You're Not Cool If Your Car Has No Brakes

And no money to fix them. You know just once I'd like to have absolutely no problems in my life. Just for a day. I want a boring, no event, sleep all day, no bills, nothing breaking down, no sickness, no friendship problems, no girl problems, no work problems, nothing to move, nothing to clean, nothing to work towards. Everything I want to see on TV is on, without commercials, and if they must play commercials then they are required to be the funniest Superbowl commercials ever. Now that would be a day. Finish it off with a perfectly cooked steak dinner and sex with a supermodel porno star and I got myself a perfect day! I would eat all the frosted flakes and doritos I want. Mixed with as much beer as I can take and that's a lot because in my perfect day there's no pass-out drunk...On the most comfortable reclining chair (for a nap). I'll wear my nastiest, over-worn clothes and look damn sexy in it. Not a blemish on my face and razor burn didn't even cross my mind. The dog sits nicely next to me waiting for my next command of "go to the kitchen and grab me another cold one." When I wake up I'll be significantly skinnier, and the muscles I had years ago suddenly showed up again. Every two hours ago instead of calls from bill collectors I'd get calls from long-lost friends looking to catch up on things. But I wouldn't talk to them long, which they understood, they wouldn't want to bother me too much in my perfect day. Another phone call that comes in would be my agent, in conference with my manager, letting me know that my first album just reached platinum and I don't even have to go on tour to promote it. They'd thank me for their cut and offered to buy me dinner, but I declined - cause it'll be on me. But, that's another day when my perfect day is over. And I won't mind that my perfect day is over cause all I want is one day. Just one.

But in life we don't have days like this. Even superstars with all the money in the world who actually do have sex with supermodels on a daily basis don't have perfect days like this. There's always something.

And you know what? I don't even care about most of that. I don't have to have a supermodel girlfriend - who would want a pretentious, throw-up after I eat, we can't fuck cause I have a shoot in the morning, stuck up girlfriend? Those chicks care more about their body than some guys do about their cars. I want a down-to-earth, sweet, give-and-take, doesn't take my shit kinda girl. I want a girl that tells me to wake up and get the fuck outta the clouds and get to work. But then I want her to tell me that she's proud of me when I've done it - and make sweet love to me as if I was king. Then do it all over again. I want an independent woman, but some one who still could use me around every now and then. She doesn't have to be drop-dead gorgeous, just herself and she has to like who she is and not always worry about 'being fat' or what she eats. Fuck all that. Eat up! Drink a beer! Kick back and enjoy life a little, ladies! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - and THIS beholder thinks personality counts for a lot. Porno stars help, too... :) Kidding.

And I don't want all the money in the world. I just want enough to pay the bills, have a little fun, and go to my own home so I can sleep soundly. What's that song? Mo' Money Mo' Problems? I believe it. Clowns callin' me up askin for some more dough - I'm earning every dollar and damnit I'll spend it. I've been to a point now when i'm tired of being broke - I'm tired of having terrible credit and no way of digging it out. I'm tired of not being able to pay for things when I want them.

Like my car - I love my car. It's a 2004 Honda Civic. I got a terrible deal on it. I pay $380 a month for it. I coulda bought a Lexus for that much. My insurance is the same, $310 a month, because I got in an accident last year that cost them $9,600.00 in repairs. Now the brakes have gone bad and I have no money to pay for them. Oh - whoa is me, you say, poor DJ boy has two jobs that pays a shit load and lives in a big house and can't pay for anything. It's true - I have a spending problem. Not on gambling or strippers, no... On food. Food and drink. Then the bars. The rest goes to mountains of bills that have been racked up. I said to myself - Damn just a $1000 would put back on track. So when I got a $1000? Yeah, it did nothing. OK, so I'm not miles and miles in debt, all I am is late - for everything, in need of some catch-up. Bad luck? No, it's more lile bad habits.

That's not all though, money is not my only problem. And by the way, I'm sorry this is more like a bitch-session than an update - I need these occasionally. I've used up my bitch-at-friends resources and I don't like dumping on people (cause I do it all the time) so I'm dumping on you, the reader.

Now there's family problems too. My brother, Brian, has decided that it's his way or the highway and now my parents aren't talking to him. I don't even feel like getting into that. He says he feels so great it in. It doesn't help that because I'm "part of the family" I'm often associated with his sour-puss behavior. Sometimes this is true - but I certainly don't want to be a part of the battle-royal between children and parents. I still owe them like $700 bucks, anyway.

I've always had girl problems. I think the problem is that I don't really know what I want. Like, I want a girlfriend, but I don't want to commit to anything big yet - cause I'm not ready and I'm only 22-23 years old. (I'm getting close to 23 here folks, give me a break) And plus, I don't know what girls feel. I don't know if making out with a girl even means anything any more. Someone (ahem!) asked me the other day, why I make out with drunk girls. Well, because according to these drunk girls - they LIKE me, but they're only ATTRACTED to me when they're drunk. I've gotten that a couple times before. So it's whatev. It's no Big D. I'll make out with those drunk girls for some temporary fulfillment and in hopes of one day she's not as drunk and she'll remember what a great kisser I am, then maybe she'll try kissing me when she's sober. Maybe I'll get some balls and ask a few of these out on dates and have them drink soda all night. You don't lose judgment on a sugar high.

But as I said, it's whatever. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, I have a whole big life to work on. Companionship, yes. Some sex, absolutely. Both of those coming from the same person would be nice, too.

And send me some damn money!!

Sleepless in Chicago

Upon arriving home from LA on Sunday, I had plans to grab Serena's truck and have the both of us drive to my parents house to pick up a canopy for the bed. We had taken it off more than a week ago, so she can help me move - and it had been sitting in my parents garage since then. Needless to say they're not very happy with it sitting there for so long.

So anyway we get to her house and, there's no truck. Our first thought, with it having expired tags and being double parked that it was politely towed away and it sitting in a lot somewhere. Well it wasn't, meaning it was stolen by someone and to this day it's wandering around Arizona somewhere. So there I was, with an extremely unlucky Serena, somebody upstairs has got to be mad at her because nobody seems to be on her side. I try to be, but I can only be there part of the time, this girl needs some full-time coverage. So I waited with her for the cops to come and helped with the police report. There wasn't much else I could do for her. But, I let her borrow my phone in the even that the cops called with info on the truck. Nobody did. It sucked not having my phone - but I guess it sucked worse to not have a car either. But she would call me and she would be so helpless. I'm like dude! I can't do anything about it! Then she gets so damn negative I just want to scream! She wonders why I get defensive sometimes, wouldn't you?

