Standing Still but Going Somewhere

Ok, so today is the day.

It's been almost two full months since my last post, to be honest I'm feeling a little detached and so I'm writing in hopes to find an answer for myself.

This is basically to make a little announcement to anyone who cares or to anyone that is listening. I am currently still working on updating my website, I've made some progress, we discovered that I may be locked out of my server access so that is why I can't get in. As soon as I can gain access I will push the magic button to upload my site. It will contain my new demo, "Chapter 2," which is a deep house/vocal house mix. I'm also working on a second - kind of the yang to "Chapter 2's" ying. It will be a trance, and vocal happy trance mix. I'm really excited about that one, my vinyl record bill has gone from no records to about 19 last week. :) And my wants list is about $450-600 strong. Next paycheck....

I also wanted to extend a happy holidays to everyone, no matter what you may celebrate this time of year, I hope its filled with joy. I will be working just like 90% of every other DJ on New Years Eve, which I'm really looking forward to. I have an excuse now as to why I will spend yet another year without a new year's kiss. Does like a 2am fuck buddy kiss count?

I've recently recieved two text messages. I can only guess who they are from, one says something about the song "Hey Ya!" and the other talks about packing up her apartment and finding shit that's mine. The latter must be Serena, and the first is a shot in the dark, but I think it's Caitlin.

The reason why I mention this is because I lost my phone on my birthday. I have lost all my phone numbers. If you're texting me thinking I'll know who it is, you're wrong, I don't. Unless, that is, I got your number after I bought my new phone.

There was stuff here that I deleted. I deleted it because by saying what I want to say would only open up the doors for more shit talking behind my back. So, I will refrain.


In the past two months I have done a lot. I'm back on top of my bills and I'm capable of having a good time while still staying on track. Unlike some people I've heard about - I've been laying low instead of going out and screwing the first thing I see. And the second and third thing, for that matter... It's been pretty boring, but on the other hand I've gotten in touch with my DJ skills, my financial skills, and my ever-needed friendship skills. And while I'm on the subject, I wanted to send a thanks to my new friends, and wish them a great new year. They were just what I needed to move on from all this bullshit - no drama, no picking sides or lying or shit talking - just good fun with good company. I know that sounds a little gay but whatever, I just want to say I appreciate it.

The army has gotten a hold of me finally - and it's not as bad as I originally anticipated. I thought they were going to activate me, but really they just wanted to get a hold of me altogether. So that's fine, I'm looking into transfering units to get a fresh start.



The Spring is coming. I want to let you all know that you can expect great things to start coming from me. I have made the decision to dedicate my life to music, and I will show it to all of you in the years to come. Starting late January or late February, I will be looking for a club to start DJing, gaining some experience and making a name for myself. I'm no longer the guy that starts something but never finishes. I'm no longer the guy with big dreams with no way to chase them. I am taking control over my life and I'm not letting any of the shit-talkers get to me. Keep an ear out for the name J Phoenix, cause I have big hopes to have it pop up all over Arizona, the U.S., and maybe even the world. But let's start small, how about... Phoenix.

Here's how you can get more information about me and J Phoenix:

First here - djjphoenix.blogspot.com - This is where you will find the personal side of my life, I won't be bashing anyone anymore, nor will I be involving any of my old or new friends. It'll just be me, Justin, and my experiences.

Next is J Phoenix's Official website - www.djjphoenix.com - It is down right now but it should be up finally before the new year. There's a couple secrets and "easter eggs" that I have placed around the site, make sure you turn your volume up because there will be music playing.

Also there's my MySpace site - www.myspace.com/djjphoenix - This will be the news hub for me as J Phoenix and will have lots of candid pics and will give you all the chance to say hi and send me love.

Let's not forget my still-strong internet radio station - DancePhoenix - found at www.live365.com/stations/smoked54 - It'll feature all the newest and hottest dance tunes ranging from deep house to trance. Starting in the spring as well, DancePhoenix will be host to live mixes of mine, as well as some of my new DJ friends. If you are a DJ and would like to host a mix on DancePhoenix, I will leave my emails below.

Here's my emails:

Me - JPhoenix@djjphoenix.com

For information about submitting a mix for DancePhoenix - DPMixes@djjphoenix.com

For Questions, Comments, Shout outs, or anything else to me or any of the DJs performing or appearing on DancePhoenix - DPInfo@djjphoenix.com



Ok that's it. Once again everyone - whether you hate me or not - Have a great holiday and new year. I will see you again, but until then, take care.


j*PhX

The Last Blog

I'm trying to think of a good place to start. Let's start in the obvious place: Serena. I'm tempted not to say anything at all, because of what has happened between us. However, I guess I owe to her and others to explain one last time my actions - even though I don't think I need to.

Serena once told me that she has one best friend, and I'm it. She said that she only has one best friend and there's room for only one in the world. I said that she was mine as well. But mine was different, I could have more than one best friend, cause if a girl is my best friend... Then who's my girlfriend? A Stranger? My Wife?

I don't have either of those, so I don't really know - but I did know that if Serena was one of my best friends, but that I wasn't in love with her, there had to be room for more.

Serena was jealous. Very jealous. She wanted madly to be my one and only best friend and she tried so hard and put in so MUCH effort to gain my friendship. Effort that was wasted because it only had negative effects on me. I guess I should appreciate her, for what she's done for me - in all honesty she has pretty much gone broke to help me out. But why? Why did she do all that? Why did she provide so many things just so I would be her friend? Alternative motives? Probably not, she of all people should no that I had no intention of getting back together with her. She said she just liked getting me stuff, things that I don't ask for but yet she offers, without hesitation. I guess that's what's different between us, I think I'm a little bit stingier with what I can give away. But now that I think about it, there were countless times I was there for her, too... and countless times I said thank you for them, and oh, I continued to have sex with her as a little bit of a thank you as well... Yes it was mutual enjoyment, but how many times have I said - yo! No more sex! But every time I come running back!

So why do I feel guilty for the things she gets me? I feel guilty because with every dollar that she spends on me, is another pound hanging over my head to one day come crumbling down upon me. I don't want that. I don't want to feel guilty. I want a mutual friendship that won't guilt me into going out when I have no money, that won't make me think that it's OK for them to spend all their money because it makes me happy. Bullshit. Save that shit for my birthday or something and let's stay home tonight. It's only Tuesday and I drop $20 on beers and food and that shit adds up. I'm broke - I'm not going anywhere. You know what I'm saying? So then I end up going out, and yes I have a great time - and of course I'm appreciative of her paying for stuff but the guilt that I feel after or even during - I end up paying for it more.

And it doesn't help that every friggin' time I have a little problem with her she dangles "all she's done for me" over my head like a piano from the 10th floor. That's just throwing salt in an open wound. I don't need that shit in my life and I won't have it.

Never once have I had drama in a friendship before Serena. Even after - with Michele and Mariah and the guys coming along, I had and have no drama with them. I hate drama, I don't need it - considering all the drama that I have in my life already, there's no need to have drama... WITH MY BEST FRIEND! If I'm gonna have drama, I end the drama - that's it. Serena caused drama in my already Shakespearian life so I ended it, I ended us. Again.

She'll do shit to set this mood off - I can't really say any of it is her fault. I mean all she did was write something private in her blog and I snapped at her. OK so I was a little upset. Turns out that it wasn't very important, the person it was written about wasn't mad at all.

But some of the things she does to defend herself were - I don't know - honest? People say that you are honest the most when you are angry, that when screaming you are honest because you don't stop to think of the words you say, and you just say them. Your adrenalin pumps so much that it basically pushes out thoughts from the subconscious and out they go, no matter how harsh they may be. "I don't know why I'm friends with you..." came out in one of her emails. Now, that's not very harsh - it's actually quite true when you think about it. Why are we even friends? We don't have THAT much in common except for our music tastes, and we consistently annoy the shit out of each other. So other than the guilt trips and going out blowing all my cash all the time things were pretty good I guess... that's sarcasm if you didn't catch it. Why were we even friends? We always fought, she was always jealous, and she consistently got pissed when I didn't come out with her - making me feel yet again, guilty. No matter what I did I felt guilty. So, basically, for all the good things she did do for me, there was an equal and opposite guilty or negative feeling or action to go with it. So was it worth it? Fuck no and I'm out!

We've given eachother so many chances and gone back so many times that now it's almost useless to try again. It's inevidible that this kind of thing will happen again and I'm just so drained that even the slightest thing could set me off. I'm not cool with that.

Instead I told her it was over. It was just out of control and her issues were only making things worse. She's not the only one though. I'm tired of bouncing back and forth between friends... burning my bridges and then desperately holding on to the other side to get them back. I'm tired of being the drama king of the group and focussing on everybody else's problems. For a final change, I'm going to go to work on me. It's me time.

I'm starting with Serena, only because she was closest to me here in AZ, we spent much of our free time together and so naturally it means she's going to be the hardest to fall.

Jessica is next. Jessica won't be to hard, she's leaving tomorrow to go back to Chicago and reset her life... and put it back in order. She may actually be doing much of the same things I'm doing - working on Jessica time. Jessica and I will always be best of friends no matter how little we talk, so I'm not worried about that. When she has news - she'll fill me in.

Then there's my brother. My brother Brian recently kicked me out of the house. I lied to him, and so therefore he got pissed and threw me out. After about a month of thinking about that one, I've come to the conclusion I'm better off. No offense to my brother, but I don't really miss him right now. Living with him for a while was enough to get my fill of Brian, I think I'm good for a while. It'll be back to small doses from now on. At least for a little bit, as I continue to work on me time.

