Where do I go from here?
How often do you have a turning point in your life? Is it every 10 years? Once a month? Once a day?
I think it's all day, everyday that's a turning point. Any time during your day you may make a decision that could change your life. It may be as simple as deciding to do laundry for the first time in two months, but that may just be what it takes to bring on a turning point. Someone once said
"The choices we make dictate the life we lead."
Absolutely right. Why else do I think anytime can be a turning point? It's because the "road of life" ain't exactly straight and wide. No, in fact it's full of twists and turns and bumps and hills, with obstacles that you must get through in order to live on. We face demons and enemies every day, too. Our fears show through every day that we are alive, and it's our choice to hide from them or face them. If we face them, that road may just straighten out a little bit.
I reached another turning point today. This is one of many I've had the past couple years, beyond Serena, Bill, Caitlin, Jessica - even Arizona. I started changing somewhere around July 23, 2001 - as I was taking my oath of allegience to the Army Reserves. Nothing was serious until that point. Everything was a game and I was behind the controller. After that point I had no control, turns out that even since then I haven't had much control either. The problem is, I want to fit in. I do, I want to fit in and be liked by millions and be everything that's popular and then change again when the seasons do. I love having friends, I love feeling accepted and being praised for whatever I'm doing. I think a lot of people do, I mean we all like the glamour of fame and glory... That's why there's so many movies out there and why celebrities are always in the news. We love it. We want to be like these people and dress and act like them - and we do.
But I didn't realize that I would lose sight of who I really am.
The problem is I really don't know who I am. I have likes and dislikes, opinions, feelings... but nothing really defines who I am or shows off my personality that speaks "Hey, this is me. I am this."
I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day. She's a little older than me so I can respoect her thoughts as "someone who knows better," and she tells me something that made me realize that maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. She told me that I try too hard, way too hard and the honesty of it is that I don't really need to. She told me that I'm great just the way I am and I don't need to change to fit in, in fact - that I should just be me and if people don't like it then they can go fuck themselves - or something like that.
It felt good. She was drunk - but it did make me think a little bit about things I do. I work my ass off for people. I really like people around me and being social with new and exciting faces makes me happy... but I thought about it, when was the last time anyone invited me out? I mean, when was the last time I wasn't trying to put a bunch of people together to hang out. I shouldn't have to do that! I should be asked on dates occationally, I don't want to have to chase women around because I'm an "acquired taste" and it takes like 4 months of getting to know me to finally like me.
In all this thinking - that's where I realized that I need to change... change back. I think what she was saying to me is that I'm likeable just being happy, that I may not be liked by millions but that's OK - that I can start with one and work my way up from there. I should just find out what I like and maybe there'll be others that share the same things.
So what next? Well I think it's time for some hard work. I told Serena the other day that she needs to focus on herself for once. I was right - she needs too, but she's not the only one. I need some time for myself as well - to focus on what I would like to see out of my life, where I want to go... realistic goals that I can obtain tomorrow or by the end of the week - and get bigger from there. Most of all - I need to be happy with who I am and not worry so much about what people think about me. Why should I care? Is it because I'm a DJ and a face infront of many so I have to worry about my image? Screw that - I'm my own image, unique and special, I'll be what I want to be and maybe that's just what I need to make it to the top.
I'm sure this sounded like a lot of rambling but I think I just needed to get all down in black and white so I can remember.
The moral of this story is - Love yourself, and Love others, and others will Love you for it.
1 comment:
I don't think you try too hard, J. And honestly, I don't think that Mel knows you well enough to know either way. Yeah we both know I don't like her, but really it has nothing to do with that.
You would like everyone to like you. I think it's a character flaw in just about every human being on earth. We are social beings.
It seems to me though, that you only try too hard when it comes to things like...well this last weekend's Arizona Idol madness. You got there and you were like, "I really don't care if I win.." and I noticed that as the day went on, you became more and more worried about it. I've never seen you at an audition before this one and all I have to say is that it reminded me of the days in high school when I used to do debate and speech stuff and I used to talk to walls and do all these other exercises and tricks to make me "better" at it. I watched you do that over and over and your mood - and mine - went downhill.
I did that stuff until it just wasn't fun for me anymore. And in the time I've known you, I've actually watched you get more serious. You always told me that I needed to lighten up. And now here you are saying that life isn't a game anymore.
I think the one thing I've learned from you is that you have to laugh and not take things so seriously all the time because it makes life no fun. Taking time for yourself is important. But I don't think you need it to figure out who you really are. I'm pretty sure you've got that nailed down already.
You do need to care what people think of you. But not so much that it makes things that are supposed to be fun, into things that are monotonous and boring.
As far as I've seen, the only one you try too hard with is me. You try so hard to please me and it's half the reason we fight. You seem to think I need to you be something specific.
Nobody needs you to be anything but you. And if that *does* mean you try too hard, so fucking what? That's why so many people like you in the first place. So what if you don't have women flocking to you yet? You will.
There's nothing wrong with being an "aquired taste".
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