All I'm saying is that I can't handle it sometimes. Little problems, every now and then are OK, Even BIG problems, occationally the will happen, and I'll be there for them. But literally everything, everyday, sucks for Serena and I've got nothing to give her! I would like to just give her $10K in cash and say, problem solved, be happy now... but we all know that ain't happening. We all have to take care of ourselves, through the worst times and the best times. Sure you'll need someone every now and again, and you'll want someone around to share the good times, but you have to be number one to you. If that made any sense...

So I went home - I didn't bother going to my parents house now. But that damn cap is still sitting there and my parents are getting a bit restless. Plus all my shit is still there. I moved out to Goodyear and left all my boxes in the garage at my parents garage. My dad was a little upset today when I talked to him about that.

Anyway - another thing that bothers me is that it almost seems as if she relies on me to decide what ever she does tonight, and to make other decisions for her as well. She'll get angry when I tell her I'm too tired or I have to be somewhere else or that I already made plans with Jessica. Her thing is that she "wants to include me on everything." I'm still waiting for the day she turns me down. We don't have to hang out everyday - she says she knows that. But she still gets upset when we don't - she says she doesn't. To be honest - I don't LIKE seeing my friends every damn day, I get tired of them. They get tired of me - we bicker and that's just no fun. I'm glad she enjoys spending time with me - I REALLY am - cause she doesn't believe me. I just can only take so much these days. But then I'll really have a reason that I can't see her - and I'll tell her this reason, and she'll pull out "Just tell me that you don't want to hang out with me tonight. " No... I don't think I mentioned that as being the reason that I COULDN'T hang with you... it's just so nerve-racking and I'm defensless against it because I do enjoy my time with her if she would stop accusing me of lying or being negative and whatever else.

Whew! Sorry about that - my brain just thinks it and I just type it. Anyway back to the story. So Thursday I tried to help more by inviting her over to the new house. I went there to pick up my phone (finally) and I offered to drive her down to the house, and of course, drive her back. I didn't have to do that - but I did - why? Cause I care, that's why!

But Friday was the more eventful eve.

Jessica is in town - I don't think I mentioned this. She's been living in Chicago as you all know - and recently had some boy problems that I won't get into, but due to some undisclosed cercumstances she is visiting here for some time. It's nice to have her around, I've mentioned before how close we are, when we're around eachother. We're both so independent though - that's not as often as it used to be. She came home on Monday, I knew she was coming by last Sunday - at LEAST I knew before she arrived instead of me finding out once she's been home for a month! ;)

So, after a week of wondering when I'm gonna get the chance to see my best friend - she came over to the house. I'd have to say that I was very impressed. First off, I've always thought Jess was a very beautiful girl, but she stepped outta that car on Friday and damnit she was HOT. She's ultra skinny - but not boney - she cut her hair... which by the way, I noticed with the first minute of seeing her (eat it, Caitlin I do notice!). She looked really, really good. After a tour of the house it was off to a local pub for a little while to meet up with Brian and his new female friend. We sang some Karaoke, and had some drinks. I had forgotten what a lightweight she was! Damn it was so much fun, though. We all went back to the house and partied a little more. But all great nights must come to an end! Turns out she had to be up early for shopping with her Mom and Sister the next day - she only got about 5 hours of sleep - sorry Jess!

We did talk about an awful lot. It got me to do a lot of thinking - am I really good enough? Can I really just get up there and do it? I think so. In fact - I think it's time I start making some big decisions, and taking some risks - who knows, maybe I'll end up in Chicago myself!

A toast, to happiness and laughter. Cheers.

Holiday Inns

So I made it into the Arizona Idol Top 30, but I didn't make it any farther than that. I did get a chance to sing at the Dodge theater though, which is a gorgeous theater. We all got our 30 seconds of fame up there, on the big stage, which let me say is a wet dream for any techie out there. It has tons of fly space, and just about 100 different curtains and lifts and things that I wanted to just lift up and down and see what happens! But I wasn't in the crew and I don't think they would have liked that. But I did get to sing infront of a live audience, and be judged by some successful people in the music business. Of course I think I got the shaft on comments. The guy said, and I quote: "A great voice, but for Broadway... next stop New York." OK - thanks for the compliment - but what about THE THING I WAS AUDITIONING FOR?? Jesus... Anyway I had fun, and that was a chance of a lifetime being backstage for that show. By the way let me add that there were some VERY beautiful young ladies there, some that were much too young for me, but others... wow...

But I didn't win anything so that's over and I moved on since then. That night, I was gonna go home, but my brother Brian dragged me out for a celebratory drink at a local undergroud pub. This had to have been the funniest part of the night, as my brother is pimping me out to the random people in the bar on how great I am and that I was singing at the dodge theater that night. Some great quotes from him:

"Dude you were off your ass tonight!"
"Justin, I'm biased I know, but as someone who knows music as much as I do, that was an incredible performance."
"Justin, I'm telling you, you're gonna make fucking millions!"

And my favorite:

"I can't believe I just paid $13 to see you friggin' sing for 30 seconds!"

Anyway, I went home shortly after and that was it, my Arizona Idol days were over.

***********************************

Then Friday came - so many things happened last week I couldn't describe how busy I was, but I was really happy that I had so many great things to do. From Dodge Theater to Friday and my next MC event, it was time to shine in talents I actually got paid for.

This event didn't go as well as my first, in my opinion.. although - the guests and more importantly the bride and parents had a blast. Thank goodness, because I was WAY off on Friday night. I learned a few good lessons though. I need to work on my conversation with the guests, and my speech - it's hard when they're right infront of me. This is yet another reason why I'm considering the radio - no one in front of me! I also have to work on pre-planning a little better. So, next time should be a good time - we will see.

I went right to bed afterwards because Saturday was a big day.

************************************

A day in LA

SO - I woke up early and got to Serena's house - we had a long drive ahead. On tuesday the good news came in that I had won tickets to go see DJ Tiësto in concert. I was stoked. Tiësto is the MAN and from what I heard his concerts were second to none. So we drove up, the drive is great, on the way from Phoenix to LA you bypass the Wind Farm, which is like 1,000 windmills scattered throughout the rolling hills of the Palm Springs area. It truley is a sight to see. It looks like something from a sci-fi movie. Once you're past those - the drive gets a little tougher - I had to turn on my "LA driving mentality," meaning I had to drive like a maniac on a winding, yet more congested road. The road also became like it was paved in the early 1800's because since then the traffic has been so bad they wouldn't dare set up a detour. So much like an indy car driver, I weave my way into the city. That's when things got even more confusing. I mean - I thought Phoenix was bad, but I got so used to the straight roads and simple numbering system... this was a big problem.

