Missing you...

My best friend emailed me today. It simply said "I miss our smoke breaks."

Yeah I miss them too. That got me thinking about all the things I miss, thanks for that, Jess. I miss Jess, my one connection to the theater world in Arizona, we worked together on a couple shows, all the while getting to be closer friends than any of my last. She taught me more lessons in life than I thought I wanted to learn - some I didn't listen to, but should have because she was right. She was great for my ego - we would go to a bar or something and she would dress up and look like a trophy girl and hang on my arm while we enter the club... but then she would pretend we were brother and sister when I became interested in a girl there. She hooked me up to - I got a phone number I NEVER thought I would get. Even though it didn't pan out... that made me a very confident guy that night.

We would sit over a beer at a local bar we went to all the time. I loved their fries - and they always loaded me up with ranch dressing. We talked about everything, some things I'm sure she'd never let me disclose. :) But it was true - we were just, friends.

But she moved away. Not like it was a bad thing, she was doing something with her life... Which I still envy occasionally. I know I want to get out of here one day, maybe when I'm 26 I will, too. But I miss all that. The bar will never be the same, not that, kareoke, musicals, smoke breaks, black and tans, or playing pool.

She's not it though. I miss things from now and from long ago. I started thinking about Em from high school. She literally was my sister from another family. Was never afraid to call me a dork and to this day still does, especially with all my big dreams and aspirations... I'll still just be the dork. The once herbivore, Em played the piano like it was an extention of her brain. She is a strong believer in not just playing notes on the sheet of paper, but creating music. I suck at piano. But remember her just resting her head on the top listening as I attempted to make up a song. She said I was good at that. Em was an advocate for keeping my ego in check. I had a lot of friends in high school... I wouldn't consider myself popular but there were a lot of things I did in HS so I had friends from all different groups. Em was my friend from the band and chorus group. I remember she got voted in as Drum Major for the marching band. Every football game she'd be there, gathering together ten or so other girls to scream out "We love you Justin!" I may have once or twice turned around, but most of the time I just pretended I was too macho to think about it. Just to be honest, deep down I felt so loved, so warm and cared for. I didn't hear any "we love you mike." It was awesome and yes, great for my ego. But what I miss the most? The hugs. They were the best hugs on EARTH! Jess gave comparable hugs but Em and I hugged so much that they became their own brand-name. "Justin hugs," she called them. I miss those the most. By the way, when she went to college she became an avid carnivorous. Cheese burgers ALWAYS win....

And speaking of choir, I miss the HELL out of choir. Not just choir in general, cause if that was the case I would just find one out here. It was my 2000-2001 Grand Champion Concert Choir. DAMN that was a good year. My senior year - I can still remember the moment when the speaker called out Dickinson High School as the overall grand champion choir. My director, Doc Hoc I called him, had a smile so big you could see it from the back of the auditorium as he ran down to get the 4 foot tall trophy. I took that baby and it sat in our Hawaii hotel room as I slept. We were all so proud. That was the top award... but we won first place, too in our category. I remember how honored I was when the class president came up to me and told me that doc wanted me to come with her to go down if we won anything. I think I left her in the dust when we won first place.

Choir was so fun. My junior year I was in 5 different choirs. Concert choir, the small chamber choir, the general mixed choir, all-state Delaware, and then All-Eastern Honor Choir. The friends I got out of choir. There were the "three guys in the back." It was me, Edwin, and Brian... holy shit was that a great time! We would sit up in the back row (we were placed there because we were tall) and just laugh and carry on. Edwin and I would play with the hair of the girls in front of us, flipping it and just being stupid like smelling it and feeling their hair. I know it sounds weird but I guess you just had to be there. We sang all the songs as ridiculous as possible some times, Edwin and I would jump into this "oprah" voice and be all loud with our arms flying around... acting like fools. When we were told to move the music, Edwin and I would over-do it SO much. I was sandwiched by Brian and Edwin. Brian would be on the otherside throwing in little comments that would make me laugh hysterically... always at the worst times, too - like when we were supposed to be singing really quiet... A story about Brian, he was in "Anything Goes!" with me and he played this pompous British guy and I played the guy that was stealing his girl. He was in two consecutive scenes, one he was in full tuxedo, the next he was in boxers, a tanktop and shaving cream on half of his face. Well one show he forgot the tux scene... just imagine how funny it looked with a half-naked brian running as fast as he could backstage to get back into his tux.... Amazingly it only took him like 2 minutes!