Then there's my other friends. I have a couple friends, mostly the SKM crew of DJ's and MC's that all hang together, plus a couple others. I'll be seeing them again one day - I mean I have to work with them so it's not like I'm avoiding them. But it's me time now, I'm gonna lay low and take care of this situation I'm in.

So that's it. It's over, the blog, the website, all of it will be gone by Oct. 31st, next week. Not disappearing forever, just for a little while, as I put things in order. I will be successful, I have no alternative this time. It has to be the best I can do or I won't make it.

The future? Well when I come back expect to see some big changes. A new name, first, because although I LIKE DJJ, I don't love it - and I want to love it. So I'm thinking of a few names that says "Justin Chapin, the bad-ass, high classed, superstar, singer DJ" in a couple choice words or less. The blog will change, no more of this personal thoughts and bashing people on the internet crap. My web page will change as well, with more stuff like new photos, a bio, demos, and some sample songs that i'll be writing. It'll also be a portal for my once and for all finalized dance music/DJ forum.

I've said it before, it's time to change, and that's just what I'll be doing. I'll be going underground for a while, but I'll be back.. one day.

To all my friends, old and new, thank you.

This is the end of my little blog, take care.


Justin Chapin - DJJ

Quick update

I just wanted everyone to know a couple things going on...

I currently have some big things happening in my life - a lot of them are bad, and I will be talking about them soon, when I have more energy (I'm not dying or anything so relax). For right now I just wanted to let everyone know:

My internet radio station, DancePhoenix, is going off the air as of October 30, 2005. We could not raise any revenue from the station therefore it must be closed. Maybe someday in the future we will bring it back.

My website should be completed soon, I have been side-tracked with things going on lately, stay tuned to the web for more updates on that.

My other website (IDKADT.com) is back to the drawing board as you may have heard. We are beginning planning of this new site and what will be the greatest community project on the web.

My first demo, DJJ in the Basslines, will soon be posted back to the web with the completetion of the website. I will be annoucing my newest demo very shortly so stay tuned for that.

Lost is the greatest TV show ever and I wish I could come up with some really cool web hoax that would make people think that I have answers to it and they can waste all their time searching the web as I have.

Jessica finally called me. She told me she ignored me because she just didn't really feel like talking to anyone. I guess that's fine, at least she called me!

Serena got pissed last night when I was talking to the very lovely bartender at the Scortch Bar. I asked the girls name - her name was Jessica. I told her that's a very nice name. Serena got pissed. Sick jealousy. I just simply like that name, it has nothing to do with my best friend. More on that when I have the energy.

My brother got pissed at me and kicked me out of the house. So now I'm mooching off of Serena which I don't like. I'm sleeping on her couch bed. I'll talk more about that when I have the energy.

I'm still broke. But I got a nice haircut. Very cool. :)

Talk to you all later, that's the news, to me.

Deep Cuts

This week's alternate titles: "Phlem blows," "I always knew," "Lost and Found," "Broken Joke," and my personal favorite, "Do you REALLY wanna hear my opinion?"

Show me you love me by leaving me a comment. Even if it means lying to me.

WELL,
So I'm back again with another post that will take you about 2,809,801,273,698,123,476,124,783,698 hours to read. But don't fret, I broke it up into chapters yet again so you can give yourself a little mental bookmark and come back. I have some new stuff going on, some new people to talk about, and well - some old stuff I have to tie up before I'm done with that.

First off, let me just say that right now, I am really fuckin' tired. So while I'm thinking about it, I want to apologize that if any of this sounds like it was written by a 4 year old, well, that's about how old my brain feels...

"Everybody have fun tonight" or "You saved my life"

So last Wednesday I went out. Stupid move to go out on the weekday I know, but I was being payed for, twist my arm more right?? I went with Serena to Margarita Rocks - a beach club in downtown Tempe, AZ. Cool place, a bunch of bikini-clad cockail waitresses complete with whipped cream. Good Scene. The DJ sucks though, but I don't think it's so much that he actually sucks, I think it's more to the effect that he doesn't give a shit because they make him play crap music. A residency is a residency tho, I guess. So I guess I'd be happy just to have one at all.

So Michele and Juan were supposed to show up there about 11. Well, after a while we got a little worried, cause it was about 12:15 and... no Michele! She was at another club where some DJ was playing out and she was gonna stay until he was done. Well, he didn't stop until like 1:30. So all the while there we were sitting there waiting for her to show up, and nothing! But that's not what pissed me off. What got me angry is that she kept texting me saying that oh yeah I'll be there I'll be there. Dude we waited until close at 2am. I wasn't very happy.

So then I was mad at Michele. Well, yesterday she texts me with this urgent text: "Dude you have to help me I will do anything for you ANYTHING, yada yada yada..." She wanted me to cover for her this coming Saturday at her event. Dude, WTF?! You ditch me on Wednesday and now all of a sudden I'm your only hope? You're barkng up the wrong tree, buddy. So, with me starting this new honesty up front thing, I told her exactly how I felt. And you know what? It worked! Folks I'm gonna quote myself: "The truth sucks, so you might as well get it over with."

She apologized. Basically what I told her is that I felt like she didn't exactly value my friendship, she did only when it was convenient for her and I wasn't cool with that. She turned around right away and offered to take me out to dinner.

So I went out last night, despite my better judgement. But I had a good time, we went to sing Karaoke (of course) at a new place I'd never been, Giligan's. To be honest it kinda sucked. No one sang except for me so it was like the J show and so that bummed me out a little. On the flip side, however, I did get a chance to show off to some new people that had never heard me sing before. That was, including some young ladies :) but I coulda been Justin Timberlake up there and they were still all over my buddy Juan. That dude's a pimp. He's got chicks givin him lap dances, two at the same time and I'm sitting there open lap like a loser. It seemed to me a couple times that Serena wanted to jump on my lap, but I'm glad she didn't - last night was just about the first night when we were just... buds. Nothing flying back and forth, no sexual inuendos... nothing, just friends. It was a nice change of pace.

As for Michele, she gave me some big hugs at the end of the night. We're cool now, and I'm covering for her on Saturday.

But I wanna talk about Michele a little bit. Nothing bad, I just wanted to say a little something. Last Wednesday before she didn't show up someone asked me what she looked like, and what she was like. I paused for a moment, because there's no words that can describe this completely unique, gorgeous, crazy, multi-talented, DJ, artist, welder, dancer, photographer, stripper girl. There's nothing... I just told him - when she's here, you'll just know it. I mean it's like that. She has a social presence, like one should have on stage she has in public. She walks in, and people immediately notice. She doesn't play the whole "look at me! look at me!" card either... it just comes naturally for her, people just love her from the first second they talk to her and they all just want to be her friends. It's rediculous! I guess in a way I was sucked in a little, too. She's infectious, like a disease that you just can't shake - but in some way you don't want to get rid of it either. I could only imagine what she'd be like in bed, probably something like kama-sutra-meets-Phoenix-Zoo-type sex. But, now she's got a new guy that she feels very strongly for.. and you know what? That's cool. I'm OK with that, because in all honesty I would LOVE to get with her, but - I think it's best that we didn't. Unless she's completely cool with meaningless-ass-spanking-doggystyle-maniac-maaaaaaaaaniac-sex, well then I'm in!

"I've Got Two Tickets to Paradise" or "I'll buy my own Birthday Present, Thank you."

Speaking of meaningless sex, I'm not having any with Serena anymore! I'm trying, I really am, to not end up in horny situations where I get the tempation to sleep with Serena again. She has to be in it, too, and I think she is.. this time we're making a pretty consious effort to NOT have sex. Can you believe that? I had a perfectly fine fuck buddy and I don't want to do it anymore? Dude am I a man at all? Yes, I think I'm a good man - and that's a pretty stand up thing to do. I mean considering I've been practically using her for a year, I think it's time I come to my senses.

I was thinking all of this until I read her latest blog entry - which is basically an entry dedicated to how good I am in bed. OK, here's the long of the short of it...

I know she likes me in bed. She thinks I'm the best she's ever had - here's the problem -
1) No woman will ever sleep with me as long as I'm sleeping with Serena.
2) I will never go look for another woman while I'm sleeping with Serena, because I can just go do her - why look?
3) If I don't stop sleeping with her, she's never gonna really "get over" me, however you would like to put it - and SHE will never find another man.
4) I don't think it's fair to either of us to continue using each other.

Sure, I like having sex with her. She's great, I always said it takes two people to have great sex. And there will be times when I do want to have sex with her - She knows all of my buttons, so it's easy for her to turn me on. But I want to try, try not to do this anymore - it has, and will continue to get in the way of our friendship. But here's her side:

1) She doesn't want to have sex with me based on the way she feels *anymore* but she really is just horny and wants to simply fuck my brains out.
2) No man is good enough for her in the sack but me
3) Can't we just do it... one...last...time??!! As she approaches with hand poised for my manhood...

Look, she's said it - she doesn't know why I continue to have sex with her because I'm just using the way she feels about me against her to get my rocks off. Well - that's not cool! A fuck buddy by definition is:

Fuck Buddy ('fuk bud'ee) n. - a man or woman that has sexual relations with another person with no emotional or spiritual attachment. Friends with benefits.

So as you can see - this isn't a fuck buddy situation here, it's a Justin has a fuck buddy but Serena has a guy she still loves using her situation.

I had a fuck buddy once. Her name was Jackie. Now she was a fuck buddy. Literally she would call me up at 1130-130 at night, invite herself over, do me, and leave - and then she wouldn't talk to me for weeks! She had the same feeling about me in bed that Serena had - as Jackie put it - "I need some more of your wonderful sex!" That whole thing kinda ended a little while before I met Serena, I think my last time with her was when she and Bill were still dating.

So anyway, I don't know, I'm trying but maybe she doesn't exactly want to try as much - we will have to see.