I get to where I'm supposed to be, the LA arena, but now we have to find a place to sleep. So I 'hooks a left' on Figueroa, thinking there's gotta be something down here. I was right - Compton was down here. I guess the Arena is approx. 5 miles north of the most-notoriously-dagerous-for-a-white-guy neighborhoods. I quickly turned around and went the other way.

Luckily I found something, a Holiday Inn that looked to me like a Westin and I think my words were, I don't care how much we're staying.

The concert was FUCKING INCREDIBLE. Tiësto pumped it out for about 4 hours, mixed with dancers, fire, and a spectacular light show. The whole floor was lit like a dancefloor, and it often looked like one, with about 7,000 dancers all bouncing to the same beat. Kirsty Hawkshaw was there. Who had any idea that she was hot? Damn she came out and I was like whoa...

It went on until about 1:30 and he ended with adagio for strings (a re-edit of that song is used as my website intro theme). Very powerful. Can you believe that at the end of every show this guy throws into the audience a $150 pair of Sony headphones? That's some major money right there. Tiësto is the #1 DJ in the world, rated by TheDJList.com, among others. His music is a powerful trance, often with a kickin' bassline that can rumble your spine. He likes using a lot of synth pads, giving him an industrial-techno sound. I believe he resides in Holland, although he is Greek, his most famous set being to the Parade of Athletes for the Athens 2004 Olympic games. Stand back Olympic Symphony and Choir, here comes techno!

After the show, it was time to rest up for the trip home, but we had to find a cab first. By the time we did we could have walked home, but oh well... it was a great time.

Anyway, I must go - there's more to this story but I will save it for another day.

Peace.

Where do I go from here?

How often do you have a turning point in your life? Is it every 10 years? Once a month? Once a day?

I think it's all day, everyday that's a turning point. Any time during your day you may make a decision that could change your life. It may be as simple as deciding to do laundry for the first time in two months, but that may just be what it takes to bring on a turning point. Someone once said

"The choices we make dictate the life we lead."

Absolutely right. Why else do I think anytime can be a turning point? It's because the "road of life" ain't exactly straight and wide. No, in fact it's full of twists and turns and bumps and hills, with obstacles that you must get through in order to live on. We face demons and enemies every day, too. Our fears show through every day that we are alive, and it's our choice to hide from them or face them. If we face them, that road may just straighten out a little bit.

I reached another turning point today. This is one of many I've had the past couple years, beyond Serena, Bill, Caitlin, Jessica - even Arizona. I started changing somewhere around July 23, 2001 - as I was taking my oath of allegience to the Army Reserves. Nothing was serious until that point. Everything was a game and I was behind the controller. After that point I had no control, turns out that even since then I haven't had much control either. The problem is, I want to fit in. I do, I want to fit in and be liked by millions and be everything that's popular and then change again when the seasons do. I love having friends, I love feeling accepted and being praised for whatever I'm doing. I think a lot of people do, I mean we all like the glamour of fame and glory... That's why there's so many movies out there and why celebrities are always in the news. We love it. We want to be like these people and dress and act like them - and we do.

But I didn't realize that I would lose sight of who I really am.

The problem is I really don't know who I am. I have likes and dislikes, opinions, feelings... but nothing really defines who I am or shows off my personality that speaks "Hey, this is me. I am this."

I was talking with a good friend of mine the other day. She's a little older than me so I can respoect her thoughts as "someone who knows better," and she tells me something that made me realize that maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am. She told me that I try too hard, way too hard and the honesty of it is that I don't really need to. She told me that I'm great just the way I am and I don't need to change to fit in, in fact - that I should just be me and if people don't like it then they can go fuck themselves - or something like that.

It felt good. She was drunk - but it did make me think a little bit about things I do. I work my ass off for people. I really like people around me and being social with new and exciting faces makes me happy... but I thought about it, when was the last time anyone invited me out? I mean, when was the last time I wasn't trying to put a bunch of people together to hang out. I shouldn't have to do that! I should be asked on dates occationally, I don't want to have to chase women around because I'm an "acquired taste" and it takes like 4 months of getting to know me to finally like me.

In all this thinking - that's where I realized that I need to change... change back. I think what she was saying to me is that I'm likeable just being happy, that I may not be liked by millions but that's OK - that I can start with one and work my way up from there. I should just find out what I like and maybe there'll be others that share the same things.

So what next? Well I think it's time for some hard work. I told Serena the other day that she needs to focus on herself for once. I was right - she needs too, but she's not the only one. I need some time for myself as well - to focus on what I would like to see out of my life, where I want to go... realistic goals that I can obtain tomorrow or by the end of the week - and get bigger from there. Most of all - I need to be happy with who I am and not worry so much about what people think about me. Why should I care? Is it because I'm a DJ and a face infront of many so I have to worry about my image? Screw that - I'm my own image, unique and special, I'll be what I want to be and maybe that's just what I need to make it to the top.

I'm sure this sounded like a lot of rambling but I think I just needed to get all down in black and white so I can remember.

The moral of this story is - Love yourself, and Love others, and others will Love you for it.

A Weekend Off

I didn't have an event this weekend - which turned out to be a good excuse to go out and party and waste all my money.

Just a quick thing about me and money. I have a terrible spending habit - and I have no money now because of that. I am working on it, however - I'm going to simply make more money and spend the same amount.

So somewhere around Tuesday I decided since I didn't have an event, to go and try my singing legs at the Arizona Idol Auditions this past Saturday. So the theme of this weekend huddled around that audition and it all started Friday night.

Friday - The Rehearsal

So after work I grabbed a haircut from V's in Keirland Commons in Scottsdale. I love V's barber shop - it's great, it's got the old style comfort chairs with TVs and they take their time and shave you with the straight razor - it's very nice. Not your typical $10-12 haircut. I got a shave and a haircut, but this time since the barber had an appointment he forgot about when he took me, he went into hyper-cut mode and rushed through. It still came out nice - and I know you could care less about my haircut... I just wanted to share my not-as-good experience with V's this time.

Anyway so after the haircut it was off to Shannon's house to pick her up to go out. We were all headed to the Grapevine for some food and karaoke in honor of my coworker Tiffany's birthday. Shannon is also a co-worker of mine, and also a friend, we've hung out a couple times at bars and talked about stuff. Also coming with us was Mel, who I believe I may have spoken about before. But if not, let me recap.

