Missing you...

My best friend emailed me today. It simply said "I miss our smoke breaks."

Yeah I miss them too. That got me thinking about all the things I miss, thanks for that, Jess. I miss Jess, my one connection to the theater world in Arizona, we worked together on a couple shows, all the while getting to be closer friends than any of my last. She taught me more lessons in life than I thought I wanted to learn - some I didn't listen to, but should have because she was right. She was great for my ego - we would go to a bar or something and she would dress up and look like a trophy girl and hang on my arm while we enter the club... but then she would pretend we were brother and sister when I became interested in a girl there. She hooked me up to - I got a phone number I NEVER thought I would get. Even though it didn't pan out... that made me a very confident guy that night.

We would sit over a beer at a local bar we went to all the time. I loved their fries - and they always loaded me up with ranch dressing. We talked about everything, some things I'm sure she'd never let me disclose. :) But it was true - we were just, friends.

But she moved away. Not like it was a bad thing, she was doing something with her life... Which I still envy occasionally. I know I want to get out of here one day, maybe when I'm 26 I will, too. But I miss all that. The bar will never be the same, not that, kareoke, musicals, smoke breaks, black and tans, or playing pool.

She's not it though. I miss things from now and from long ago. I started thinking about Em from high school. She literally was my sister from another family. Was never afraid to call me a dork and to this day still does, especially with all my big dreams and aspirations... I'll still just be the dork. The once herbivore, Em played the piano like it was an extention of her brain. She is a strong believer in not just playing notes on the sheet of paper, but creating music. I suck at piano. But remember her just resting her head on the top listening as I attempted to make up a song. She said I was good at that. Em was an advocate for keeping my ego in check. I had a lot of friends in high school... I wouldn't consider myself popular but there were a lot of things I did in HS so I had friends from all different groups. Em was my friend from the band and chorus group. I remember she got voted in as Drum Major for the marching band. Every football game she'd be there, gathering together ten or so other girls to scream out "We love you Justin!" I may have once or twice turned around, but most of the time I just pretended I was too macho to think about it. Just to be honest, deep down I felt so loved, so warm and cared for. I didn't hear any "we love you mike." It was awesome and yes, great for my ego. But what I miss the most? The hugs. They were the best hugs on EARTH! Jess gave comparable hugs but Em and I hugged so much that they became their own brand-name. "Justin hugs," she called them. I miss those the most. By the way, when she went to college she became an avid carnivorous. Cheese burgers ALWAYS win....

And speaking of choir, I miss the HELL out of choir. Not just choir in general, cause if that was the case I would just find one out here. It was my 2000-2001 Grand Champion Concert Choir. DAMN that was a good year. My senior year - I can still remember the moment when the speaker called out Dickinson High School as the overall grand champion choir. My director, Doc Hoc I called him, had a smile so big you could see it from the back of the auditorium as he ran down to get the 4 foot tall trophy. I took that baby and it sat in our Hawaii hotel room as I slept. We were all so proud. That was the top award... but we won first place, too in our category. I remember how honored I was when the class president came up to me and told me that doc wanted me to come with her to go down if we won anything. I think I left her in the dust when we won first place.

Choir was so fun. My junior year I was in 5 different choirs. Concert choir, the small chamber choir, the general mixed choir, all-state Delaware, and then All-Eastern Honor Choir. The friends I got out of choir. There were the "three guys in the back." It was me, Edwin, and Brian... holy shit was that a great time! We would sit up in the back row (we were placed there because we were tall) and just laugh and carry on. Edwin and I would play with the hair of the girls in front of us, flipping it and just being stupid like smelling it and feeling their hair. I know it sounds weird but I guess you just had to be there. We sang all the songs as ridiculous as possible some times, Edwin and I would jump into this "oprah" voice and be all loud with our arms flying around... acting like fools. When we were told to move the music, Edwin and I would over-do it SO much. I was sandwiched by Brian and Edwin. Brian would be on the otherside throwing in little comments that would make me laugh hysterically... always at the worst times, too - like when we were supposed to be singing really quiet... A story about Brian, he was in "Anything Goes!" with me and he played this pompous British guy and I played the guy that was stealing his girl. He was in two consecutive scenes, one he was in full tuxedo, the next he was in boxers, a tanktop and shaving cream on half of his face. Well one show he forgot the tux scene... just imagine how funny it looked with a half-naked brian running as fast as he could backstage to get back into his tux.... Amazingly it only took him like 2 minutes!

Then there were the girls. There's lots of girls in choir and well I loved it. I was friends with 90% of them, and the other 10% I knew but didn't really talk to. I wish I did, though... some of that 10% were really friggin' hot. But damn I miss that part. My favorite was Egle. Egle (pronounced 'Agg-la) is from Lithuania, just an absolute cutie from head to toe, and she was shy as all get out. But I couldn't resist - she had the brightest, most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen! You know the kind with that little yellow ring right around the pupil... uh! We hung out a lot, and even dated for a little while - she was my senior prom date. She was part of the this three-girl group in choir. Two of them were my friends, Egle and Steph, and the third... well... I don't think she liked me all too much. Steph apparently LOVED me. I didn't really know that, though... I guess I made a little mistake then when I started casually seeing her... I didn't want things to get real serious... now it makes perfect sense why she did. Steph was very cute as well, taller, skinny with blonde hair and blue eyes... great hands, if that is something to rate someone on, she kept them very soft. Now she hates me, so I hear... I think it was because "I broke her heart." If she ever reads this. I'm sorry, Steph, I didn't mean to hurt you. But... I've moved on from that so.... got over it? I mean come on that was like 4 years ago....

There was my would-be high school sweetheart. That is if I didn't dump her after only 9 months. That was a mistake - I believe that much. I say 'dumped' because that's what I did, I just kinda left her in the ditch. I felt REALLY REALLY REALLY bad about that. I kind of regret breaking up with her.. I mean I was having a perfectly good time, we were in love, we were both singers, blah blah blah... I was a shithead. You see I broke it off because I was moving away... I just didn't want to be with her if I was going to end up breaking up with her anyway. It would have hurt more to me in the end then right at that moment. I really hurt her at that moment. It wasn't until I introduced her to her rebound guy at All East that I realized, damn I fucked up! yeah, I introduced her to this guy who ended up not only being her rebound guy for the weekend, but her like two year boyfriend... How ironic, though... she broke up with him when they both went separate ways to college.

I would like to talk to her though, simply just to catch up on things... I mean, you think about it - when your with someone for a while you get to know and love everything they're about and do and enjoy. You become a part of this, and you really just want to keep that connection. When she and I weren't making out we were talking. Just talking. And that's what I missed, having that person to sit up in her room and talk for a while. She cared a lot about me, and I really felt good about that. I remember writing her a letter from basic training. She wrote me back and I think she was more surprised than anything... that I actually moved away and joined up and everything. She said she was proud of me... that made me feel kinda good.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not obsessed or anything about all this. I would like to talk to her, to catch up on things, yes - but that's it... nothing crazy like I want to stalk her or something... geez!

Anyway, I have lots of memories that I will share with you... going back to your roots always helps keep yourself in check. It reminds me sometimes that I am worth something to someone, that that is worth TONS to me...