She is going to be getting me a birthday present. She came to me last week and was like "I'm buying you a really big birthday/Christmas present." And my mind goes, hmmm... Tiesto tickets? But I played along for a while. I knew she was gonna do that, it's hard to hide when she's got the poster in her apartment up there, she's been talking about it for weeks and so I'm supposed to be surprised? Come on now, dude. So I was very split in my reaction to this. The devil side of me says "YEAH! Vegas! VIP to Tiesto! Orgies everywhere and I'll fuck the shit out of Serena!! WOO HOO!!"

But the angel side of me says, whoa, J...hold up a little bit. Do you really want to accept a gift of this magnatude? Ok it's kinda payback for LA, plus birthday/Christmas, but does that justify at all? I mean these are expensive tickets, plus a hotel room, plus the hold'em tables (oh, you know it!) Is it really worth going up there and fucking our friendship up some more by potentially fighting, maybe having more sex, more feelings crossed... blah blah blah... I was worried.

I decided to take a little of the both sides. Party it up, but be a good boy. That's what I'm going for. No sex, with Serena at least, but still have a good time at the concert and stuff. And I mean why not? It's fuckin' free baby yeah!!

It's all messy - I don't know what to do there.

And who am I gonna talk to about it? Jessica? Jessica has been kind of ignoring me lately. There's gotta be something up and she's not telling me - she's not telling me because she doesn't want to hear it from me I think.

What doesn't she want to hear that she hasn't already heard from somebody else (i.e. her mother)? I mean, I've told her how I've felt about this whole Jonathan subject, but there's two sides. In my opinion, yes, she's dumb if she goes back to him. No amount of counseling could win me over, he's a liar and a cheater, once and always.

BUT!! I do love Jessica, with all my heart and as much as I may think she's making bad decisions, well shit we've all made tons of bad decisions... I will still love her the same and hope for her happiness everyday. That's all I really can do, she's a big girl, older than me, more experience... who am I to be her voice of reason? She's the one who makes the Jessica decisions and there's not much I can do about it.

BUT!! I want to know what she's thinking, feeling... I've been temped to just email her and ask her whats up - but I've already called her twice and text her a couple times, since I haven't gotten much of a response I've been just leaving her alone. That doesn't mean our friendship is over, no, I know how she feels - so this is why I'm comfortable with not pushing this on her a lot. She'll talk to me when she's ready.

BUT!! I do want to spend some time with her before she goes back to Chicago, she will be going home soon I'm sure, I haven't gotten an "official date" but she said early October... which is now...

She did ask me about my college search recently. I have to be honest, it's not great. I found some great colleges and even started a couple applications, but I'm still so discouraged about the whole thing. My grades SUCK, even from high school. My credit sucks as well so how will I even be able to get student loans? I'm gonna try, I mean - I have to - college is very important and I'm sure I can find a way, but where do I do? Who do I talk to? Jessica can guide me as far as the early process, but there's so so much to do. I could just as easily work the local club circuit here as a DJ and wish my way to the top... Blegh...

"Tiki and Toto" or "Let's party like its 1999"

Speaking of DJing, I've had a few more MC events, with one this coming Friday as well. MCing is nice, it's tougher, but in a way I feel more comfortable now doing it. The stuff we have been scripted to say is perfect everytime.

I've been out of the nest, too. Big events, the last couple weeks have really given me the opportunity to shine as an MC. The first of which, was a 1st year wedding aniversary, since they didn't have a party when they got married in Vegas. BIG event. Outside in the courtyard of the North Scottsdale J.W. Marriot, a hawaiian theme and I bring the WHOLE deal, intel lights, full sound package. Incredible. We were set up in an hour, record timing and we had about two hours to kill because there was hardly a rehearsal! I like getting to all my events drastically early, so I can get there, get all my equipment in, set up, and just feel comfortable with how much time I have. That event turned out to be awesome.

Last week, another big event - and it was, kinda like a transistion for me. Like I said before, I had been working as an MC with my boss being the DJ, these past couple times have been without him, and I think it's been a sort of, transition for me. I'm on my own now, I can make it mine and really start creating a personality for myself. So last week was a young couple. Mid-20's, BIG 80's fans. They requested absolutely no music for me to work off of so me and my boy Juan were flying solo. We got there early, as per my great planning, and it was a good thing, too, because I left a couple important pieces of information back at the office. Phew! So finally after setting up, and FLYING back to the office, I returned for the event.

It was awesome, the guests were pumped, I didn't even need to do much to get them all worked up. We set a loop for "clocks" by Coldplay, and Juan was the man... I finished introducing the bridal party, and it kicked in... With a huge boom over the speakers I step out of the way as I say my line, people could hardly hear me because the cheering rumbled the walls as the bew bride and groom entered. What a sight to see. It could have been the biggest cheers I have ever given to a bride and groom, and I played right off of it.

Right after dinner it almost looked as if we wouldn't be able to do this. We were 20 minutes late and then daddy wanted to grab the mic and give a 3rd toast. If my quick-thinking bride hadn't have grabbed the mic from him, we would have been going on forever! So dancing got started. I had told the bride that we were going to knock out some older tunes first to leave room for all the stuff she wants later. Dude, I'm here to say I had a packed dance floor for 95% of the night. Juan and I were diggin' DEEP in the crates that night. But you know how I knew this was a transition event? I got my first hug from the bride. Not only a hug, but a kiss on the cheek and a $100 tip for Juan and I to split, now that is GREAT!

So I was happy. I'm starting to actually look forward to new events in the future.

By the way, it has taken me two nights to write this post, so some refrences to "yesterday" most likely meant it was written the first day, as in Tuesday.

"When I get the Chance I'll..." or "Tune in next time for..."

Does anybody else LOVE the show "Lost" like I do? I mean, I have actually made a point not to miss this show every week. So tonight, the big night - will we get some loose ends tied up? I mean Jesus we've been sitting on the edge of our seats for two weeks now, wondering what all this crap means and they just have left us with nothing - except the same exact spot we were the first ep.

So the numbers, what are they? I mean, ok they have been laughing at us with this numbers game... they show up EVERYWHERE, either as all of them spread out or... 108... now 108 has some depth, has anyone heard of 108 sins? It's deep. So I'm excited. I'm not gonna get too far into this because I could honestly dedicate a whole second blog entry to it.

But what I will talk about is what's going on with "that damn site." That's right, remember idontknowadamnthing.com? Yeah, it's gonna be back soon. Slowly but surely I'm building a new site that will ROCK your world. More on that in a second - because first I want to say that my biggest priority is my DJJPHOENIX site. It's undergoing a facelift (hence the new colors) and I'm making new graphics for it and stuff. And as soon as Serena and I get our acts together, we'll be getting together for a new photo shoot that will make me look dead sexy!!

But back to idkadt.com - In place of the forums for right now I'm going to place a link to a little fund-raiser I'm doing. The same link is on the sidebar under the "Starving Artist Relief Fund" or, STAR for short. Here's the gist... I'm broke. Really broke. I'm making money and stuff but there's not enough money left over to put to savings and such, to buy new equipment. So I'm not gonna go anywhere unless I can get some money to start paying for all of this. Well, that's where I came up with the idea for STAR. STAR will benefit artists like me, to give them money to pay for pretty much anything, but it's mainly to make them capable to buy new expensive equipment. We provide entertainment for you. And a lot of talented people out there will never get a start because they just don't have the money these days. Well I think that's bullshit, all talented young individuals should, and because of STAR, WILL have the ability to have that chance they need. I need that chance, and once I raise some money I will give others that chance. I'm not doing this as a get rich-quick scheme. I'm being honest here I really do want to do something about this! So donate today to STAR, and help your starving artists get their dream!

Alright that's it. You made it! It's the end! The Finale! I'm Done! Finished! Stick a Fork in me! Go to bed! Close the Book! Turn off the TV!

Goodnight.

The Long Drive Home

Alternate Titles: "Out of the Blues" or "Salad at Midnight" or "It's a girl problem!" or my favorite, "You've been Blogged!"

I'll have to warn you, this one is a long one - so to make it easier on you, I broke this post into "chapters" so you can stop and come back.

I have a lot of things to talk about. Every night this weekend I had to do the long trek home from the opposite sides of Phoenix back to my distant town of Goodyear. My car is going to be the death of me I guarantee it, I've put more miles on it last week than I have last month. I had to get my brakes fixed, as you know, came out to be $500. Not cool. One of my rotors, wasted. Now I'm broke enough to consider myself homeless even though I still find my way back to the house with barely enough gas and only nickels left.

I did get paid. That was nice - that lasted about 30 seconds while all my other bills cleared. I have a check for DJing, I know I'm a DJ because now I'm starting to complain that I don't get paid enough for it. Jesus - what has happened to me? My mother read my blog for the first time last week and she commented that I was too hard on myself. Yeah, I'm pretty tough on myself, I know - but folks I'm almost 23, and I have NOTHING to show for what I have made. My car is always on the verge of being taken away, with that goes my insurance, followed by my phone, and then finally my home. Do you think I can be homeless and still get to work everyday? I mean, if I show up and I don't stink too bad then I would probably have a whole lot more money! This is all just pondering thought, I'm not going to be homeless any time soon.

But I did do a lot of thinking on all these fuel-sucking drives home, Saturday night I did the most, mainly because I had to do all this thinking just to keep myself from falling asleep. As it was, towards the end of my drive I was so tired I started hallucinating. Let me tell you how awakening it is to see trees running around in my neighbor's yard...

First, for Serena - I talk about you in this post later - so don't fret, you're in here.