Mel is also a co-worker, a very beautiful young lady with a very outgoing personality. We met when she joined us at the office - I got to know her basically the very same night at happy hour months ago. This was also one of the first nights I went out with Shannon. Mel was very nice, very personable. After talking to her for what seemed to be hours - I knew she had great potential. That was until, she rode off with some biker at the end of the night that she never met. No worries though, I wasn't all that angry. I was just a little dissapointed in the whole thing. It didn't help that soon after we got more and more distant from eachother, and then finally - she was gone...

Until recently when she finally came back to the office. She had cut her hair and even though I don't know what happened to her, it was kinda nice to have her back.

You see she has a small reputation only to REALLY like me when she's been drinking. She can drink the entire world wide web under the table and when she does, man does she get nuts! And it's gets especially fun when she sets in on me - maybe cause I'm REALLY easy but regardless I do enjoy it a lot to have an older women hangin on me, and Friday was no exception.

So Friday night I let everyone know that I was leaving early because I had to get up extra early for this damn audition... that really didn't happen. The night only got crazier as between Tiff and Shannon and Mel, and friends, we had about 65 drinks... no lies. Karaoke was fun, and after a rousing rendition of "happy birthday to you" from all of us, the party continued on until about 11:30. That's where things started going a little south. Serena was there, who was fine at first - but started getting excrutiatingly jealous of Mel, who was indeed all over me that night, and became outwardly noticeable of her dis-taste for Mel. After repeadedly asking "are you ok? come on, what's wrong?" I would get my favorite answer from Serena "Nothing, I'm fine."

That was until she just about stormed out because she'd had enough, and proceeded to fight with me - in public - about how I'm disgusting and how it's not right and how I don't react the same way when she hangs all over me and stuff.

I didn't have much of an answer for that - but I do now, but I'm gonna say it later.

So after she left we hung out just a little longer and took off, all for shannon's place at about 11:45. Well that quickly ended. After we all piled into my civic, Mel insisted on sitting in the front so she can flirt with me some more. At that point, Shannon wasn't having much fun anymore. Forced to sit in my tiny back seat I could see her looks from my rear-view. I drove slowly because I knew I wasn't going to be driving everyone to her house. Sure enough, Shannon all of a sudden felt kinda sick - and I ended up driving the other three home.

So after they left and I got a hug from them all, I drove Shannon home.

However, and I'm sure Mel doesn't remember this, before we left she and I had a nice talk outside. We sat out there for I guess about 20-30 minutes just talking about stuff. Now, Serena thinks we were making out the whole time which is far from the truth, we were actually talking most of the time. It was only at the end when we swapped a couple kisses and that was it. I kinda wonder if Mel even remembers any of it.

On the way back to Shannon's house, we talked about stuff as well. It seemed to be a night of discussions. But, it was a great night and despite some dissagreements I think it was a great and fun success.

Saturday - Time to Wake up

Saturday morning came quicker than I imagined. The line for Arizona Idol started forming at 5am. I woke up about 6:30. To save phone energy I turned it off, because my charger was at my new home in Goodyear. So turning it on I find two messages. The first was Mel at about 12:45am, in her drunk-dial calls me and reminds me that I'm the greatest singer in the world or something like that. The second message, Serena, 5:45am from the Arizona Idol line. She must not have gotten my text message. So there she was, my best friend standing in line for me waiting for me to show up. Well I got dressed and got there about 7am.

Now if she didn't sound like a crazed wife that morning I don't know what does. "So where'd you go last night, huh?" Was her greeting to me. Followed by, "I can't beleive you would stay out all night, probably making out with Mel some more" or something like that. That second quote may not be accurate. Let me remind you that this is IN LINE in front of hundreds of people at full voice. I was very embarrased and I don't think I should have been since I didn't do anything wrong. So after that point we simply stood in line, and waited and waited to get through it. After getting my number we went BACK in line to stand some more, now in numerical order. This time I was out in the sun and man was it hot out there. Finally, after a while we were all inside, and the show began.

Everyone had 30 seconds to impress the judges. The top 30 individuals that did so moved on to the next round. Well I waited for my turn and I got up there and sang my heart out. I was pretty happy with my performance, and I think the audience liked it as well. I'll let you know what happened later.

After that I went home. My parents were having a little crab-eating festival of east-coast bay crabs... I love crabs. But I was really tired... so I wasn't very sociable. But people were over so I tried to stick around but soon I found myself on the couch asleep.

It was a good thing, too, because next was out and about to Flux and Sky Lounge in Downtown Phoenix. That is always a great time and my girl DJ Lysa D was workin the mix so I had to go and check it out. I headed out to Serena's house about 8:00 and let Michele know what I was doing.

Have I told you about Michele? Ok, I'll put her in meet the cast this week. She's gotta be one of the sweetest girls I know, that is on top of her being extremely hot. She works with me at SKM, and trust me, whenever she's around it means a good time.

So she meets us at the club. Now, when Serena and I get there it's pretty dead. In fact we're 2 of about 5 people upstairs. Also, our favorite bartender that always hooked us up with free drinks, in addition to her being smokin hot had quit, so, we had to pay for everything. No, Excuse me, I had to pay for everything. So we're hangin out having a good time. Lysa is on the decks and I swear we're on the same wavelength sometimes. I walk over to the booth and I tell the guy there to tell Lysa that "Justin says play President House." I walk back and I see her standing back up, laughing - she already had it in her hands. Of course during this song, which happens to be my favorite, this guy comes over the mic and starts yapping away - completely misses the post and talks over about half the song. Thanks, buddy.

So then Michele gets there and that's just about when the party starts really kickin'. Lysa Spins until about 12, when Michele and Serena decide that they're going to the bathroom to talk for about 45 mother-fucking minutes! So I'm stuck there at the bar just hangin out - bored as shit. Before that, after Lysa was done she came out and talked to me. She let me know she still hasn't listened to my demo - while it's blaring over the airwaves on DancePhoenix every Friday evening and uploaded onto my website at DJJPhoenix.com. We had a good little conversation about stuff, and maybe she'll come around and start helping me out. That's a pretty big maybe, though.