Then there were the girls. There's lots of girls in choir and well I loved it. I was friends with 90% of them, and the other 10% I knew but didn't really talk to. I wish I did, though... some of that 10% were really friggin' hot. But damn I miss that part. My favorite was Egle. Egle (pronounced 'Agg-la) is from Lithuania, just an absolute cutie from head to toe, and she was shy as all get out. But I couldn't resist - she had the brightest, most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen! You know the kind with that little yellow ring right around the pupil... uh! We hung out a lot, and even dated for a little while - she was my senior prom date. She was part of the this three-girl group in choir. Two of them were my friends, Egle and Steph, and the third... well... I don't think she liked me all too much. Steph apparently LOVED me. I didn't really know that, though... I guess I made a little mistake then when I started casually seeing her... I didn't want things to get real serious... now it makes perfect sense why she did. Steph was very cute as well, taller, skinny with blonde hair and blue eyes... great hands, if that is something to rate someone on, she kept them very soft. Now she hates me, so I hear... I think it was because "I broke her heart." If she ever reads this. I'm sorry, Steph, I didn't mean to hurt you. But... I've moved on from that so.... got over it? I mean come on that was like 4 years ago....

There was my would-be high school sweetheart. That is if I didn't dump her after only 9 months. That was a mistake - I believe that much. I say 'dumped' because that's what I did, I just kinda left her in the ditch. I felt REALLY REALLY REALLY bad about that. I kind of regret breaking up with her.. I mean I was having a perfectly good time, we were in love, we were both singers, blah blah blah... I was a shithead. You see I broke it off because I was moving away... I just didn't want to be with her if I was going to end up breaking up with her anyway. It would have hurt more to me in the end then right at that moment. I really hurt her at that moment. It wasn't until I introduced her to her rebound guy at All East that I realized, damn I fucked up! yeah, I introduced her to this guy who ended up not only being her rebound guy for the weekend, but her like two year boyfriend... How ironic, though... she broke up with him when they both went separate ways to college.

I would like to talk to her though, simply just to catch up on things... I mean, you think about it - when your with someone for a while you get to know and love everything they're about and do and enjoy. You become a part of this, and you really just want to keep that connection. When she and I weren't making out we were talking. Just talking. And that's what I missed, having that person to sit up in her room and talk for a while. She cared a lot about me, and I really felt good about that. I remember writing her a letter from basic training. She wrote me back and I think she was more surprised than anything... that I actually moved away and joined up and everything. She said she was proud of me... that made me feel kinda good.

Now don't get me wrong I'm not obsessed or anything about all this. I would like to talk to her, to catch up on things, yes - but that's it... nothing crazy like I want to stalk her or something... geez!

Anyway, I have lots of memories that I will share with you... going back to your roots always helps keep yourself in check. It reminds me sometimes that I am worth something to someone, that that is worth TONS to me...

May Flowers Blooming

All I can say is Holy Shit this has been a month. Ready for a gripping story? Read on...

Let's start off with DJing, since that's the premise of the blog. It's going great. I'm one day away from being a certified DJ for SKM Entertainment, and I'm very proud to have gotten this far. Last Saturday I did my first non-wedding event, a bat mithsva... that was for simple terms - meyhem. A bunch of 13 year olds just going nuts. Not dancing really just going crazy and screaming everytime I play a new song. My MC just let me have the board, not even interjecting that much on song selection... I had a TON of fun. I was a little tired afterward, but I needed a beer and some good music so... luckily my girl Lysa D hooked me up with entrance to Flux at Sky Lounge in downtown Phoenix. A quick interjection - I would just like to say that no, I'm not gay - however yes, Flux at Sky Lounge on Saturday nights is normally gay night. But since I'm an adult and very comfortable with my own sexuality, (just a tip, you bring a girl there you're normally pretty locked in since there's no other guys to compete with...) I have no problem enjoying the great music they spin. Anyway, DJing altogether has been a blast, I still can't believe I get paid for this shit, but I do and I guess that's the perk. Notice all those plugs in there? Make sure you hit my friends up, especially if you're in the Phoenix area... They're not sponsoring me or paying me in any way, I just like these things.

Going further, DJing is branching into two worlds. I have the mobile DJ world, which is great... and I know I could probably go far with it. But I don't think that's me. There's something about the club that just scratches an itch for me. Even more, I just dream of one day filling up a stadium or a park or something with thousands of people all just dancing to my music. I want to produce, I know that much - as well as perform. I think being a DJ is more than just standing up there and spinning records or CD's. Now it's become a performance. Not every DJ can scratch - and I think that's OK - I think scratching is a form of performance that DJs use to attract themselves to the listener. I mean think about it, what is scratching anyway? It's a trick that is done with records, to create sounds and effects that are cool sounding. When a DJ is scratching, it looks cool, too. Hence the reason, it's putting on a show. Non-scratchers can do that too. You see that I put club DJs in two categories there, ones that scratch, and ones that don't. Because really it's black or white there... some DJ's are put into a third category, though... DJs that shouldn't scratch. :)

Anyway, so it's about performance, getting up there and pumping up the crowd, always moving, dancing, just into it so much that it's infectious. That's what I wanna do. And that would be really cool.

