other things. It was a dumb idea anyway. No offense Caitlin, but I'm not going over there very often, unless we're going to party. But, I'm glad I got to see your house, it's very nice and your new hair color looks very cool. She colored her hair while I was there, watching American History X - which I had never seen, but I basically wanted to go kill myself after watching that, so that didn't help the party vibe! So after a couple beers I came home.

Sunday I had an event. It was a very long day. It was outside at this spooky little secret garden-type place, and I was sweating my nuts off in my tuxedo. What's worse - we couldn't even turn the music up because it was in a residential area. I wasn't very cool with that. But it was a success, even with the logistical problems - so who am I to complain?

The weekend seemed to fly by though, I mean before I knew it, it was Monday and the long weekend was almost over.

Let's talk about platonic friendships, first. A platonic friendship is when a guy and a girl are friends, and have no physical interaction between each other. So we're not talking about "friends with benefits," here. Past physical relation does apply however - like if you were having sex or making out with eachother before, but are now "just friends." Most of the time, however it simply to people of the opposite sex who love each other, but have no physical desire.

I have a couple of those. Emily and I have a platonic friendship, as does Jessica and I. Serena and I tried to have a platonic friendship, but we don't seem to have much success... however I'm working on that. Caitlin and I now have a platonic relationship - although I'm sure she wants to make out with me so that'll be crushed one day... ha ha I'm kidding. And I think we all have them with respective friends. But it is the great Chris Rock who said it best:

(This is not quoted because it is not exact, however this material is credit to Chris Rock) Woman always say - aw we just friends, we just friends. To men, women friends are just women they have not fucked YET. Not yet, cause sometimes you get with a girl and then you say the wrong thing and it sets off the friendship trigger. Then the guy has to wait to gain back that other track. But you see to women, girlfriends will come and go, boyfriends will come and go - but platonic friends, they'll keep them around for years and years. They keep them around just in case. Think about it guys, you mess up with your girlfriend she'll be fuckin' the guy you least expect - that platonic friend that's been hangin around. Cause to women a platonic friend is like a dick in a glass case. Break the glass in case of emergency.

Now that may not be all true - but I am a firm believer that it is close to being accurate - I don't think it's 100% possible to be friends with a girl and not have at least some physical attraction. But it is quite possible. Like I said - I don't have any physical feelings for Emily but I love her to death. At the same time, however, I can't seem to stop dipping my quill in some friendship ink on occation. ANYWAY - my point being is that it's actually tougher to have a friend that's the opposite sex, and not have any physical attraction to. For me, at least.

So, back to the subject. Monday Jess and her mother came over for the family bbq. It was a lot of fun, and actually it was a first as well. You see, Jess has always been really the family friend. But now, her mother is included as well. It was really nice to have her around, and to get to know her. My grandmother was still there, which may I add is a hoot. I say hoot because that's the only word that I can use to describe my grandmother's humor. It's a hoot! Hoot!

Dinner was fine, burgers and dogs, and some beens and such. Blah, blah, blah, that's all boring.

So then Jess and I hit the pool, my dad joined us as well. And after that it was over. Pretty uneventful, right? Well, sure - except for what was going through my mind the whole time.

Alright so here's the problem. My mom LOVES Jess, as I've said. I love her too, I mean she's been there for me, she's let me in and accepted me, and she's just... great to be around. Now I'll be honest - there was other things written in this area - Jess and I were gonna conjure up some lie to see what kind of comments we would get. But we got over our devious ways and she told me to tell the truth. So I'm gonna.

Serena said to me, before Jessica came, that she was afraid that once she got here that she would never see me again. Now as far off as that is - I truley haven't seen her very much since Jess has been home. It's not like I don't want to see her, it's just that I don't get much opportunity to see Jess. So I'm taking advantage of her being here. But really I've only even seen Jess like 3 times since she's been home. It's not like I'm constantly at her doorstep wanting to hang out with her. But still, I haven't made much effort to see anybody else. So let's talk about Friday for a second.

Friday I was over my parents house, and we were playing cards and talking. For some weird reason though, I could not stop thinking about what Jess was doing. You see, I knew she was having dinner with an old friend. "not a date," just dinner as she says. It was a guy, and from what I remember it was a guy that was one of those "platonic friends." But still, in the back of my mind there - I'm thinking, are they making out by now? What if he wisks her away and I never see her again? It was driving me crazy. So I'm driving home, going nuts cause I want to call her - but I didn't. I called Caitlin instead but she was busy... but then it was right about that time that I realized... I was jealous! I was jealous of this guy taking her to dinner. Regardless of any interest or anything I was jealous like a little fuckin' school boy. Come to find out she also had drinks with another guy friend that same day, who may I add she has mentioned to me about how gorgeous this guy is, and although some faults I believe they have a history - and although none of this is any of my business - I was jealous! It's not like I didn't see her or I don't think that I have any reason to be. Jess and I are friends and I couldn't possibly think there was anything there... but what if there was?! I would have had no idea had something gone on Friday night.

By the way I'm over it now. The jealousy is gone I guess, nothing happened between them and Jess. But I was still thinking about why I was jealous in the first place.

It didn't help that after Jess and her mom left on Monday that my mom sat there and raved about what a great girl she is. As if I don't know this already... oh and "her mom and I have so much in common! I had no idea!" she says. Which is all good things. I think that they are trying to get me to convince Jess to stay here in AZ. I couldn't do that to her. She deserves to be free to do what she wants to do and be who she wants to be with. However, lately, Jessica has been pushing me to leave AZ and come to Chicago...

...why Chicago? But then again...


...why not?