So finally the girls come back. Michele then proceeds to tell me about her boy problems. All I'm thinking to myself is "god leave this fuckin' loser and take me take me take me!!" But anyway, I politely listened. This guy hangs out with her all the time. Michele has given bookoo opurtunity to seal the deal. So the other night they're hanging out at her house until like 6am just talking about stuff and having fun. Then Michele says to this guy, "hey I'm tired, let's go to my room and lay down." Let me repeat that, "HEY, GUY, LET'S GO TO MY ROOM SO YOU CAN FUCK MY BRAINS OUT!!" I mean seriously, wide open. WIDE open. So what do they do? They cuddle for about 6 hours. Finally, Michele, who has dropped every clue in the world - I mean even my blind ass could have seen this coming - made a move for him. So she started nuzzling up to him and soon after they start making out. OK, wake-up sex is good, too... but what happens? Nothing! Finally Michele sits up and she's like, "hey, i want you to know I've had a crush on you for a very long time." Well he comes back with "......."

Basically he says that he just never felt that way about her, that he feels like he doesn't deserve her because she's way too hot. This is true - she is way hot, however, if she likes you dude that means you DESERVE her! Have some damn confidence! I'd be damn thankful to have a woman like her. If she likes me the way I am then that's the biggest friggin' ego boost I can have. I'd be pretty proud of myself. But I must be standing alone on this one because this other guy doesn't like her "that way." This is very dissapointing.

So anyway we have this talk. And by the way - I know the guy, but I pinky-swore that I wouldn't say who it is so I won't. I just hope he doesn't read this. So to clarify, I do like this guy, I'm just a little dissapointed. I mean, in his defense, he would much rather be just friends with her instead of screwing things up with a relationship - which I respect - but dude this is a chance of a lifetime. You know that you're not gonna have a girl as good as her come around, I say risk it!

All in all, it was a very good night. Until, again, the end when it started going south again. I'm not going to get into many details, but it panned out into several of the same conversations Serena and I always have. After Michele is gone, we start getting into thse discussions, which normally turn into big fights. Such as this one. I don't even remember what the fuck it was about. I've had it so many times I don't even know what to say anymore. She doesn't trust me yet I'm her best friend. I turst her, yet she doesn't believe that. She thinks I'm sleeping around, but I don't. And she "wants to spend the rest of her life with a guy just like me."

OK that freaks me out. Because she can easily say then "I want to spend the rest of my life with you." I mean isn't that a good translation? That's rediculous! Do not say anything like that to a guy that's a friend that has tried over and over to get over the fact that she still wants to be with me. I have built a trust around this thought, knowing that this was just a friendship and nothing more, and she hits me with that line! What am I supposed to believe huh? Then she goes on to have the nerve to ask me to swear that I haven't slept with anyone else. Even worse.

The biggest problem, is that I'm bored with Serena. I really am, and she's gonna read this and FREAK OUT! But it's true, it's always the same thing, then, we fight, and not talk, and then we go do the same thing again. We fight EVERY DAY. EVERY DAMN DAY. I'm so tired of it. In addition, she'll think i'm mad and ignoring her when I'm really not - I can't exactly have much communication with her when she has no phone and no email unless she's at school. So I'm hardly ignoring her. Yet again I'm so frustrated with this girl who self proclaims that I'm her best friend and I'm not so sure. I like her, I really do, she does a lot for me - I I honestly beleive that a lot of the things she does for me is just because I'm a friend of hers... but then she tells me how much she's changed so I would like her more. WHY? FUCK THAT!

That's what Mel and I talked about. Basically it came down to FUCK what people think about you and be yourself. Stop trying to be accepted. Why change? You were perfectly happy with you yesterday, why aren't you happy today?

So why do I like it when other girls hang all over me and not when Serena does? Other girls are new, confidence building. Serena has been hanging all over me for a year now and personally it's gotten old. I don't want to use her for sex or anything like that, I would just like to have a friend that I can talk to that DOESN'T want to screw me. Can it be Serena? Sure. I'll find other women to sleep with that don't have as much emotional attachment to me. Maybe I'll find a girlfriend worth keeping. Will I see Serena less? Probably, but that doesn't mean that I don't still care about her or think about her. She doesn't believe that though... Some best friend.

I was a little upset Saturday night at that 45 minute conversation in the bathroom. Not because I think Serena and Michele were doing anything in there... it's just more to the effect that Serena meets Michele and hits it off with her right away. This is fine, I'm glad the get along, but - I feel like I may be pushed asside for their new found friendship and I felt a little threatened by that. Plus, Serena, who during this conversaton was trying to set up a little three way action with me and Michele. I'm sorry Serena, it's a nice thought, but first I don't know if Michele would go for something like that and second, she's not interested in me like that, and third - If she was interested, I want her for me - not for us. Serena I'm trying to find someone new for a reason, I need someone new. No, it's not gonna be Michele, not even Mel. But it'll be someone - it'll give me a change of pace and a change of scene.

I don't know if you'll ever understand how I feel. I try to explain it the best I can - but you get so fucking defensive with excuses and comebacks about things I do wrong as if everything is my fault. Sometimes it may be, but I think you do that because everytime I say something you think I'm never going to talk to you again. Serena, I'm going to talk to you again. I promise. Stop defending yourself and just go with the flow. Things change, if you stop worrying about me so much maybe you'll see that it'll change for the better. You say you can't do that. Well I'm asking you to. I need you to release me a little bit. You have this kung-fu grip on me and I don't like it very much.

Basically I don't like being around you because you always get mad at me. If you're always getting mad at me - why the fuck do you come out with me? Oh, because I invite you, because you get pissed off when I don't invite you.

Anyway, sorry about that - That was basically the conversation from Saturday night at 5 in the morning. I went home with her crying, like I'm gonna be able to do something about it. I'm so FUCKING tired of all of that emotion. CHILL OUT!! RELAX!! GRR!!!

So Sunday after a well-deserved sleep, I got up and ran a bunch of stuff over to my new home. I can't wait to get all moved in. I did a live broadcast of the Sunday Drunx Show - but, I wasn't very drunk so it wasn't much of a show. But, speaking of the Radio - I thought that may be the place to go in this world. It would be great exposure - so I'm looking into a radio broadcasting major with minor in music. I'll keep you posted on that stuff.

OK, I'm done. Mel, I gotta get drunk with you babe. Michele - I need to talk to you about 'girl problems' and Serena, I'm sorry, I hope you understand, we'll talk more soon.

Good day to you all.

In The Pool

Sometimes I feel like I've never been really great at anything, that my life has been filled with mediocrety but I do nothing about it. Being happy medium isn't a bad thing, unless you're name is Justin Chapin, who has enormous dreams with no knowledge on how to catch them. I've been a dreamer all my life, always conjuring up massive thoughts in hopes that one day they will fall on my lap. In this world, they never will.