So is just about everyone else, by the way. I've gotten a lot of complaints recently about me blogging people, that they don't appreciate the things I say about them on here. They say that finding out how I really feel on the internet is not the best way to hear about it, that I should express this stuff to them personally. I agree - I should. However, I won't, because let's face it, the truth sucks. I was a liar all my childhood, it's easy for me. I can tell you a story that will have you clinching your own ass waiting for the hopefull happy ending only to drop you into tears in pain because of the dramatic ending, only to find out years later that it was pulled completely out of my ass. Point being, I know how to make up something if needed - not on the spot, no - but give me 12-18 hours and you've got a novel.

But here's the problem, how is that helpful? How can I positively benefit from not being 100% honest? But see I still have a problem with it. Now it's not so much lying, it's more like "widtholding information," which lately, in my opinion is just plain shitty. But we all do it, we all say little white lies to hold the truth, we all tell eachother everything's just fine and there's nothing wrong. Or we'll say that we don't want to talk about it, or that one day we'll say it but not today, but it's only a temporary relief from the fact that one day, sure as shootin', the truth will come out. That's one of the few lessons I actually learned from my mother, speaking of, that lying is only a temporary relief. No one wants to take responsibility anymore, they all sit here and say 'it's someone else's fault, and I shouldn't have to deal with it.' Or we push things away by saying that we don't care and it doesn't bother us when - you know what - IT DOES FUCKIN' BOTHER ME. Shit bothers me, all the time, I'm bothered. I'm either dissapointed or angered or let-down. From my old philosophy "expect the worst, get the best," doesn't really hold true anymore... because I have high expectations these days. I tried, I really did try to have that positive outlook, and the rose-colored-glasses, but the problem that comes up is that I always end up getting shafted, getting fucked over because I'm just a 'nice guy.' What I found was, you have to contain both philosophies, so my new one is: "Expect the best, if you don't get it, maybe next time."

"Maybe Next Time"

So, let's start with Friday. Payday. I was high as a kite - I had gotten some money, my brakes were fixed, all my tasks for the day were done, and I had called all my up coming brides to set up meeting times. Plus, this was a special night, because I was heading out to see a familiar friend that I hadn't seen in a while, Michele. Oh, Michele, Michele. What can I say about Michele? If I were to pick a phrase to encompass all that is Michele, I would say, "hold on tight." Because if you hang with Michele, you're jet-set for a crazy ride. But this time it was different, this time, she wanted to be with me. She wanted to hang with me and talk to me and see ME. I got phone calls saying "dude, I can't wait to party with YOU," it made me feel wanted again, like I had someone actually missing me. Someone new missing me, I guess I should say... cause I know there are others out there that miss me. Anyway we set it up as a "could be a date," because according to Michele, it's only a date if there's kissing at the end.

So we met up. Michele was in her usual, very unique, sporty, yet extremely somehow sexy outfit. This time, as I don't see this very often, a tight little cammo mini skirt and big black boots and a black tank. She had her hair up, though - I'll have to be honest her hair down is just splended.

Anyway, everything was going great - the whole time thinking, was I gonna finally get with this girl? I mean, she's gotta know that I want to, after all the compliments and game-talking... she's gotta know, right? Well we sat down to dinner at happy hour. Sushi. I actually like sushi now, I never used to.. the thought of raw or slightly cooked fish made me just twinge with sickness - but I actually like some of it! It's very in-crowd, too, so everytime I eat it I feel like I'm all cool and stuff. I'm a dork.

But soon after, a friend of Michele's joins us. Infact, during the night, more and more friends started tagging along and becoming a part of our "could be a date." So here's where it got dissapointing. I was disregarded. I was an 11th wheel or whatever it was, and I wasn't mad - don't get me wrong! I mean I was getting into clubs for free and a couple free drinks and meeting new people, all great, great things - just not what I expected. As I said though, it was totally fun anyway, sometimes I just need to learn to be flexible! We went to about 5 different places. All the while we were picking up new friends, having new scenes. But it was one point that things started taking a turn back to the 'original idea.'

My SKM buddies showed up. FINALLY! I took off - Michele still had stuff to do, but since I was driving I knew she wouldn't go far - so I left with Adrian and Juan to head to Drift, a place I've been only once before. Michele met me there and reminded me that I was supposed to drive her home and hang out with her a while... "!"

Yeah, me and 5 others - come on, what did I expect - a close encounter with the hottie alone at the house? Doubtful.. This time, though, I just went with the flow and hung out. Michele was trashed - actually everyone was. Except for me, the DD, who drove everyone in Michele's truck back to the house to hang and spin records.

This is where the thinking began. It was 4am, 5 of us were chillin' at the house - Michele is just about passed out. It was time to go. So, I stole one more little kiss from the cheek and a hug, and I thanked her for the good time. Because here in the end I felt - you know what? I don't need her alone. I don't really even want her to my own. Sure, Michele is gorgeous, she's full of life and she always somehow has a way to just make me feel like a million bucks. But I don't want her. If the situation came up where I was alone and there were sparks flying... well then I'd give it to her the right way like a Chapin shoud, but, I have different expectations for her. She's gonna be a great friend of mine, above all else. She knows... EVERYBODY. I'm just amazed at the ability she has to just go out there and meet new people and treat everyone like they're her best friends already. I envy that. She's gonna be a good friend of mine.

I called her the next day and thanked her for hangin out with me. I felt good - I had a "not really a date" with Michele... and friends.

"Not Really a Date"

Saturday came pretty quick. Luckily, I had prepared ahead of time for the big day ahead, my next MC event. This time I was kicked out of the nest, my DJ was NOT my boss for once, gave me a chance to work with someone else and get used to changing my approach.

I'd say about Wednesday I recieved an email from an old acquaintance. I say acquaintance because I only saw her face-to-face for one day. The story goes: This girl at the bridal show approaches me as if she needs a DJ. The truth was, she wasn't a bride, but she still needed a DJ... me. To the point when I gave her my email, and I think she gave me her number, but all-in-all, this chick was diggin' on me. She was pretty cute, too... by the way.

That was all until a co-worker of mine began to cock-block me! That little shmuck began to hit on this girl and - well wait a minute - we're at the bridal show, I'm working... I shouldn't be hitting on chicks anyway... so who gives a shit. Go for it little dude, it makes me look better. So this guy get's the girl. Turns out, they started going out and love was in the air and marraige thoughts after 3 months and blah, blah, blah...

Yeah then they broke up.

So who does she email? Me. She emails me and all of a sudden now she's all into me again? I could possibly go for this, I mean - I didn't really get to know her so maybe talking to her would be cool to get to know her a little bit would be cool.

So we started passing emails back and forth. Dude she's got a lotta shit goin on. Just problem after problem and it all seemed to be centered around her and my co-worker friend breaking up. I'm not even gonna get into that. The important part is that she started talking about that whole thing I was talking about a few posts ago - Friends, with benefits. Remember platonic friendships? It's that guy the girls keep in mind just in case somethin' fucks up. I totally was like - hey... that's not a bad idea! Something new to get my mind off of screwing you-know-who and moving on to something else, not really a challenge like Michele, but definitely something doable.

So Saturday night came, and let me tell you I was HOTT! I was WOWing the crowd at the reception and the bride and groom were totally cool, and very pleased with the outcome. So I was happy. I got good remarks from my DJ and then I was off - way the fuck out to East Mesa.

Here comes that butal honesty that no one likes... what the hell was I thinking? First off I didn't have the gas for this trip nor the money, but most of all - did I think I was actually gonna get with this girl? Dude this girl is still madly in love with her ex boyfriend and thinks he's like the mack-daddy in bed. She's infactuated with him and I expect to get laid? Folks, I didn't hardly know her. This was stupid. I went out there, hung out for all of about 2 hours, watching Big daddy as she sat on her lap top with a fake AIM SN talking to her ex-boyfriend as if she's a different person. Sure as shootin', within 20 minutes of talking to him, his drunk ass invited her over.

I was outta there. Thanks but no thanks, one guy at a time please. The long drive home got me thinking of all the stuff going on in my life. From Jessica, to Serena, and everyone in between.

"UFO's in the Mountains"

I didn't tell you, did I? About two weeks ago I was driving home, and when I get to the road leading into Estrella, it is pitch black - except for the past few nights because of the full moon. But other nights it is pitch black. Well one night I'm driving home and the weirdest thing, an orange glow was reflecting off a patch of clouds to the southeast, much like a big city does. I didn't think much of it.. I continued driving along. I had nothing to drink, and I was wide awake, and when I got to the stopsign where I normally turn.... WOW! Three large orange lights in a line in the high sky, making that glow upon the clouds. They were the same color as our standard street lights, which had me confused, because I had never seen these before. This was just incredible. I had to get a better look. So, instead of turning I went straight, I just had to find out what these were! What freaked me out is that they were so bright, and in such a definite spot, I knew immediately that I had never seen this before. It was just wierd. So I reported it. Who knows what they were but the next night I saw nothing, and I haven't seen them since. I went straight that night to get a better few, but almost as if they weren't ever there, they disappeared. Oh well, I can say I had a UFO experience now and everyone can think I'm crazy... that's just about all it's ever gonna be.

So Saturday night I'm driving home from the girl's house. Kinda miffed because I'm an idiot. And some big thoughts came about. I guess it was Jessica that came into my mind first. She may or may not know this but, I'm not really happy with her right now.

Let me ask a general question, I know who will be reading this so I'm prepared for whatever negativity that may come my way. The question is: how does one prove themselves worthy if he/she has done something so bad and/or hurtful that this person can't be forgiven? That was a question that was asked of my brother and myself last week. How is it possible? Let's take Jessica's situation since everyone knows that's what I'm talking about anyway. As we know, her ex-boyfriend cheated on her, for years... with two other women. One woman, once, is terrible. But two women, for over a year... the phrase that comes to mind is "you don't deserve to have a dick." But woudn't you believe it, the girl that he wants above the other two (one of them his wife), is Jessica. Do you know what I said? So what? Tough shit, you fucked that one up.