So what else is there? I told you this was a holy shit month. Let's talk about my personal life for a moment...

I have a hypothetical question... why do people love drama in their lives? Why do people create drama? I mean are some people just born for drama? Allow me to explain.
There's this girl - you know her as Satan. I called her this because I honestly thought she could have been the Devil incarnate and that was just it. My life sucked when I was with her. I was broke, my friends were gone and according to her they were talking shit behind my back... then I found out that wasn't true. Complete manipulation. I didn't explain to you before that this girl and I were in a very complicated, and regretful relationship, that brewed things into proportion I didn't think it would. Bill, or "battle" as you know him, dated her for a while, I'd say two or three months, and he was just utterly in love with her. Serena (Satan), loved too, but soon after it broke off and everyone's heart was broken. At least Bill's was. Here's the turn of events. A DJ in Phoenix EXCLUSIVE! After they broke up, Serena and I started seeing eachother. At first, it was sex. And sex was all it was going to be. We were adults that were attracted to eachother, both single - everythings cool right? No, apparently Serena and I weren't allowed to choose who we could be with, Bill set her as "off limits." Now I see where the real problem lied. Off limits? What the hell, she was single Bill! Get over it! It's not for you to decide who I can and cannot date, especially screw. But because I respect Bill, and I didn't want to hurt him any further than apparently Serena did, well we decided to keep the relationship a complete secret. I did all I could to distract from the fact that I was seeing her. I felt bad, too for Serena because I would flirt with other girls and such to try and hide the truth. I lied and I regret that. But hear me out... what was I supposed to do huh? Bill owns a gun, with bullets... and occasionally he makes me a little nervous with all his talking. Not that I think that the guy would kill me but I didn't want to even be involved with that shit. So even after all this ended and all this hate for Serena occurred I still kept the secret locked away.

You know the story. Serena and I ended up real close for a while, then we started fighting for little things and that's just when it wasn't worth it anymore. We tried going back to the purely sexual relationship again, but she kept getting attached. I backed off but she persisted. Because I thought that she was trying to manipulate me, well I had to shut her out completely. I did it rather harshly, I will admit. I was a little tipsy and so frustrated and annoyed I just went off...

Now I'm a pretty nieve person, I'll admit it. I don't know whether she was trying to manipulate me or not back then. But maybe it's just because I'm a nice guy and people like to use that to their advantage. I think that's bullshit just so you know, but I am one to give second, third, tenth chances when I believe someone screws up - let me remind you that I'm not perfect either - because I do believe people can change at least a little. I've changed a lot. I don't take no shit anywhere. You don't want me around, you're talking shit - goodbye, you don't deserve my time. I'll be nice as hell to you and bust your balls and play around, but the moment you cross my path the worong way, your out.

Which is a good segue to the most recent part of this saga. I've been quite the ass-hole. I know it. I think I deserve to be every now and then... I've done a lot for my friends, excluding Serena, and I've worked my ass off to have everyone happy... Even Bill. Just recently we all came together and started this website, idontknowadamnthing.com - a great idea - We all shared the idea, which I will give them credit for... But nothing would have happened if it wasn't for me. I went out and bought the domains, signed up for the forum, created the graphics and got it all set up. Done. They did nothing. In hinesight they tell me now that they would have jumped in with it but I'm not sure if that's the truth... all I know is then they did something really shitty that puts them right on the 'fuck you list.' First Caitlin (you know her as Kate) decided to go on to the site and change every single forum name to whatever she felt like. It became trashed and it was so stupid. She said she warned me but I don't remember any warnings. Additionally to that, a warning before what? What did she want me to do? She sends me a PM and then four hours later everything is changed? That's a whole lot of discussion time, isn't it? I was PISSED. Little did I know, that also - Bill decided to let everyone that was a member an administrator to the forum, in his "drunken rage" he says - well his alcohol problem is going to get him in trouble one day. Overnight one of our newly acquired admin people went in and destroyed the entire website. I was livid. That was it. They have all the fuckin nerve in the world to pull some shit like that and I went off. Bill and Caitlin, fuck you for that.

As for Serena, she was right. We started talking again and she wanted to let me know that she never meant to make me think that she was manipulating me, just simply protecting me from the people I was associated with. I still have trouble believing it, I'll be honest at least, but now I know she was telling the truth. We're back to being... friends, at least. Nothing serious is going to happen there. I'm looking for someone new, not a been there/done that. No offense Serena...

As for the Site - well, check it out! It's pretty fuckin empty right now I'll tell you that!! But soon it will get back to normal. Thanks to GoDaddy.com, we got some webserver space and we're in a new location. I hope to see you there.

Gripping, huh? Check out IDKADT.com, DJJ Phoenix Official website, Energy Arizona's Dance Radio, and my girl DJ Lysa D. See you next time!