After sleeping just about all day, I decided to go outside and join my parents in their pool. They have a very nice pool and it seems to get significantly warm during the day. As I was wading around I began talking with my mom about my life and what I want to do with it. For some reason, this time I actually wanted to talk about it. We discussed things that I've done so far, how my DJing has been the first thing in the world that I've ever really pushed myself towards; we also talked about how I'm gonna make it to the top.

The problem is that I don't really know.

I've kicked around a few ideas, here and there - but nothing ever became serious to me. I've thought about broadcasting school, which would be really interesting to me, I think the radio is a place I would like to see myself for a while... but that wasn't where I wanted to end up. I thought that maybe just taking some classes locally here would be good for me, but again - not enoough.

The thought that has been crossing my mind a little bit more lately is actually taking the plunge, and going back to college. The thing is that, years from now when I look back on my life - I want to be able to say that I really put my whole heart and soul into something to earn the top, because these days I don't think it'll just flop in my lap.

So the decision is clear, this is what I need. I think that an education from a college of music will be just what I need to back up my abilities. My brother and I both have a great talent - not ego - I really feel I do. We have a talent for music. Music comes naturally to us, the rythms, the tones. It sits in our mind as simple as breathing it seems sometimes. I need to take this gift that I was given and apply it with knowledge, making me capable of almost anything. I'm serious when I say I want to make it to the top. It's not about the fame or fortune - I could care less about the money. What I care about is my love for music, grouped with my love for making other people happy.

That was where the talk left off. I'm going to college for music. I don't know where yet, I keep telling myself that here in Arizona is a great place for music education, which is true... but deep in mind I keep thinking - "what if I get outta here? How hard would that be?" For me to move away and live in dorms - I'd be an alien to the rest of the 'college age' students, but would that be all too bad? I don't think so... shit with enough money I could go anywhere, LA, New York, Chicago - the greatest cities for the performing arts. The worst they can say is 'no.' So what do I have to lose?

Nothing. This is going to be very interesting...

I have to apologize to anyone who may have been expecting to hear the Sunday Drunx Show - um - my brother Brian was sick and he wouldn't let me over his house... which happens to be where my live studio is. There's always next week!

Meet the Cast - Part 1

Justin Chapin - DJJ

But you can call me J

When I moved away from New Jersey, my whole life was about to turn upside-down. I was already doing bad enough in school, it didn't help that now I was going to have to go to a whole new one. I was leaving all my friends, moving to a much bigger city and a much different culture. Annapolis was also "the enemy territory." You see my brother was going to the U.S. Military Academy at West Point, while I lived in the city that housed the U.S. Naval Academy. If any of you know about the rivalry between these two schools, it makes the UF and FSU game look like a pop warner scrimage. I started to change a little because of this. Other than the obvious growing liking for the US Army, I was getting a lot of convidence. I had to do a lot of sticking up for myself in that city - and some learning as to when to fold the cards if needed, too. My brother changed, as well. During his time there he learned to appreciate his family, including me. It felt great every time he came home, dressed in his uniform that at the time looked like it was made for royalty, it was a big deal for me.

We didn't stay there long, however. Just when I started getting to know people I was writing "have a nice life" in yearbooks again.

So then there was Delaware. Ah, my high school years... what a waste of fuckin' time I made that out to be! Looking back, I could have done so much more in high school. I wanted to be popular and friendly with people, and so I put all that education crap on the back burner. Had I done anything in high school, maybe I'd be going to places like West Point - and actually FINISHING college... instead of being stuck at the 15 credits I have now.

But the only thing I'm mad at is myself for that. I have tons of great memories of HS, most of it revolves arond choir and drama, music as you all know has always been a huge part of my life.

Now there's my life after high school. I think I've filled you in on most of that, so, that's me. Hi!

Brian - My Brother

Isn't he cute ladies?

Brian has been my best friend since - I don't know like his second year of West Point. We were normal brother-brother, die die, I hate you type stuff up until that point. It wasn't until I grew older that I started really connecting with the guy. I look up to Brian. He's very successful already at his young age of 29, making a substantial amount of money as a Land Aquisition Manager for a home builder here in Phoenix.

While I don't want this to sound like a personal singles add - my brother has always been in much better shape than I have, I always have a little envy on how he has women huddled around him at clubs while I stand by the wall and watch. He's also a great singer. We sing together, the occational duet, one day we hope to get some music out there in the world just to see how it does. He's going to be mentioned a lot more in this blog, which is why I mention him at all. In a couple weeks I'm moving in with him. He's going to start me off on a little training program to get my life in order. If anyone knows how to do that, it's my brother... Even though his life can be a little crazy some times. Also listen for my brother now occationally on Sundays with me on my radio station, together we'll be doing the "Sunday Drunks Show." That's because here in Arizona you can buy alcohol on Sunday.

More "A DJ in Phoenix" Cast members to come.

For Anonymous - and anyone else...

A little over a week ago I posted a blog that seemed to get me some attention. Comments started coming in and my message in the banter seemed to have gotten lost. So, I have decided to put my message in simpler terms.

I started out with a monologue about all the stereotypes that men have. As some of them are true and many men are this way... not all men are all-inclusive of this list. In fact, some gentlemen have only one or two of the qualities, some have none.

My POINT was that men as a whole are being grouped into one category no matter how good or bad they are.

There, now isn't that better? You can stop reading there but if you would like to read my explaination, you may continue.

Let's take guy 'A'. 'A' is a nice fellow, raised by his mom and dad, momma tought him how to treat women. She tought him how to be a gentleman, opening the doors, or pulling out chairs, stuff like that; as well as teaching him the basics about trustworthiness and honor and respect.

'A' met a girl in his later years. This girl just came out of a tough relationship with guy 'B'.

Guy 'B' was raised similarly, a nice family, taught well. But guy 'B' didn't seem to catch that whole thing about trustworthiness, honor, and respect. The girl broke up with guy 'B' because she caught him bangin' some other girl while she was at work.

So 'A' and the Girl start going out. The girl is still pretty broken up about this whole thing, why wouldn't she - but now she has no reason to doubt that 'A' won't do the same damn thing! Should she? We'll never know, because the girl ends up not commiting to the relationship to find out.

OK, that's a fake story - but this is what I'm trying to say. Guy 'A' is a nice guy, and even though he makes mistakes, he's not blatenly lying or cheating on his women. Guy 'B' was, and it was guy 'B' that gave men that bad reputation I was talking about. Why do guys choose to cheat and lie? I'm a guy who does not cheat or lie, but yet I can't ask women to trust me because of the last guy they were with that fucked them over!