It's tough, leaving something you're so sure is true and then waking up one day and finding it thrown right back in your face. Jessica had built her entire life around him, she MOVED to CHICAGO for him. Which by the way, was something that she promised me she wouldn't do unless she KNEW that it was going to work out. Luckily, Jess is an independant woman, and she was prepared... thanks to her mom for that advice. And so what I thought was over because Jess is so strong and all the big talk about her and all the admiration of her moving on... I'm only 90% sure that's true. I'm not so sure that she can't be convinced that this guy is scum for what he did and he can never be forgiven. Sure it's hard to leave what your so used to, and I can understand that. But hello? THIS GUY CHEATED ON YOU, LIKE A THOUSAND TIMES!!! So what if he's FINALLY getting his divorce, so WHAT if he tells you that you're the only one for him, SO WHAT he got a tattoo on his arm with some secret word, so what that he's going through a major life change. All those things are just reminders that he fucked up, and he's now alone because of it. There's no room for forgiveness here, and in my opinion, Jess - oh you're gonna be a little mad - you're a raging idiot if you took him back.

But I don't know if she really wants him back. Fact is, I really don't know anything - because according to her, after I recieved news of his finalized divorce, there's nothing more to say. She doesn't feel like talking to me about this. She doesn't want to share her feelings about this. Excuse me? I'm sorry, I thought I could deal with just dropping it but, Caitlin knows best - I'm a dweller. I will push those feelings aside at first because I want to avoid confrontation... but this is fucked up. Here I thought I was your best friend, that now I had reached a point where we share all of our thoughts and feelings - maybe not "brutal honesty..." Uh... now that I mention that phrase... that just brought up a whole can of worms... WHAT ABOUT BRUTAL HONESTY, HUH? Yeah man, you were REALLY brutally honest with Jess, weren't ya? Anyway as I was saying, here I thought we had reached a point in our friendship, and I guess I was wrong... I guess I am just someone you can say drop it to and I'll just walk away head down, not saying a word.

But you know what, after this, maybe I should be that guy. I love Jessica, very much so - she's one of... shit she IS my closest friend. And you know what? Be happy Jess, that's all I care about. Follow what your gut tells you... the FIRST time. Listen to your heart and just go do what makes you happy. As much as I may or may not disagree, your happiness is what counts. I'll give you my opinion directly if asked, but otherwise you can just read about it in here.

"Read all about it"

So that brought me to another common subject that night. Happiness. It's been a while since someone asked me if I was happy. I have a philosophy: "You can CHOOSE to be happy." And I believe it fully. And ultimately, I am. I'm happy - not satisfied... but happy to say the least. And I've been sort of searching for an answer the past few days about a question that popped in my mind at my last post... Why did I love Serena?

Don't be alarmed Serena, I did find an answer, and I think you'll understand what I'm talking about.

I have needs as a guy. I guess you can say that I'm rather dependent on people to help me out and make me feel better about stuff. Putting me #1 has always been the way I work, and then whenever there's a problem somewhere else, I'll be there if I can. Serena loved me. Like a lot, she loved me no matter what shit I did. I could have killed someone with no reason at all and she would have pretty much held my hand when I was getting my lethal injection. She was devoted to me, and you know what... I really loved that. On top of the great sex was someone that submitted to me and was there for me no matter what. Now, on the other hand there were things that upset me a little, say like the fact that got attatched really fast and I'm not ready for any of that, plus other stuff that just piled on that made this whole thing just shitty... but I loved the fact that she loved me. And still does, mind you. Now there are times when I don't even LIKE Serena. But, I do appreciate what she has given me, she gave me love. She changed for me and even though I got pissed because she shouldn't have done that, she did... and I loved that. And you know what? I want someone one day that's like her in that way, cause when I'm ready, I'll give back every last ounce of love and affection, and then some. I apologize for not seeing that before, that how much I casted away because I just wasn't ready. That's my fault. So I guess in this time apart we can both say that we've made some mistakes, and I'm sure I'll make more... but you'll always be a friend of mine - and I'll hold a little spot in my heart for you, too.



As time clicks by I sit and wonder if I'm ever gonna dig myself out of this mess, get a plan, execute and work my way up. All my plans from before seem to suffer because of money, or friends, or girls... all this is my fault and I was just seeking blame somewhere else. Sure, those other factors might have faults as well... but I could have avoided it, I really could have... It's all about choices.

This was a great weekend. It's time to get to work. Take care.

It's time to change

I don't know what you think, but I think my past couple posts have been pretty deep. They've been pretty truthful, I'm throwing it all out there for anyone to see.

Finally I have a chance to say what I really want to say and despite some negative comments, I think i've done a pretty damn good job. But let's get real here, no one gives a shit. All I am is a guy, who wants to be a DJ, and wants to be happy. That's it. End of story.

So why all the banter? Why am I writing and writing as if I have something to prove - as if some one somewhere is going to read this and just give me everything I need? All this has been is one big pondering bitch session and I don't know if that is what I wanted this to be. It has been an opportunity to hear what my "friends" really do think of me. How much they really do support me, and I know who they are now. I can see it.

It's time to change. I've gained lots of friends, and then lost a bunch. One day I'll do it again. My friends are the ones that support me no matter what decision I make. I've done a ton of things half-assed. I've started a bunch of stuff that I've never finished. I've sat here and made big proclaimations about how great it will be and I've never done it. Their right. I've been pretty much a failure all my life. My school grades, lack of education, lack of direction, lack of hope and drive... I had only a little bit of all of that.

But don't let it depress you, don't feel bad for me - I did it to myself, I made those decisions and that stuff has happened and I can't take it back. So before I tell you about where I'm going and what I plan to do about it, I want to talk about the last 3 years of my life.

The Last Three Years.

Here I was, sipping coffee at work, knowing that I was going to be in this job for a while, knowing that I had money to spend, knowing that I had friends to party with. I was still new to my job, I hadn't really met anybody yet, but in December 2002 I met Bill.

Bill led me to Caitlin, and their circle of friends. That was a fun time. I was 20 now and even though I had a fakey I never used it. We liked just hanging out and being friends. That was also the year I got a pretty scary false-alarm call from the army. But, if it wasn't for that false-alarm, I wouldn't have met Shelby, who was some one in the office that wrote me a letter. I didn't know Shelby, but I went and met her and she was very nice, and she invited me to lunch with her and her friends. That was really nice of her to do. It was then, that I met Jessica.

Jessica sat down at lunch with us and Shelby asked "so Jess how did the auditions go?"

Jess went on to say that not much talent showed up, they think they have some good people but they haven't made any decisions yet.
"What Auditions?" I said, my little ears perked up like Lassie's.
"Oh, nothing, I don't want to get into it." Jess said.
"No biggy I was just curious, you said auditions and I perked up a bit."
"What, can you sing or something?"
"Uh, Yeah. Actually I can sing."

That was the day I met Jonathan, the director, and got a part as Smudge on "Forever Plaid."

That show had to have been a big turning point in my life. After that I felt like I was a king. It was the talk of my friends, it was something I loved doing, and it introduced me to someone who would one day become one of my closest friends ever. I was happy. I was happy before but now I was happier. It was talk of the office, my parents were so proud, I was proud. But for every up in life there's a down, in my opinion, and I knew that it wasn't always going to be this good.

It did hold on for quite some time though. Soon after I was doing another show as stage crew. Now that was an experience. For a while I had been toying around with some new ideas. I had been interested in so many things but something about working as crew put a whole new angle on things I didn't think of before. Things I was good at but didn't know where to go with it. I met some great people during that show, talked to a lot of people that work with sound and lights, my eyes got so big and I was like a kid at a circus for the first time. Shortly after I remember a night at a bar called Fat Tuesdays - there I was spilling my guts to Jessica, again.

I wanted to be a sound engineer. That was it. I wanted to go to school, learn how to work the mixing board and light boards and go on tour with big names and make a bunch of money for being the un-sung hero of the concert. That was it. I went on for what seemed like 4 hours about this new career path. I loved music, and I have a great ear for it, I said. As if Jessica was gonna help - she just smiled and listened as I quickly became the authority on what I needed to be good at this job. I had no clue. And I never followed through with it. But I remember what Jess said to me that day. You see I knew Jessica was leaving soon, to go and live with her boyfriend in Chicago. I was happy for her and even though I didn't want her to go she left me with this quote:

"I wish I could take your passion, and your energy, and your ambition... and just bottle it up and take it with me. No matter what it is your just so whole-hearted in it, I can see a fire burning in your eyes like you can't wait to get started...and I just wish you could share some of that, cause I may need some when I get there!"

Yeah I had a lot of passion. When I get into something I am set straight - that's it there's nothing else. Must be why so many of my friends doubt me so much. I've wanted to be in movies, to write movies, be a director, be a singer, an actor.... I've wanted to be a computer genius or a graphics designer, a sound designer or light designer. A restaurant owner or a choir teacher. And yeah I'd still like to be all that stuff but I can't do everything in this world. It was time I made a real decision. Again, everyone doubted me. No one thought that I would actually follow through with this one. And no, I've not made it outside of my own house but I think I will. When I'm ready I will and once that happens, there's no stopping me. But this time I needed to be patient. I needed to see my path ahead of me and with lots of work and patience, I'll make it. This time, this time I found something that I can apply my passion, and ambition to.

Around I'd say... November of 2003 I met Krista, who is still somewhat a friend of mine, but Krista (on the day I met her I think I made out with her...) didn't really become significant until about February 2004. I finally convinced her to hop on over to our house, it was then that we met Serena.