Guys make mistakes, it's the ones who either 1. don't learn from them, or 2. lie or cheat that make it difficult for the ones who really work to be good to their women.

And women! Don't think you're off the hook here, women are a whole different story. But I don't want this to turn into a he said/she said - battle of the sexes type thing. I'm a DJ, that's what I do - I'm just expressing my thoughts through my life for all of you to read.

Anyway, I hope that gets my point across - be good to yourselves, and each other.

And Then There Were 5

I talked yesterday a little bit about friendships. To be specific, I focused a lot on "Best Friends," which is really different for everybody... So I'm going to talk a little more about it today. This won't be as long as yesterday - but I'm not making any promises on how short it will be!

Serena and I had a little talk last night. I didn't want to talk to her - because I knew it would amount in a fight... which it did. She was holding all my DJ equipment; my turntables, my computer and my speakers, which was very nice of her to do. I am moving now though so I had to get it out of there. I just wanted to go in there, get my stuff, and leave. I wasn't in the mood for any fighting.

But she persisted on making me talk, thinking we could work out our friendship and maybe come to a conclusion. Well, we didn't.

Here's my take on the relationship between Serena and myself: We are not best friends. To her, much like I explained yesterday, she only has *one* best friend. One person that she holds closer than anyone. That is fine, but it's not me. Now if I was someone who felt the same way about friendships then maybe, because then I may be able to be there for her everyday of my life. But I can't be there for her every day. She deserves somebody who can. That's not me. Simple as that.

So, we'll stay friends I hope, we have stuff in common, but I just can't be expected to be there all the time. I don't think I did the wrong thing here. Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that you can't force a friendship, if it doesn't work then you'll have to quit it. That's what we did last night.

Serena if you read this, understand that I don't want to hurt you, but I meant everything I said. I said that I think your life sucks only because I think you deserve better, and maybe you just need a little confidence in what you do to be truley happy. But like you said, I don't know what makes you happy anymore so maybe I'm just all wrong. Either way, I'll see you at the parties.

That's all... not bad, huh? Do you all want my entries to be this short all the time?

Stay Cool.

New Life by Sunday Morning

I came up with that title because right this moment I'm listening to "Sunday Morning" by Maroon 5. I'm lovin Maroon 5 - that's right - I love music that isn't techno as well folks. Remember, I DJ weddings right now, which means I don't get to play house music very often. I appreciate all music, though. I can listen to a song and find the musical talent no matter what genre. The only thing I don't get is Metal. I don't know how they all make it because they all sound exactly the same. It's true! And someone is going to comment now I know and explain to me how different dream theater is from a perfect circle. Look, I've heard them all - IN MY OPINION, they all sound the same.

With that being said, most people think all house sounds the same. To a person that doesn't listen to house very often I know where they are coming from... Because they are right - it does sound the same. Makes it easier to DJ, right? Well, DJs might tell you this, but I think it's only half true. DJing house and techno with that infectious 4/4 beat does make it pretty predictable, which makes things easier. Especially because a DJ won't have much problem rooting through their box for the next song. With Hip Hop, the DJ has to take more care in song selection, because normally all hip hop songs have a unique beat. That's the tough part of being a hip hop DJ, song selection. Mixing is easy with hip hop. Once the DJ has the right song, a simple slam or scratch and slam will do it. The better DJs will find songs with similar beat structures and beat match a little. As a Hip Hop DJ, it's not required to beat match, but if s/he can, there's a lot of added tricks they can do.

As a hip hop DJ needs to be quick and tricky, almost like a musical magician up there behind the decks. I stated earlier that a house DJ has an easier job with song selection. However, what makes house music tougher is that there aren't many slams going on in the house world. A house DJ can slam, or spinback, or beatmatch for only 4-8 beats, but the best DJs will beatmatch and mix with blends, 64 beats or more. A house and techno DJ has to be much more gentle, making small moves to get that perfect mix. The highest level of house DJ can not only beatmatch well, but can match moods and keys as well. When the entire 4 hour set sounds like one song, a house DJ has reached musical enlightenment. So in my opinion, both sides have equally hard jobs, just different skills to focus on.

Ok that was a tangent, I have a lot to get to so let me get started...

First a plug - check out my newly updated internet radio station, DancePhoenix. Take a look at my broadcast schedule for special shows and stuff, or just tune in for some great house music!

Alright now, I'm gonna start off with a funny story - I was driving around in my 2004 Honda Civic for about 3 months with no a/c. In the desert heat, I'm sure you can imagine how ridiculous that was. Well all my friends kept telling me to just get it fixed, because it's still under warranty, but I said that I thought that I had to pay for stuff anyway. Well, last week I finally broke down and called in. Turns out they do fix it for free. I'm a dork - I coulda had it done 3 months ago. Go ahead and laugh at me.

This weekend was also a big event for me - I MC'd my very first reception, and I think it went quite well! I need to work on stuff, obviously, but I don't think that the guests could tell that this was my first event. So go me! Check out SKM Entertainment here in Phoenix, AZ if you know some one or you, yourself are planning a wedding, bar or bat mitzvah, or corporate event.

Ok, here's the big stories. DJJ (that's me) is planning two very large events and I wanted to get them out there right now so people can pre-plan a little as I am. I'm not releasing dates for these events yet, but I will very soon. They are benefit events for the Leukemia-Lymphoma society, and one will be the end of September, the other around the end of October. I'll have more details on that later. The reason I'm having these events for the Leukemia-Lymphoma Society is because I am training to run the PF Chang's Rock 'n' Roll Marathon. Team in Training will be training me for this run and in turn I raise money for the LLS. It's a very rewarding thing to be a part of so I'm very excited. More details later.

For the last story for today, I'm going to talk about something very important to all of us. Friends. More importantly, I'm going to be focusing on the "best friend" category. This phrase came up a lot this past weekend, but only a couple times was it used positively.

First off, I don't have one best friend. Some people think that should not be the case, that it should be one person - like a spouse without marriage. OK, here's the first problem, if my best friend is a guy, I'm not going to marry him. Second, if I do get married, I would want the girl to be my best friend as well so, what do I do? Just bump the current best friend? No, I'm gonna have more than one. To me there's no ranking system. You don't "achieve" the rank of "best" after a number of tests or anything. It's simply natural - my best friends are the people I can hang out with and know exactly what they are thinking. This narrows down now to a very select few. In fact of all my friends, I share the minds of only 6 people. Jessica, Emily, Egle, Serena, Caitlin and Brian. All girls and my brother. Wait - is that bad? I need to get some more guy friends...