Bill took a liking to Serena, to be honest I didn't really like her all that much but to each-is-own. I had a crush on Krista so Bill could do what ever he wanted. Then Krista tells me that she has a boyfriend and I'm like "?" but, whatever - apparently making out is allowed when you're on a "break."

Anyway well soon after, Serena was in the picture. We were all friends and I liked having her around and she was Bill's chick so it was cool. Krista was pretty much out of the picture. Serena was nice then, not very complicated, she worked during the day and came over and screwed Bill at night. Then all of a sudden Bill gets weird. Bill starts not liking her as much and very soon after, breaks up with her. Now - they were in Love - or they say. That was it for them and they were happy and then breakup? Weird. Bill tried to give it a second chance but it just wasn't working out.

Now I thought Serena was cute and all but I wasn't really attracted to her at first. It was simple to me, everything was simple. Bill was pretty broken up about the whole thing that it didn't work out but I thought it was Bill that broke up with her! Serena and I became sort of friends during all of this and well, I think she took a liking to me. What started with friendly flirting became real flirting and then real flirting became, well, sex. I mean that was pretty much it. That's all I wanted. And according to her that's all she wanted too, so we were cool, right? Nope. Bill didn't want me touching Serena. I never really understood what went on there.

I alienated my friends. The relationship between Bill and I started going sour and in our own separate directions. But I just couldn't tell him about Serena. He had to have known it wasn't like a secret to the rest of my friends. But can you believe it? No one told him. Ever. My friends stood up for me and took my side. They stood up for my happiness and just to protect Bill's happiness no one ever told him. Ever. Sure he suspected - but by then Serena and I were really close and so it could easily seem that we were just really good friends - or it could easily seem that we're fuckin', depending on how you look at it.

Korea came in August of 2004. One year ago. It was time to leave the nest and I flew with my army buddies including Bill to Korea for a month. Serena told me that she loved me.

Damnit. I didn't want that. But come to think of it - was that what I was doing? By sleeping with her and being with her all the time - how could she not feel that way? I mean I'm not boasting like I'm the greatest guy, but, we were together - love progresses over time when two people spend a lot of time together. And - could I love her back?

That's what I told her, that I did. But I didn't know - I mean - here I thought it was just sex and now I'm in Korea for a month with love in the back of my mind and one of my female army buddy's booty in the front of it. I mean, I could have had some great sex out there in Korea. It would have been REAL fun. But I didn't. I didn't do it - was it really love?

No. I wasn't in love - I was stupid. She was in love, sure. I didn't want it. I didn't want Serena - I couldn't picture being with her forever, we for damn sure wouldn't have gotten along. I was stupid, and this relationship had to stop.

So it did. I ended it. I wasn't ready for anything like that - I'm still not ready. Serena is LOOKING for that, that's her goal, that's what she wants. Not me. But - maybe we could still be friends... with benefits.

I'm not gonna lie to you, we had no problem in the bedroom. It was some damn good stuff. Not to give out TMI or anything. That's what I was enjoying - the sex - it was only sometimes that I actually enjoyed just hanging with her.

So, OK, around that point something terrible happened. Jessica was back to visit. Her father had past away and I'd be damned if I wasn't waiting at the airport to pick her ass up. That's just what I did. And in like the first instant that i saw her my smile broke out, I was the happiest guy in that airport to see her again. I knew it was hard times, so I wasn't even going to bother her. I drove her to her house and let her have her space.

I only talked to her a couple times that couple weeks that she was home. Her boyfriend had followed soon after, and I was fine.

But I wasn't fine - in fact. I was a little pissed that I didn't get to spend much time with her. The truth of the matter was, I had almost forgotten about her in the middle of all of this. And now - I decided to put that chapter in the books and move on from that friendship. We'd still be friends and call each other on occation, but that was it, she had her own life to live.

And I was still hanging with Serena. It was this point, around Feb of this year, that I started getting kinda nervous about my living arrangements. For some reason, Bill didn't seem to like me all to much. He had some new girlfriend that happily waltzed in and began living at the house - for free. While I'm struggling, Bill is supporting his new girlfriend. I had to get outta there. Time was up for Bill and I and soon after I found out the truth about how he really felt about me.

I moved in with my Parents, and from that point on, it was hell.

Not because I lived with my parents. More because of the principle of having to go back. I had to sit there and mooch off of my parents and to this day I have nothing to show for it. I gained some bad spending habits and got further and further behind. Habits I'm still paying for today. Plus, it didn't help that Serena and I were fighting and then making up and fucking, fighting then making up then fucking - not her fault. We have major differences and I think lately they've been beginning to show through. But what's more, some one who I thought I got rid of, who I thought I let go and was out and on her own and out in Chicago doing her own thing, was back.

*******************************************

I don't belive too closely in fate. I'd like to think that our lives are based on the choices we make and although there are consequences to every decision, we have control. I do however, think things happen for a reason. I mean I look back on these past three years and I see how everything connects. Everything has gone from being progression to almost perfection to the occational problems to the need for a life change. I see how I've grown and changed over the past three years and I realized that I'm not the same person I used to be. Sure I'm the same big dork and I still have the same values, that will never change. But I'm tougher now. I'm stronger. My head is screwed tightly on my shoulders and this time, this time I'm pointing in the right direction.

So, the future...

So here I am. I'm in a place now where I can just clean the slate. Take the time I need to clean up my life, make things better, and build a future for myself. It doesn't have to be here in Phoenix. People don't even like house music here in Phoenix. I need to get my life in order like I said I would three years ago and just go. No more half assed, almost started or almost finished projects. This time I'm going all the way. This time.

I'm not staying in Phoenix. I thought I would be able to create something here but there's nothing here for me. This is home base and I will keep it that way - I need to be out and about and I need a big ocean to wander in. So that's what I'm doing. I'm leaving. I've wanted to leave for so fuckin' long and I told myself no. I've asked myself, "should I go back to Delaware?" No. But I will go, away from here. I'm selling the car and buying a cheap k-car. It'll be enough to get me where I have to be and that's all I want. I'm gonna take some applied classes and get my grades up and find a college - that list is coming soon... colleges I'm looking at. I'm tired of sitting. I'm tired of being nobody. I'm tired of being a big fish in a small pond - I want to take on the ocean! But I have to start small... Like one of the annonymous comments... baby steps, right?

Fast, Easy, Elegant

Labor Day weekend. I always confuse it with Memorial Day weekend which is at the beginning of the summer. Isn't that convenient that there's two holidays, both at each end of summer? I mean, they could have put Memorial Day on the 12 of March, and Labor day in the middle of December - you know, that "holiday season?" But no, right there as if it was planned that way on each end of the summber - one to celebrate it's beginning, one for it's end. What do they mean anyway? What are we celebrating on Labor day? Is there a specific reason or is it an excuse for the Federal offices to close and have a barbeque? That seems to be the popular thing on these summer holidays - the Barbeque. Poppa bear sits up there behind his grill while the kiddies are in the pool, iced tea and beer flows and the dogs are playing fetch with the older sons. It's a big spectacle like it's expected - "hey J, ya havin' a BBQ this weekend?"

"No, Jerk-off, I stay inside where it's nice and cool, and I'll be eating a TV dinner."

But I did go to a barbeque this weekend. First, on Saturday it was off to the parent's house to pick up some old stuff. I had seen my parents the night before. My grandmother is in town and it truely was fun hanging out with them, playing cards, doing a lot of talking. We're not aloud to talk about Brian because he's on the Shit-list right now. Speaking of - I don't have much of a shit-list. What I'm trying to say is, I'm a pretty easy-going guy and it takes a LOT to get on to my Shit-list. There's a couple on the list right now, but the key thing is, once you're on the list - it takes a lot of work to get off the list. Same with my parent's Shit-list. You done f'd up if you got on that list, and I have a pretty good idea that Brian has found himself a comfortable spot on it.

So anyway, Saturday Jessica agreed to help me move the rest of my crap to my new home. There wasn't much there, just a couple boxes and a bike, we took it all in one trip. We hung out at the parents house for a little while. My mother LOVES Jess. She's a family friend. But I was talking to my mom the other day, and she told me that it's not so much that Jess is a better person or that my other friends are not good people - it's just that Jess is much more personable and outgoing. Although, I have always been under the opinion that my mother is a tough critic of the friends I bring around. But regardless, my mom was happy that I brought Jess to the house. It was then that we invited her and her mother to the house for the barbeque on Monday.

Anyway by the end of the night we finally got back to my house and unloaded the stuff - we hung out for a brief moment and then she left. I feel bad, too - because she could have stayed. I had mentioned to her that I talked to Caitlin, and that I was toying with the idea of taking the road-trip to her house (because I've never seen it.), and not that I think Jess was mad, but maybe a little miffed that I was kinda kicking her out so I can go do other things. It was a dumb idea anyway. No offense Caitlin, but I'm not going over there very often, unless we're going to party. But, I'm glad I got to see your house, it's very nice and your new hair color looks very cool. She colored her hair while I was there, watching American History X - which I had never seen, but I basically wanted to go kill myself after watching that, so that didn't help the party vibe! So after a couple beers I came home.

Sunday I had an event. It was a very long day. It was outside at this spooky little secret garden-type place, and I was sweating my nuts off in my tuxedo. What's worse - we couldn't even turn the music up because it was in a residential area. I wasn't very cool with that. But it was a success, even with the logistical problems - so who am I to complain?

The weekend seemed to fly by though, I mean before I knew it, it was Monday and the long weekend was almost over.

Let's talk about platonic friendships, first. A platonic friendship is when a guy and a girl are friends, and have no physical interaction between each other. So we're not talking about "friends with benefits," here. Past physical relation does apply however - like if you were having sex or making out with eachother before, but are now "just friends." Most of the time, however it simply to people of the opposite sex who love each other, but have no physical desire.

I have a couple of those. Emily and I have a platonic friendship, as does Jessica and I. Serena and I tried to have a platonic friendship, but we don't seem to have much success... however I'm working on that. Caitlin and I now have a platonic relationship - although I'm sure she wants to make out with me so that'll be crushed one day... ha ha I'm kidding. And I think we all have them with respective friends. But it is the great Chris Rock who said it best:

(This is not quoted because it is not exact, however this material is credit to Chris Rock) Woman always say - aw we just friends, we just friends. To men, women friends are just women they have not fucked YET. Not yet, cause sometimes you get with a girl and then you say the wrong thing and it sets off the friendship trigger. Then the guy has to wait to gain back that other track. But you see to women, girlfriends will come and go, boyfriends will come and go - but platonic friends, they'll keep them around for years and years. They keep them around just in case. Think about it guys, you mess up with your girlfriend she'll be fuckin' the guy you least expect - that platonic friend that's been hangin around. Cause to women a platonic friend is like a dick in a glass case. Break the glass in case of emergency.

Now that may not be all true - but I am a firm believer that it is close to being accurate - I don't think it's 100% possible to be friends with a girl and not have at least some physical attraction. But it is quite possible. Like I said - I don't have any physical feelings for Emily but I love her to death. At the same time, however, I can't seem to stop dipping my quill in some friendship ink on occation. ANYWAY - my point being is that it's actually tougher to have a friend that's the opposite sex, and not have any physical attraction to. For me, at least.

So, back to the subject. Monday Jess and her mother came over for the family bbq. It was a lot of fun, and actually it was a first as well. You see, Jess has always been really the family friend. But now, her mother is included as well. It was really nice to have her around, and to get to know her. My grandmother was still there, which may I add is a hoot. I say hoot because that's the only word that I can use to describe my grandmother's humor. It's a hoot! Hoot!

Dinner was fine, burgers and dogs, and some beens and such. Blah, blah, blah, that's all boring.

So then Jess and I hit the pool, my dad joined us as well. And after that it was over. Pretty uneventful, right? Well, sure - except for what was going through my mind the whole time.

Alright so here's the problem. My mom LOVES Jess, as I've said. I love her too, I mean she's been there for me, she's let me in and accepted me, and she's just... great to be around. Now I'll be honest - there was other things written in this area - Jess and I were gonna conjure up some lie to see what kind of comments we would get. But we got over our devious ways and she told me to tell the truth. So I'm gonna.

Serena said to me, before Jessica came, that she was afraid that once she got here that she would never see me again. Now as far off as that is - I truley haven't seen her very much since Jess has been home. It's not like I don't want to see her, it's just that I don't get much opportunity to see Jess. So I'm taking advantage of her being here. But really I've only even seen Jess like 3 times since she's been home. It's not like I'm constantly at her doorstep wanting to hang out with her. But still, I haven't made much effort to see anybody else. So let's talk about Friday for a second.

Friday I was over my parents house, and we were playing cards and talking. For some weird reason though, I could not stop thinking about what Jess was doing. You see, I knew she was having dinner with an old friend. "not a date," just dinner as she says. It was a guy, and from what I remember it was a guy that was one of those "platonic friends." But still, in the back of my mind there - I'm thinking, are they making out by now? What if he wisks her away and I never see her again? It was driving me crazy. So I'm driving home, going nuts cause I want to call her - but I didn't. I called Caitlin instead but she was busy... but then it was right about that time that I realized... I was jealous! I was jealous of this guy taking her to dinner. Regardless of any interest or anything I was jealous like a little fuckin' school boy. Come to find out she also had drinks with another guy friend that same day, who may I add she has mentioned to me about how gorgeous this guy is, and although some faults I believe they have a history - and although none of this is any of my business - I was jealous! It's not like I didn't see her or I don't think that I have any reason to be. Jess and I are friends and I couldn't possibly think there was anything there... but what if there was?! I would have had no idea had something gone on Friday night.

By the way I'm over it now. The jealousy is gone I guess, nothing happened between them and Jess. But I was still thinking about why I was jealous in the first place.

It didn't help that after Jess and her mom left on Monday that my mom sat there and raved about what a great girl she is. As if I don't know this already... oh and "her mom and I have so much in common! I had no idea!" she says. Which is all good things. I think that they are trying to get me to convince Jess to stay here in AZ. I couldn't do that to her. She deserves to be free to do what she wants to do and be who she wants to be with. However, lately, Jessica has been pushing me to leave AZ and come to Chicago...

...why Chicago? But then again...


...why not?

You're Not Cool If Your Car Has No Brakes

And no money to fix them. You know just once I'd like to have absolutely no problems in my life. Just for a day. I want a boring, no event, sleep all day, no bills, nothing breaking down, no sickness, no friendship problems, no girl problems, no work problems, nothing to move, nothing to clean, nothing to work towards. Everything I want to see on TV is on, without commercials, and if they must play commercials then they are required to be the funniest Superbowl commercials ever. Now that would be a day. Finish it off with a perfectly cooked steak dinner and sex with a supermodel porno star and I got myself a perfect day! I would eat all the frosted flakes and doritos I want. Mixed with as much beer as I can take and that's a lot because in my perfect day there's no pass-out drunk...On the most comfortable reclining chair (for a nap). I'll wear my nastiest, over-worn clothes and look damn sexy in it. Not a blemish on my face and razor burn didn't even cross my mind. The dog sits nicely next to me waiting for my next command of "go to the kitchen and grab me another cold one." When I wake up I'll be significantly skinnier, and the muscles I had years ago suddenly showed up again. Every two hours ago instead of calls from bill collectors I'd get calls from long-lost friends looking to catch up on things. But I wouldn't talk to them long, which they understood, they wouldn't want to bother me too much in my perfect day. Another phone call that comes in would be my agent, in conference with my manager, letting me know that my first album just reached platinum and I don't even have to go on tour to promote it. They'd thank me for their cut and offered to buy me dinner, but I declined - cause it'll be on me. But, that's another day when my perfect day is over. And I won't mind that my perfect day is over cause all I want is one day. Just one.

But in life we don't have days like this. Even superstars with all the money in the world who actually do have sex with supermodels on a daily basis don't have perfect days like this. There's always something.

And you know what? I don't even care about most of that. I don't have to have a supermodel girlfriend - who would want a pretentious, throw-up after I eat, we can't fuck cause I have a shoot in the morning, stuck up girlfriend? Those chicks care more about their body than some guys do about their cars. I want a down-to-earth, sweet, give-and-take, doesn't take my shit kinda girl. I want a girl that tells me to wake up and get the fuck outta the clouds and get to work. But then I want her to tell me that she's proud of me when I've done it - and make sweet love to me as if I was king. Then do it all over again. I want an independent woman, but some one who still could use me around every now and then. She doesn't have to be drop-dead gorgeous, just herself and she has to like who she is and not always worry about 'being fat' or what she eats. Fuck all that. Eat up! Drink a beer! Kick back and enjoy life a little, ladies! Beauty is in the eye of the beholder - and THIS beholder thinks personality counts for a lot. Porno stars help, too... :) Kidding.

And I don't want all the money in the world. I just want enough to pay the bills, have a little fun, and go to my own home so I can sleep soundly. What's that song? Mo' Money Mo' Problems? I believe it. Clowns callin' me up askin for some more dough - I'm earning every dollar and damnit I'll spend it. I've been to a point now when i'm tired of being broke - I'm tired of having terrible credit and no way of digging it out. I'm tired of not being able to pay for things when I want them.

Like my car - I love my car. It's a 2004 Honda Civic. I got a terrible deal on it. I pay $380 a month for it. I coulda bought a Lexus for that much. My insurance is the same, $310 a month, because I got in an accident last year that cost them $9,600.00 in repairs. Now the brakes have gone bad and I have no money to pay for them. Oh - whoa is me, you say, poor DJ boy has two jobs that pays a shit load and lives in a big house and can't pay for anything. It's true - I have a spending problem. Not on gambling or strippers, no... On food. Food and drink. Then the bars. The rest goes to mountains of bills that have been racked up. I said to myself - Damn just a $1000 would put back on track. So when I got a $1000? Yeah, it did nothing. OK, so I'm not miles and miles in debt, all I am is late - for everything, in need of some catch-up. Bad luck? No, it's more lile bad habits.

That's not all though, money is not my only problem. And by the way, I'm sorry this is more like a bitch-session than an update - I need these occasionally. I've used up my bitch-at-friends resources and I don't like dumping on people (cause I do it all the time) so I'm dumping on you, the reader.

Now there's family problems too. My brother, Brian, has decided that it's his way or the highway and now my parents aren't talking to him. I don't even feel like getting into that. He says he feels so great it in. It doesn't help that because I'm "part of the family" I'm often associated with his sour-puss behavior. Sometimes this is true - but I certainly don't want to be a part of the battle-royal between children and parents. I still owe them like $700 bucks, anyway.

I've always had girl problems. I think the problem is that I don't really know what I want. Like, I want a girlfriend, but I don't want to commit to anything big yet - cause I'm not ready and I'm only 22-23 years old. (I'm getting close to 23 here folks, give me a break) And plus, I don't know what girls feel. I don't know if making out with a girl even means anything any more. Someone (ahem!) asked me the other day, why I make out with drunk girls. Well, because according to these drunk girls - they LIKE me, but they're only ATTRACTED to me when they're drunk. I've gotten that a couple times before. So it's whatev. It's no Big D. I'll make out with those drunk girls for some temporary fulfillment and in hopes of one day she's not as drunk and she'll remember what a great kisser I am, then maybe she'll try kissing me when she's sober. Maybe I'll get some balls and ask a few of these out on dates and have them drink soda all night. You don't lose judgment on a sugar high.