Anyway. They're my best friends because they don't have to tell me how they are or what they feel because I can tell already. I know their expressions, reactions, feelings. I know what different things mean to them and that makes it quite simple for me to be with them. That's a best friend, someone you can see inside of.

They see inside of me, too. They all know me and know better, no matter what kinda crap I say. They all know that if they had a problem, they could call me up or shoot me an email and I'd be there to help. For some, I'm not there all the time. In fact, 3 of my best friends don't even live in the same state. What reminds me of how great they are is when they call me after not talking to me for 6 months... And the conversation is still the same great feeling. It's not like they hate me for 6 months, they just have their own lives. But I get a pretty big smile on my face when they do call. Sometimes it's not for a problem - sometimes it's simply to say Hi, and that's OK too.

The 3 that live here are a different story. Brian is my brother, first off - so we're going to exclude him. He's a best friend due to sharing the same genes as myself. So let's talk about Caitlin and Serena.

First we'll deal with Caitlin. You know I hated her like 4 or 5 months ago, grouped her right in with Bill and the website being trashed... And she deserved my anger, I'm not going to deny it. I was pretty fuckin' pissed at what she did. It was kind of a "straw that broke the camel's back" type thing. Now I've gotten over it for the longest time now, I mean since then I started a bunch of other stuff that I'm much more happy about. It was kinda like habit though, I just didn't talk to her any more. But I saw her Saturday night, after my event. I didn't want to go to this party, because of how far it is from my house, but it was my buddy david's house and those are always kinda fun. So I called up Serena.. I ended up going only because she said she would stay - I'll get to that in a bit. So Caitlin was there, so were a bunch of people. Something was up with me though, I felt as if I had to talk to her. Serena was giving me the cold shoulder so I didn't really pay much attention to her... But when Caitlin came back outside I decided to wrap my arms around her and give her a big hug. "What's this? A hug? From Justin??" Was pretty much the reaction, but almost as if it was habit she hugged me right back. We talked after that and caught up on things for almost a good hour.

See that's just it. Best friend are people with no matter how pissed I get, or how long I go without them, they'll still be best friends after all that. Best friends are best friends - but, it has to be both ways. Best friends are naturally made - not forced.

So lately I've been hanging out with Serena a lot. It's no big deal because we are "best friends," but I was getting a little concerned this week because it seemed that if I didn't hang out with her that she would get upset, as if I had to spend every day with her for her to be happy. She denies it, but let me give some examples. First she assumes that if I don't want to go over to her house or if I'm too busy to go out that I don't ever want to talk to her again. This is not true. It's very frustrating that she does this to me. I'm a busy person, and I have a lot on my plate - I'm sorry - I cannot see Serena, every day of my life. And she has to deal with that. So then she'll get upset with me or angry at me and snap and have a negative attitude at everything I do. She takes out all her aggression on my feelings, because it's almost like I have to feel as shitty as she does just because I didn't stay up all night on a weeknight with her. Then she'll say, "is it so bad that I want to be with you all the time?" In fact, Serena - it is. I'm glad that you like spending time with me, and I like spending time with you - but the fact of the matter is that I'm not going to be able to spend every day with you, and you should know this. So what's different between wanting to spend time with me and how you REALLY act - is that you seem to have a NEED to be with me. This is concerning. You shouldn't NEED me around, and you should NEED me to accomplish things that you want to do.

For example: This weekend. All of Thursday, Friday, and Saturday during the day you were in a shitty mood towards me, complaining that I'm not a great friend, that I'm ignoring you, and that obviously your not important to me. Let us review what I did this weekend and maybe you will re-think these statements. Thursday night I worked on my website, a much needed update to my radio station that was losing ratings. With my current placement, I have the ability to MAKE MONEY off of that radio station, and that would be very nice. Also, the website which is a window to the CAREER I would like to have, well that needs some work, too. Additionally, I had to focus on Saturday, which was my first MC event - which you knew for months. Thursday night I was also pre-planning my two major events for the LLS because they are pretty high profile. You know - or you should know - how important all these things are to me. As well as having a free home-cooked meal for once and sleep in my own bed, were all very important to me. Finally on top of all that - you don't have a phone. I couldn't even chat with you if I wanted to. But don't feel too bad, I didn't even call ANY OF MY OTHER BEST FRIENDS that day either. In fact, I didn't talk to any of my "best friends" until Saturday night. Friday was a much-needed day of relaxation. My brother called me up - and we went out with some of his friends. I would have liked to include you, but, you have no money and no gas to drive. I don't have the cash, nor the time to come get you, and even if I did - may I remind you tha you don't have a PHONE!! Again - I'm not ignoring you, you don't have a way that I can talk to you. Didn't I email you when you emailed me? Yeah but I was ignoring you.

But what set you off was Saturday. This finalized your unreasonable bad mood towards me and made my best friend duties a little challenging. First off, you knew for a month what Saturday was, and how important it was to me. I also mentioned that I was going to be very busy on Saturday, not only preparing for the event, but with Team in Training stuff as well. I was supposed to go to a kick-off meeting, but I didn't. So technically I could have taken you to where you wanted to go. But! You DON'T have a PHONE! How am I supposed to know what your plans are?! You said you wanted to go earlier in the week, but you made no time frame, and I told you I was busy, what was I supposed to do, huh? The problem is that you are being radical, way way over the top about what you need in our friendship - much more than I have to give.

Now Serena and I had a little talk about 4:30 in the morning on Sunday after the party. She started screaming about how I do this and I do that. And she thinks that it's not herself that's the problem. It was resolved in the end. But some of the things she said to me in her rage were very concerning.

She's right, we're not best friends. According to her, I've never had problems, that I don't understand or know where she's coming from. She doesn't know how much I DO understand. I'm there for her support but she needs to take care of herself first. I don't take care of people, I simply help them when they are in need. Serena needed me Saturday morning. I don't think she did.

Anyway, I don't know what to think any more. I don't hate Serena, it's not like I don't want to talk to her anymore. But damn it I do need to live my own life, with out being questioned on my every move or everything I say being disagreed on because "I just don't understand." I want my best friends to live their own lives, too - and they do - sure they miss me and I miss them, but that doesn't mean that they have to call me every day or see me every day. Serena seems to need that. I hope she'll let up a little after Sunday. I hope she understands that I am here for her when she needs me, but sometimes I won't be right in front of her face.

So that's it. I'm thinking about years from now just taking all these entries and putting them in a book. I'll never make any money off of it... But it would be fun to say that I "wrote a book..."