But as I said, it's whatever. I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, I have a whole big life to work on. Companionship, yes. Some sex, absolutely. Both of those coming from the same person would be nice, too.

And send me some damn money!!

Sleepless in Chicago

Upon arriving home from LA on Sunday, I had plans to grab Serena's truck and have the both of us drive to my parents house to pick up a canopy for the bed. We had taken it off more than a week ago, so she can help me move - and it had been sitting in my parents garage since then. Needless to say they're not very happy with it sitting there for so long.

So anyway we get to her house and, there's no truck. Our first thought, with it having expired tags and being double parked that it was politely towed away and it sitting in a lot somewhere. Well it wasn't, meaning it was stolen by someone and to this day it's wandering around Arizona somewhere. So there I was, with an extremely unlucky Serena, somebody upstairs has got to be mad at her because nobody seems to be on her side. I try to be, but I can only be there part of the time, this girl needs some full-time coverage. So I waited with her for the cops to come and helped with the police report. There wasn't much else I could do for her. But, I let her borrow my phone in the even that the cops called with info on the truck. Nobody did. It sucked not having my phone - but I guess it sucked worse to not have a car either. But she would call me and she would be so helpless. I'm like dude! I can't do anything about it! Then she gets so damn negative I just want to scream! She wonders why I get defensive sometimes, wouldn't you?

All I'm saying is that I can't handle it sometimes. Little problems, every now and then are OK, Even BIG problems, occationally the will happen, and I'll be there for them. But literally everything, everyday, sucks for Serena and I've got nothing to give her! I would like to just give her $10K in cash and say, problem solved, be happy now... but we all know that ain't happening. We all have to take care of ourselves, through the worst times and the best times. Sure you'll need someone every now and again, and you'll want someone around to share the good times, but you have to be number one to you. If that made any sense...

So I went home - I didn't bother going to my parents house now. But that damn cap is still sitting there and my parents are getting a bit restless. Plus all my shit is still there. I moved out to Goodyear and left all my boxes in the garage at my parents garage. My dad was a little upset today when I talked to him about that.

Anyway - another thing that bothers me is that it almost seems as if she relies on me to decide what ever she does tonight, and to make other decisions for her as well. She'll get angry when I tell her I'm too tired or I have to be somewhere else or that I already made plans with Jessica. Her thing is that she "wants to include me on everything." I'm still waiting for the day she turns me down. We don't have to hang out everyday - she says she knows that. But she still gets upset when we don't - she says she doesn't. To be honest - I don't LIKE seeing my friends every damn day, I get tired of them. They get tired of me - we bicker and that's just no fun. I'm glad she enjoys spending time with me - I REALLY am - cause she doesn't believe me. I just can only take so much these days. But then I'll really have a reason that I can't see her - and I'll tell her this reason, and she'll pull out "Just tell me that you don't want to hang out with me tonight. " No... I don't think I mentioned that as being the reason that I COULDN'T hang with you... it's just so nerve-racking and I'm defensless against it because I do enjoy my time with her if she would stop accusing me of lying or being negative and whatever else.

Whew! Sorry about that - my brain just thinks it and I just type it. Anyway back to the story. So Thursday I tried to help more by inviting her over to the new house. I went there to pick up my phone (finally) and I offered to drive her down to the house, and of course, drive her back. I didn't have to do that - but I did - why? Cause I care, that's why!

But Friday was the more eventful eve.

Jessica is in town - I don't think I mentioned this. She's been living in Chicago as you all know - and recently had some boy problems that I won't get into, but due to some undisclosed cercumstances she is visiting here for some time. It's nice to have her around, I've mentioned before how close we are, when we're around eachother. We're both so independent though - that's not as often as it used to be. She came home on Monday, I knew she was coming by last Sunday - at LEAST I knew before she arrived instead of me finding out once she's been home for a month! ;)

So, after a week of wondering when I'm gonna get the chance to see my best friend - she came over to the house. I'd have to say that I was very impressed. First off, I've always thought Jess was a very beautiful girl, but she stepped outta that car on Friday and damnit she was HOT. She's ultra skinny - but not boney - she cut her hair... which by the way, I noticed with the first minute of seeing her (eat it, Caitlin I do notice!). She looked really, really good. After a tour of the house it was off to a local pub for a little while to meet up with Brian and his new female friend. We sang some Karaoke, and had some drinks. I had forgotten what a lightweight she was! Damn it was so much fun, though. We all went back to the house and partied a little more. But all great nights must come to an end! Turns out she had to be up early for shopping with her Mom and Sister the next day - she only got about 5 hours of sleep - sorry Jess!

We did talk about an awful lot. It got me to do a lot of thinking - am I really good enough? Can I really just get up there and do it? I think so. In fact - I think it's time I start making some big decisions, and taking some risks - who knows, maybe I'll end up in Chicago myself!

A toast, to happiness and laughter. Cheers.

Holiday Inns

So I made it into the Arizona Idol Top 30, but I didn't make it any farther than that. I did get a chance to sing at the Dodge theater though, which is a gorgeous theater. We all got our 30 seconds of fame up there, on the big stage, which let me say is a wet dream for any techie out there. It has tons of fly space, and just about 100 different curtains and lifts and things that I wanted to just lift up and down and see what happens! But I wasn't in the crew and I don't think they would have liked that. But I did get to sing infront of a live audience, and be judged by some successful people in the music business. Of course I think I got the shaft on comments. The guy said, and I quote: "A great voice, but for Broadway... next stop New York." OK - thanks for the compliment - but what about THE THING I WAS AUDITIONING FOR?? Jesus... Anyway I had fun, and that was a chance of a lifetime being backstage for that show. By the way let me add that there were some VERY beautiful young ladies there, some that were much too young for me, but others... wow...

But I didn't win anything so that's over and I moved on since then. That night, I was gonna go home, but my brother Brian dragged me out for a celebratory drink at a local undergroud pub. This had to have been the funniest part of the night, as my brother is pimping me out to the random people in the bar on how great I am and that I was singing at the dodge theater that night. Some great quotes from him:

"Dude you were off your ass tonight!"
"Justin, I'm biased I know, but as someone who knows music as much as I do, that was an incredible performance."
"Justin, I'm telling you, you're gonna make fucking millions!"

And my favorite:

"I can't believe I just paid $13 to see you friggin' sing for 30 seconds!"

Anyway, I went home shortly after and that was it, my Arizona Idol days were over.

***********************************

Then Friday came - so many things happened last week I couldn't describe how busy I was, but I was really happy that I had so many great things to do. From Dodge Theater to Friday and my next MC event, it was time to shine in talents I actually got paid for.

This event didn't go as well as my first, in my opinion.. although - the guests and more importantly the bride and parents had a blast. Thank goodness, because I was WAY off on Friday night. I learned a few good lessons though. I need to work on my conversation with the guests, and my speech - it's hard when they're right infront of me. This is yet another reason why I'm considering the radio - no one in front of me! I also have to work on pre-planning a little better. So, next time should be a good time - we will see.

I went right to bed afterwards because Saturday was a big day.

************************************

A day in LA

SO - I woke up early and got to Serena's house - we had a long drive ahead. On tuesday the good news came in that I had won tickets to go see DJ Tiësto in concert. I was stoked. Tiësto is the MAN and from what I heard his concerts were second to none. So we drove up, the drive is great, on the way from Phoenix to LA you bypass the Wind Farm, which is like 1,000 windmills scattered throughout the rolling hills of the Palm Springs area. It truley is a sight to see. It looks like something from a sci-fi movie. Once you're past those - the drive gets a little tougher - I had to turn on my "LA driving mentality," meaning I had to drive like a maniac on a winding, yet more congested road. The road also became like it was paved in the early 1800's because since then the traffic has been so bad they wouldn't dare set up a detour. So much like an indy car driver, I weave my way into the city. That's when things got even more confusing. I mean - I thought Phoenix was bad, but I got so used to the straight roads and simple numbering system... this was a big problem.

I get to where I'm supposed to be, the LA arena, but now we have to find a place to sleep. So I 'hooks a left' on Figueroa, thinking there's gotta be something down here. I was right - Compton was down here. I guess the Arena is approx. 5 miles north of the most-notoriously-dagerous-for-a-white-guy neighborhoods. I quickly turned around and went the other way.

Luckily I found something, a Holiday Inn that looked to me like a Westin and I think my words were, I don't care how much we're staying.

The concert was FUCKING INCREDIBLE. Tiësto pumped it out for about 4 hours, mixed with dancers, fire, and a spectacular light show. The whole floor was lit like a dancefloor, and it often looked like one, with about 7,000 dancers all bouncing to the same beat. Kirsty Hawkshaw was there. Who had any idea that she was hot? Damn she came out and I was like whoa...

It went on until about 1:30 and he ended with adagio for strings (a re-edit of that song is used as my website intro theme). Very powerful. Can you believe that at the end of every show this guy throws into the audience a $150 pair of Sony headphones? That's some major money right there. Tiësto is the #1 DJ in the world, rated by TheDJList.com, among others. His music is a powerful trance, often with a kickin' bassline that can rumble your spine. He likes using a lot of synth pads, giving him an industrial-techno sound. I believe he resides in Holland, although he is Greek, his most famous set being to the Parade of Athletes for the Athens 2004 Olympic games. Stand back Olympic Symphony and Choir, here comes techno!

After the show, it was time to rest up for the trip home, but we had to find a cab first. By the time we did we could have walked home, but oh well... it was a great time.

Anyway, I must go - there's more to this story but I will save it for another day.

Peace.